Monday, July 31, 2006

The Stuffing Method...

This is just a post to laugh about an embarrassing past situation. I am in the medical field, and sexuality enters the domain in minimal circumstances (hasn't much for me actually in real practice). Keep in mind, I got pregnant during school and was not married yet. I am in class, just starting to wear maternity clothes around 5 months pregnant, showing a bit. All of my classmates are very mature, calm, focused people...

Well out of the blue, without warning, our teacher is switching topics after a break, to sexuality as it pertains to some of our potential clients. "Has anyone ever heard of the stuffing method?" booms the teacher's clear voice across the room, casually...images start to mount in my head:

*I am sitting around the Thanksgiving dinner table amongst my most formal of all relatives, who do NOT share personal information if their lives depended on it! We are all there with every kind of possible culinary delight distinctly on the table, as well as turkey, and stuffing. Here we are, as usual, with a certain distant formality that expressly prohibits anything remotely of a personal nature to disrupt the light-hearted interactions...*

"It's when you stuff a flaccid penis into the vagina, and with facilitation of the normal movements, often an erection is achieved in the process," the teacher says.

OH no...suddenly in my image I become the turkey, and my husband, then-boyfriend is "stuffing" this noodle as we pretend it is working normally! It was an aweful combination of images, on the table with all of my relatives around; at that point I hadn't even told them I was pregnant in the first place-that is how close we are! Well, as I am a big turkey with his noodle stuffing technique, trying to be sexual in an odd context (in a quick flash of images)... I just couldn't take it... I sat there in class...holding my breath.

This is a professional program. At least I had one friend who was fighting looking at me with the remote snicker they managed to contain. But that was not me. I sounded like a bomb blew my insides out my nose while I tried to contain a sober face. I was out of control. I was the only person laughing...sounded like a horrible cough, as though I was deathly ill...and there was no relief or consolation anywhere... nothing but a serious look on well-controlled faces everywhere in the room! (except one friend who quietly looked away...)

And everyone was so straight-faced and mature, thinking of addressing their clients in a considerate, responsible way. There was nothing I could do-a laughing pregnant unprofessional disaster! WHY did I have to imagine that torturously hilarious combination?! I could have sat there maturely like everyone else but NO! Of course not...was it the hormones? Why?? And why did this dear woman (teacher) have to bring that up out of the blue with no warning... Comic relief at untimely intervals...at least now I can laugh about it, again.

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Difficult Transitions

I feel like I've walked the long way out of Plato's cave (Myth of the Cave) though I know I'm looking at shadows on the wall it still took me longer than ever to fully accept that. My marriage is dead. How long will it take me to accept that? Why do I struggle to feel whole despite that? Why can't I be honest about everything? I am having a hard time being in this house, that reminds me of my broken home...I want to move out, and yet that will further it because then there will truly be the evidence of the broken home. My house with her room, and then when she visits Daddy...there will be no co-habitation. I feel broken. I failed. He failed. What were our intended roles? Why do I feel so scared, so naked? I am lonely and I am sad, deep down. I have a good time when I go out, but deep down, I feel so empty. Why do I have a hard time feeling whole all by myself? I feel like I want to go to someone and cry in their arms...but that is still dependent...what is so wrong with depending on someone? How do you know when someone is there for you, or if they just want something in return? I am having a very hard time trusting. But I SHOULD, right? I mean it is stupid to trust without careful scrutiny...

On a lighter note, "The Holy Man" with Eddie Murphy is a really funny show. I like that whole funny idea of total honesty in mixed or inappropriate contexts-shopping and spirituality... "you don't need this product to make you happy!" Ha. I know it was a silly movie... You know what I would really like? A show taking people with no financial gain to advertize a product, giving their honest opinion of it, in a funny way. not fancy, just real. just a funny "truth in advertizing" comedy. like, "this gel makes your hair stay in place a good twenty minutes! ... but it leaves a sticky gloppy goop, much like every other hair gel on the market except the kind on 'There's something about Mary'. So use it! It's cheap, at least! hey it's just freagin' hair gel!" I'd like that ad.

I now have the use of a video camera for my "video diary" or whatever I want to do. That is cool. With the clear notion that there will be nothing in return for that! Simple favor. in other words, I am NOT making a porn video. ha. point clarified.

I went dancing last night, and it was pretty fun. I like dancing. I'd really like to take some dance lessons and do more classy moves. The club stuff gets really redundant, and I am not there to be drooled on. I just love dance; I think it can be a very beautiful thing. I love that show with celebrities dancing with dance pro's; that is gorgeous! I also really loved the last dance on "Save the last dance" a marriage of different styles, so amazingly awesome! gorgeous stuff...

I don't like the club scene too much, but it is important to get out in some way, shape or form. I actually got hit on by a really pretty girl! I'm a little freaked out. Isn't that funny? My friend that I went with told me he doesn't want to take me anywhere because there are always people hitting on me; ha! I think everyone gets hit on; but because he likes me he notices it always with me. But though we are technically "just friends" I was there with him. He appreciated that I was only paying attention to him, not others "checking me out" per his words. But that also leaves me with mixed feelings. It is hard to be "alone". I think that is important that I have a clear stage of not being "with" anyone, before I do make that step with someone. Yet, I don't want to feel all alone an unprotected-it was nice no one was bothering me too much except when he went to the bathroom!! Why do guys act that way? I guess the club scene really isn't for me. I am happy with my little fantasy that everyone is good and holy, and only wishing good will on others! I'm a total dork and I know it. But it is a much happier world living this way, let me tell you. One of my favorite plots is Don Quixote where he believes all this wonderful stuff about his "lady in waiting" really a prostitute...regardless of what evidence to the contrary he gets, and guess what! In the end she really is a chaste lady in waiting just for him; everyone starting to believe the good that he held fast to. It is a beautiful concept and I will do that as crazy as it sounds! he did it for everyone in the story, believing the best and only acting upon that best he believed, thereby drawing out those qualities as the other qualities fell by the wayside with nothing to reinforce them.

I love it! I'm a nut; don't try to change me. I am happier this way...see? goofy grin. and the best times in my marriage were when we were apart and I was able to continually believe this good stuff, because there was not so much to come against it all the time! It is just harder to continue with that way of thinking when every day is a drudgery of mistreatment emotionally. I had to draw the line somewhere and "believe in reality", but I will still go on to believe the best that I can. I want good things to happen! I have to believe they can. Otherwise why go on? Making the best of the circumstances...my specialty. *wink*

or to clarify...I guess "my specialty" would really more be along the lines of avoiding reality until reality bites me hard in the ass! Ooh, ouch, there is a reality check. I'm embarrassed; that is really pretty true-okay! So Don Quixote was a crazy lunatic! And he's my hero! So maybe there is a problem with my thinking... his way is good in limited form, of course...we all should try to draw out the good in others instead of accepting stigma's and easy generalizations. There HAVE to be standards, and there HAVE to be protocols to work with, though I am big about individualizing programs to suit the special needs of a given situation...

mix of contradictions, is that what this sounds like to you? I am trying to piece it all together into a functional paradox and not just a crapload of contradicting entities. Am I full of shit or what? Ok, don't answer....

theme song...."How do you solve a problem like Maria?" .....


hey i want my mommy!!! ha. oh that feels so wierd to actually say/think. yikes! i have never once in my life called her mommy. isn't that funny? she's a great lady- you can't give what you haven't received...she didn't get that warmth growing up and she wasn't able to do that. I would LIKE to find a set of people sorta like parents (ha!!) to be compassionate to me at this time. so i will develop the "skills" to do that as well! ha i'm a dork i know it...

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Finding Inner Strength

I had a good time with family tonight. Often my keen sense of my precarious disposition overwhelms me, leaving me feeling alone and stranded...it is nice to grasp a sense of wholeness somewhere in the mix. I think if I had access to a video camera right now it would be my best friend, the most objective measure of my experiences right now, to hold onto for future reference. I would have something to keep track of what I'm going through, that I can keep safe and private as needed, or edit and share what would be appropriate to, with the right people. I have a friend willing to loan one to me, as long as they understand this is NOT a porn video I am shooting, nor am I at a place where I would want to do anything of the sort. (ha) just to clarify that point.

We are just friends...we get attention everywhere we go, it is so funny. We ate together, laughed and had a good time. A lady came to our table as she was leaving to tell us she was a "people-watcher" and thought we were really great together... oh boy, how odd, it seems we get that everywhere we go. NOT a good thing right now. NO, of course, BAD timing. But it is uncanny!

I am truly overwhelmed...I love intimacy, but I also love clear boundaries especially right now! I could so totally give some really funny true stories to inspire a sit com, as long as it didn't reveal anything about me personally of course, but DAMN I've had some interesting ones! It would be a shame almost for the stories NOT to be told. I'm really not asking for trouble, however I do want to live outloud! oh well some things are a trade-off. I do not know which to trade and which to let be right now, feeling torn on many issues, fuck!

Hey side point: I was told that word (FUCK) originated from the Puritans and was not thought of as a "bad word" but literally meant "to have intercourse", a respectable way to refer to it! I need to verify that because my BROTHER told me that, and he has pulled my leg a few times in my life for sure.

I want to get some things in order in my life!! If I could get a huge loan, consolidate and set up all my business bills (and a few "personal") on auto pay, that would be such a huge strain lifted so that I could concentrate on other important things in my life. I only have so much energy and it must be divied out wisely... a balance of work, play, and self-care they say is key to good health! If you overdo one, all suffer! Such is life; options at time are severely limited. oh well!

I will have two employees next week (besides myself), and I really have to get some things straightened out to make a real go of this. It's do or die! kay, rather "do", thank you!

small business...scary but exciting! I hope some miracle happens and everything is just fine! Why am I freaking out? I know everything will be all right, and things aren't too far out of order, just not yet how they need to be. Must keep the faith! THINK POSITIVE! :)

I'm actually usually very good at that; time to tap those skills and put 'em to work! all rightie, good night, dream something wonderful tonight! ; ) I know I will!

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Mixed Feelings

I DEFINITELY feel good and liberated with the idea of not being married anymore to him, but ALSO feel sick about the effects on my daughter. I want to be able to have clear boundaries with him and everyone I ever interact with for that matter. I shouldn't NEED such defined boundaries for a spouse; hoping a spouse would be of a similar mind as me, and sharing intimacy to the extent that we already would know what boundaries to respect or what it understood not applicable in the relationship.

I WISH it could work out again someday, if it were possible, if our mutual betrayals could be resolved and forgiven... or at least that there is a peaceable solution and arrangement. That would be so great if we could just work together...

I want us to both keep parenting separate from our marriage, because NO CHILD should be leaned on in a situation like that. NO CHILD should ever be forced to choose between parents. Only for the safety of the child should he or she be removed from one of the parents. Otherwise parents need to learn to get along at least for the sake of the child and CUT the manipulation bullcrap. That is unacceptable to me, for a parent to use a child against another parent, or to bring a child more into the mess than the obvious separate living arrangements. No child should HAVE to know what is happening, except that Mommy and Daddy both love her and always will. That is the main thing, and no parent should compete for the child's preference. It's sick! I don't respect that.

UGH!!! But that stuff also happens even when the marriage is bad, though it is still "intact". That is where I have felt stale-mated for so long. I would have kept it together "for her sake" if it would have been healthy enough that it wouldn't have harmed her. Now I have seen there is no use in it anyway. I'm in a corner! So here I go. There was no better choice that I know of.

Ethical dillemnas, ethical dillemnas... mixed feelings, etc. At this point, as much as has happened from all sides, I just want to do whatever is best. I know I've failed some important tests. Here's hoping I pass the rest! Cheers.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Crying a River

Oh geez...coming back from dropping off my daughter...yuck I feel so aweful. I do not like that my daughter has a broken home! NOOOOOO! It is an unacceptable casualty. But it is irregardless of the legal status. My worst fear is a reality. I never never never in a million years wanted this to be the case, having a child in a broken home. NO NO NO NO NO nooooNOOO!

No wonder I couldn't accept this and tried to believe it was possible we could all have a happy home together; it was never the case! I just couldn't accept that another generation would endure this as I did! WHY! I thought I was so careful. I thought I was so sure that would never happen. I need medication. I am a mess. I cannot cope with this turn of events. I guess turning from reality isn't the worst thing, is it? Believing a comfortable lie?

I HATE THAT ALMOST MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE! I HAVE to cope with this. This is the life I'm living. I cannot avoid the truth. I have to keep walking, and forward would be nice!

I am a single mom. I have a daughter who will feel the pain of brokenness in her home.

oh help *gasp* it is all damage control, tact, and trying to make this as smooth as possible, from here. that is all that is left for me to do it seems. I want to make the best of this as much as I can. I hope my girl never feels the way I did/do from my own feelings of being torn in so many directions. I CAN'T let that happen! THIS is going to be my lifelong endeavor.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Dirty Jobs

Hey what happened? oh well...so you will hear me LOUD AND CLEAR! just been doing lots of dirty work lately. something therapeutic about it, I tell ya what. strange... just found out about that show; what a concept! I LOVE it! This funny guy (smart and accomplished too) goes to all kinds of different places and performs the dirty jobs others have to do all the time (sewer, cleaning, making candy-nasty sticky candy, veterinary assorted tasks- you can imagine..) WHAT A NEAT CONCEPT! I love it. I would like to do that (and somehow work that into a master's degree-researching components of different occupations for the purpose of activity analysis for improving my productivity with MY job, etc.) Oh! I'm the one of the strangest dreamers you will probably ever meet. Hey, my first job was as a dishwasher, and something about fixing the garbage disposal one day was really fun...I had to sort through all this "food", etc., with my bare hands, and discover what was down there. It was really nasty! But it was fun, sort of. It didn't put me off.

I liked working at a hot, sweaty factory. It promoted the comeradery that makes a job fun! I don't know why but my morale really was rather high at that time in my life (for the most part.) I really bonded with a lot of the other workers, and I liked that! I worked night shift, and one morning after a long night's work I actually had "a beer with the boys"...and it was totally cool! I really was like one of the guys then for that little while, which was novel, not just a girly girl thing or being hit on, etc., but drinking a beer with the rest of the guys as though I was one of them! And ok...so I'm a lightweight and didn't even finish one whole beer...but STILL! They weren't judging; they were just laughing and having a good time even with me!

Good times, good times...I am a WIERD mix of genes, don't know WHAT can be done to maximize my usefulness here. oh well; I think I've come close to my blogging limit for the day. :) Hope everyone has a happy bloggin' day.

Monday, July 24, 2006

A Blog A Day

One of my good friends sent me an email, "Blog-gonit!" Thought that was cute and funny... I'm trying to keep myself on an even blogging keel...there may be no more blogging left for me, though, shortly.

I have 99 ingredients to make the recipe which requires 100, and as SOON as I get that 100th ingredient, ONE OF THE OTHERS IS GONE OR MISSING! Yeah, and I'm just takin' it one blog at a time...

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Some Time To Think

I've been told by a trusted source that some time alone to think is just what I need. Wise advice, it sounds like. I'm over-stimulated, had long periods with very little sleep, overwhelmed, and have had a hard time relaxing and resting...like I'm in a state of mania, without the benefits of some huge accomplishment...the caffeine hasn't helped, I'm sure. And the only accomplishment-my blogs!, I've deleted because I felt like I was standing naked in front of a bright lamp. Ooh, that is one of my worst problems. I was also told (I sometimes hate it when I'm "properly diagnosed") that I let my "enemies" see my weaknesses, and I'm not supposed to do that! I always seem to find out too late who my "enemies" are...

And then I continue to make it worse as I fail to see what the problem was in the FIRST place, building and building lie upon lie so that the original mistake does not ever have to be addressed, making things a million times worse than cutting losses right at the start! No more of that!

What am I on this planet for? Can I accomplish something meaningful? Yes, I have to believe so to be able to wake up every morning and keep on going. Doesn't everyone? I want to be able to make sense of this existence within this limited human form, and be happy about it because why not!! I need to wake up calm and refreshed every day, ready to face another one and believe that IT MATTERS. I HAVE to tell myself that; what else could drive someone? I can't see what silly human endeavor can POSSIBLY be motivating besides the inherent understanding that the work you perform MATTERS. NOT that it pays well. NOT that you are doing what you have to do to survive, and take care of your responsibilities, NECESSARILY. But WHAT YOU DO MATTERS. It MAKES A DIFFERENCE, a GOOD DIFFERENCE. That when you are through being on this planet your positive contributions outweigh your negative ones... And the world is a BETTER PLACE because YOU WERE IN IT. It is a reason to possibly go on.

How do you solve a problem like "Maria"? Theme song...from the Sound of Music...can't help it. My name is not "Maria", of course, and I'M NO NUN! But I appreciate the correlation actually my step-mom came up with originally...

I am a screwball. I might as well tell you straightforwardly. I want sets of contradicting things to all be true and possible, and have a difficulty making a choice between the contradicting entities. I simply cannot choose. What is up with that?

okay a neighbor i have never met before is here, asking me out...excuse me for a moment.

you know what? I am not letting THAT cut short my BLOGGING PRIVILEDGES!! No fair!! Ha. I have come back to edit the post because I did not choose for this neighbor to come knock on my door and disturb my blogging. Am I obsessed? Perhaps...but THIS is the amount within reason I have allowed myself! ONE POST A DAY! and I WASN'T THROUGH! Ha, obsessive, it sounds like... it is always nice to have a little ego boost for a woman separated from her husband, going through a divorce...but NO. I will draw the line when it INTERFERES WITH MY BLOGGING! ha....okay...okay....so I DO have a problem...

If I had a partner in my life that was more along the lines of "soul-mate", then I think I could give up my blogging obsession, yeah, maybe then. But that is not the case now, and I don't care WHO asks me out or whatever, I have blogging for now, and that is the companionship portion of my "mate" while my "rabbit" is the other "portion". There. I said it.

I am sad, though, (sort of) because it seems like it would be nice to have a real human person play that role instead of blogging and a vibrator... I will settle with that for now, though! Such is life! I feel somewhat liberated! Ha...heh heh heh.

He said, several times, "so do I have a chance?" oh boy... I had to just nicely blow that off, telling him he seems like a nice young man, maybe talk to me after I've had some sleep. Yikes. I have decided that no longer will I play "therapist" role when it comes to someone as MY potential mate. No more of that, and WHY did I ever do that? I don't know...

Goodnight...

Friday, July 21, 2006

Welcome to Virtual Therapy

Welcome Back! I hope my changes have not put anyone off!! Thank you for checking out my new blog here. It's a pleasure having you.

Part of my "BA" requirements now include a limit of a post a day! I am trying to make myself take off at least 2-3 days per week...Addictions, addictions. I must exercise a degree of control over them! Consult your BA sponsor before making any changes to your own personal program!! Remember, we all have a unique set of needs, and I don't want you to try this at home without doctor approval!! (Refer to Doctor Anonymous for further inquiries regarding Blogaholics Anonymous meetings and guidelines.)

I sincerely hope everyone has enjoyed the weekend. As an attempt to exercise more control over blogging, I am going to leave this as a short post today, and look forward to returning again another day. Thank you for coming! Come back again!!