Wednesday, October 25, 2006

No Way Out But Through

Casualties are unacceptable. All people are bestowed dignity and grace from God. I cannot accept casualties, not if I can help it... To follow principles I believe in, OUCH, means...okay...well, my sense of wellbeing is DEFINITELY on the line. Of all who have access to this, sometimes I truly wish I would have shown no one who actually KNOWS me, so that I may be truly free to lay in all on the line, let it all out... say every last little detail and feel I've purged myself, and freed my soul to really live. But it's inappropriate because I believe wisdom often includes discretion and refraining from gossip, even about yourself. It's about respect, and dignity.

Ha! My good friend, Mr. Cool Hot Sexy, just said, "Casualties are unacceptable? Casualties are REQUIRED. It's like saying, I want to eat supper but I don't want to shit."


Oh, wow. I am responsible for some BIG ERRS. I cannot seem to come to terms with them, the very same errs I would forgive someone else for in a heartbeat! ONE beat of my heart, POOF! Loved and forgiven, but no! Myself? I cannot accept that, but it isn't selfless, I am selfish in that. I don't want to be that vulnerable. I do not want to incite that much possible anger. I do not want to leave my daughter with a mother in WORSE condition; I'm barely keeping my morale up as it is! That is true...I want her to have a good home, PERIOD. OKAY, so casualties are allowed for THAT to happen, too true...

Well...I need to go make sense of some more complications of life, so see ya later! LOVE HUGS and a big bowl of beans to ALL!!! tee hee

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Completely in Love with Truth and Love Itself...

I don't need anyone to be that for me, necessarily, and I will be happy when it comes my way, legitimately. Romance is only a small part of life, but it makes it fun and enjoyable. But solid principles hold out, and that is what to bank on. "Amen, sistah!" (OKAY I'm talking to myself, yes...) I love EVERYONE, truly! EVEN myself, hey, why not? I'm not so bad after all! I've put myself through hell, and come on now! Isn't it time to LIVE life FULLY like I always preach to everyone else? OKAY so I got my own point finally!

I'm all right with me. *wink* Is that so wrong? I don't think so.

Cheers to a new day, ya'all! I can love YOU because I love MYSELF. ISN'T THAT GREAT? Cool with me...everybody enjoy your beautiful day.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Rethinking future... I am addressing all those core issues I have buried for all these years! My husband was my chosen distraction from dealing with other things in my life, I suppose, to some extent. I had no time or energy left for dealing with my original concerns that still hold me back in life right now. NOW, I'm doing that.
Wow, what an opportunity. I'm going to seize it. "Seize the day!" It's both frightening and exciting at the same time, and unnerving in the hopes that I will not make the same mistakes again, and that I will address things more fully, given the full opportunity. This situation helps tremendously. I've been so overwhelmed for so I'm "purging" some of those issues, learning to slow down, and receive the wonderful blessings now bestowed upon me freely.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Completely in Love with Mr. Cool sexy Hot

Wow...couldn't stop myself. Fell hard for Mr. Wonderful here... I'm toast. Completely, totally, burned blackened toast. No hope...I'm a gonner. 100% "property of" Sexy Endearing Sweet Loveable...
Do I have brain damage? I am totally ga-ga; WHAT kind of guy IS THIS?? Is he a voodoo guy? A "magic man"... must be. The CT scan must have not caught it; need the MRI to detect my real problem. ANY girl would be vulnerable to falling for Mr. Cool Sexy Hot, but...I'M supposed to know better! My heart is his. Period.
I love him. Completely over any other "possiblities". What now? Wow...

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

What I've Realized...

Hep-Hez, you are too freagin' cute, girl! Really, though...this picture is breath-taking. Seriously... who's more delirious? I had a cup of coffee too, today..and you are right. I tried to save it (our "marriage"), but it was not truly alive in the first place, only a "phantom marriage". But it made me realize how sacred a real one would be! Funny, huh? So really, nothing lost, in all actuality, but my lesson learned is huge.

I've realized, that I want to be married someday! And that it is very, very special and a HUGE deal to think of going down that path (and I'm okay to wait on that). It is not something to take lightly, by any means. But it is something I want to last for the rest of my life. I don't think I could go through this again. It has been mental torture. It has taught me a lot.

I'm almost grown up! (or so I think...) I think I took the long way around, and that is okay. Scenic, lemme tell ya. Boy, pray God will help Mr. Cute Hot Sexy to know what the heck he thinks he's getting into!! Ha, ha. I'm surprised he remains so sure. But I still question that, and hope to have more clarity brought to this picture. I still have my boundaries up, as so I should.

Monday, September 25, 2006

I fell in love...

Ha ha...this is funny. Today at the bank, I fell in love...with a picture of a happy family! It was so beautiful, made a person believe it is possible...these days, a mother, a father and a child. The couple and child, all three, looked so very happy. I stole that page out of the magazine (SHAME ON ME!!!) It was so beautiful. I may frame it; it's just that good. It was advertizing a real estate company, of course... and mortgage lenders, but it's all good!

Oh...the dreams a person can have...contentedness, peace, joy, comfort, all on the faces of a family bonded together in love (or so they fake it really well)! So gorgeous, beautiful, what dreams are made of. *gasp* *sigh* *swoon* *tear up*

ha ha ha. Oh, my heart is in a bad place, not hard, but with a precarious disposition.

I am sad for the state of families in America today. I am sad for our inability to trust the most sacred bonds that should exist barring each person's personal relationship with God. I am sad that mistakes are exaserbated instead of dealt with, and inflamed instead of calmed down, to make injury to the family unit a hundred times more pointed than by itself.

My heart breaks that my situation is the norm and NOT the exception... It shouldn't be this way. I wish I didn't perpetuate this crisis of family destruction. That's worse than murder.

Murder of the institute that teaches youth the way to live, values, principles... murder of the ability to have a tender heart that trusts, murder of that long-lasting love you can bank on when the world is cold and alien, murder of the warmth and comfort of home, murder of a way of life that I wish I could embrace! wholeheartedly...

and I killed it. I stupidly, erroneously, killed it... by undervaluing it in the first place, acting foolishly and impulsively, trapping us both, then cutting us free from the "web"...sticky, gooey grey codependency... and now that my heart is being "freed" from this web, I feel the icy cold of reality blowing on my bare naked heart, and it hurts tremendously.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

It didn't go well...

There is powerful attraction between us, but it is not right!! How frustrating...Mr. Cute Hot Sexy Guy claims he is sure he knows he wants to marry me, and will wait. What is up with that??!! Oh My Goodness. I am overwhelmed because I am not so sure!! I feel all wrong, dizzy, sick, attracted but deceived! Lust, or whatever this is, is intoxicating.

I can be such a silly freagin' goofball...and HOW do I end up like this???? I REALLY want to know...not that it isn't flattering and wonderful for a nice man like Mr. Cute Hot Sexy to think that about me, but...premature, don't ya think?? How COULD someone think that way? I really don't get it; I'm TRYING to figure it out.

UGH! (Ha, Charlie Brown...) I DO want someone to think that about me!! ONE person, SOMEDAY, and forever! But THAT doesn't look like one of my choices, now, does it?? What goes on in the inner minds of men? HOW can I possibly fathom this journey: HOW TO be in love with one person, and that person in love with you, for a lifetime??

Is it possible? Just curious. But OH NO!!! Life keeps throwin' ya curveballs...figure this one out, and what about that, but NOT the thing that would seem SIMPLE and desireable! NO, COULDN'T be that easy!!! of course! we must really struggle through life to figure out the deeper meanings! Ask the hard questions; get the hard answers... guess that's life.

And BOY did I ask the tough questions.... apPARENTLY, that is...

I want my husband to be okay!!!!! Is THAT too much to ask?? I don't understand this; does his wellbeing = my downfall? Can he be trusted, ever?? I am not sure! I just wish he was okay! and I KNOW he's not, right now at least, and I feel SICK about it. I sometimes WISH I had never met him (LOOK where it's gotten us?), but also feel heartbreak on his behalf.

Can I make this right, ever? Oh I wish I could, somehow! Somehow, bring peace, mercy, justice to the situation with love... and settle matters rightly... I don't want anyone hurting unduly. I have no bitterness that lasts...I feel sad for him, and his family, and I know they've been through hard times and haven't known a better way to live. I'm sick about it.

He (husband) and I COULD have been friends...if we'd kept ourselves from having sex! It just messed up the whole thing, dang it, and I'm so sad it removed the legitimacy for friendship, that was never meant to be more. We are just not RIGHT for each other, and then got attached!

That is why I do not want to base a future relationship on attraction, such as with Mr. Cute Hot Sexy Guy, because that shit doesn't last, sistah! It is not the foundation of a healthy marriage. I know this. I've BEEN THERE. It shouldn't be that difficult...I know better.

Ugh. But with depression (clinically, I'm there...) that is one "upper" that is hard to resist. But resist I shall. And I'll take my medicine and call it a day...even though I'm feeling like total shit! It is the only way (but of course...)

"When in Rome..." I'm in Abstainville, so there you have it.