There is powerful attraction between us, but it is not right!! How frustrating...Mr. Cute Hot Sexy Guy claims he is sure he knows he wants to marry me, and will wait. What is up with that??!! Oh My Goodness. I am overwhelmed because I am not so sure!! I feel all wrong, dizzy, sick, attracted but deceived! Lust, or whatever this is, is intoxicating.
I can be such a silly freagin' goofball...and HOW do I end up like this???? I REALLY want to know...not that it isn't flattering and wonderful for a nice man like Mr. Cute Hot Sexy to think that about me, but...premature, don't ya think?? How COULD someone think that way? I really don't get it; I'm TRYING to figure it out.
UGH! (Ha, Charlie Brown...) I DO want someone to think that about me!! ONE person, SOMEDAY, and forever! But THAT doesn't look like one of my choices, now, does it?? What goes on in the inner minds of men? HOW can I possibly fathom this journey: HOW TO be in love with one person, and that person in love with you, for a lifetime??
Is it possible? Just curious. But OH NO!!! Life keeps throwin' ya curveballs...figure this one out, and what about that, but NOT the thing that would seem SIMPLE and desireable! NO, COULDN'T be that easy!!! of course! we must really struggle through life to figure out the deeper meanings! Ask the hard questions; get the hard answers... guess that's life.
And BOY did I ask the tough questions.... apPARENTLY, that is...
I want my husband to be okay!!!!! Is THAT too much to ask?? I don't understand this; does his wellbeing = my downfall? Can he be trusted, ever?? I am not sure! I just wish he was okay! and I KNOW he's not, right now at least, and I feel SICK about it. I sometimes WISH I had never met him (LOOK where it's gotten us?), but also feel heartbreak on his behalf.
Can I make this right, ever? Oh I wish I could, somehow! Somehow, bring peace, mercy, justice to the situation with love... and settle matters rightly... I don't want anyone hurting unduly. I have no bitterness that lasts...I feel sad for him, and his family, and I know they've been through hard times and haven't known a better way to live. I'm sick about it.
He (husband) and I COULD have been friends...if we'd kept ourselves from having sex! It just messed up the whole thing, dang it, and I'm so sad it removed the legitimacy for friendship, that was never meant to be more. We are just not RIGHT for each other, and then got attached!
That is why I do not want to base a future relationship on attraction, such as with Mr. Cute Hot Sexy Guy, because that shit doesn't last, sistah! It is not the foundation of a healthy marriage. I know this. I've BEEN THERE. It shouldn't be that difficult...I know better.
Ugh. But with depression (clinically, I'm there...) that is one "upper" that is hard to resist. But resist I shall. And I'll take my medicine and call it a day...even though I'm feeling like total shit! It is the only way (but of course...)
"When in Rome..." I'm in Abstainville, so there you have it.