Sunday, July 30, 2006

Difficult Transitions

I feel like I've walked the long way out of Plato's cave (Myth of the Cave) though I know I'm looking at shadows on the wall it still took me longer than ever to fully accept that. My marriage is dead. How long will it take me to accept that? Why do I struggle to feel whole despite that? Why can't I be honest about everything? I am having a hard time being in this house, that reminds me of my broken home...I want to move out, and yet that will further it because then there will truly be the evidence of the broken home. My house with her room, and then when she visits Daddy...there will be no co-habitation. I feel broken. I failed. He failed. What were our intended roles? Why do I feel so scared, so naked? I am lonely and I am sad, deep down. I have a good time when I go out, but deep down, I feel so empty. Why do I have a hard time feeling whole all by myself? I feel like I want to go to someone and cry in their arms...but that is still dependent...what is so wrong with depending on someone? How do you know when someone is there for you, or if they just want something in return? I am having a very hard time trusting. But I SHOULD, right? I mean it is stupid to trust without careful scrutiny...

On a lighter note, "The Holy Man" with Eddie Murphy is a really funny show. I like that whole funny idea of total honesty in mixed or inappropriate contexts-shopping and spirituality... "you don't need this product to make you happy!" Ha. I know it was a silly movie... You know what I would really like? A show taking people with no financial gain to advertize a product, giving their honest opinion of it, in a funny way. not fancy, just real. just a funny "truth in advertizing" comedy. like, "this gel makes your hair stay in place a good twenty minutes! ... but it leaves a sticky gloppy goop, much like every other hair gel on the market except the kind on 'There's something about Mary'. So use it! It's cheap, at least! hey it's just freagin' hair gel!" I'd like that ad.

I now have the use of a video camera for my "video diary" or whatever I want to do. That is cool. With the clear notion that there will be nothing in return for that! Simple favor. in other words, I am NOT making a porn video. ha. point clarified.

I went dancing last night, and it was pretty fun. I like dancing. I'd really like to take some dance lessons and do more classy moves. The club stuff gets really redundant, and I am not there to be drooled on. I just love dance; I think it can be a very beautiful thing. I love that show with celebrities dancing with dance pro's; that is gorgeous! I also really loved the last dance on "Save the last dance" a marriage of different styles, so amazingly awesome! gorgeous stuff...

I don't like the club scene too much, but it is important to get out in some way, shape or form. I actually got hit on by a really pretty girl! I'm a little freaked out. Isn't that funny? My friend that I went with told me he doesn't want to take me anywhere because there are always people hitting on me; ha! I think everyone gets hit on; but because he likes me he notices it always with me. But though we are technically "just friends" I was there with him. He appreciated that I was only paying attention to him, not others "checking me out" per his words. But that also leaves me with mixed feelings. It is hard to be "alone". I think that is important that I have a clear stage of not being "with" anyone, before I do make that step with someone. Yet, I don't want to feel all alone an unprotected-it was nice no one was bothering me too much except when he went to the bathroom!! Why do guys act that way? I guess the club scene really isn't for me. I am happy with my little fantasy that everyone is good and holy, and only wishing good will on others! I'm a total dork and I know it. But it is a much happier world living this way, let me tell you. One of my favorite plots is Don Quixote where he believes all this wonderful stuff about his "lady in waiting" really a prostitute...regardless of what evidence to the contrary he gets, and guess what! In the end she really is a chaste lady in waiting just for him; everyone starting to believe the good that he held fast to. It is a beautiful concept and I will do that as crazy as it sounds! he did it for everyone in the story, believing the best and only acting upon that best he believed, thereby drawing out those qualities as the other qualities fell by the wayside with nothing to reinforce them.

I love it! I'm a nut; don't try to change me. I am happier this way...see? goofy grin. and the best times in my marriage were when we were apart and I was able to continually believe this good stuff, because there was not so much to come against it all the time! It is just harder to continue with that way of thinking when every day is a drudgery of mistreatment emotionally. I had to draw the line somewhere and "believe in reality", but I will still go on to believe the best that I can. I want good things to happen! I have to believe they can. Otherwise why go on? Making the best of the circumstances...my specialty. *wink*

or to clarify...I guess "my specialty" would really more be along the lines of avoiding reality until reality bites me hard in the ass! Ooh, ouch, there is a reality check. I'm embarrassed; that is really pretty true-okay! So Don Quixote was a crazy lunatic! And he's my hero! So maybe there is a problem with my thinking... his way is good in limited form, of course...we all should try to draw out the good in others instead of accepting stigma's and easy generalizations. There HAVE to be standards, and there HAVE to be protocols to work with, though I am big about individualizing programs to suit the special needs of a given situation...

mix of contradictions, is that what this sounds like to you? I am trying to piece it all together into a functional paradox and not just a crapload of contradicting entities. Am I full of shit or what? Ok, don't answer....

theme song...."How do you solve a problem like Maria?" .....


hey i want my mommy!!! ha. oh that feels so wierd to actually say/think. yikes! i have never once in my life called her mommy. isn't that funny? she's a great lady- you can't give what you haven't received...she didn't get that warmth growing up and she wasn't able to do that. I would LIKE to find a set of people sorta like parents (ha!!) to be compassionate to me at this time. so i will develop the "skills" to do that as well! ha i'm a dork i know it...

2 Comments:

Blogger Hepzibah Q. Hezekiah said...

What if the purpose of your marriage was to bring your child into the world? What if she, or one of her children or grandchildren, is the one who cures cancer? Lord knows she already brightens up her Auntie Hez's day! Not everyone gets hit on dearie, and since you are a beautiful person, inside and out, you DO get hit on an awful lot. Sorry if it gives you a complex, but it's true. :) Don't believe you are the only Pollyanna in the world, I believe in the good in people far too often as well. Craziness is good in life, you need to come and work with me, we'll prove it! Love ya girlie!!

11:37 PM  
Blogger Hoping4more said...

we'd be a kickass pair together! ha. we so totally need to go work on "punk'd" at least it would be fun...so silly i am 4 sure.

oh-I guess i just don't appreciate the fallicade of human nature, that is all...because when my friend left to go to the bathroom, all the sudden there were several guys around me who disappated when he returned...that kind of depresses me about human motivation, as though we are all cockroaches who scatter when the light shines on us! yikes! that doesn't make me feel too good...

I want to live in the light! i am tired of the differences between one context and another...i want my lover to be the same one and only lover that i take to church with me and go to a club with, who is the same person, just expressing different facets of his personality!

I am not particularly hit on a lot. you are not hit on as obviously because of your shiny ring and you're usually with your man! go somewhere without it or him and you will notice a change. of course that is good that people recognize value in marriage.

so that is not a bad thing. what is a bad thing is someone who KNOWS you are married, has NO idea there are any problems with the marriage, and has the audacity to ask a person out just because the man is away!!!

it just saddens me. i know myself and the sins I've committed. i don't want to make the same mistakes ever again...then, is human nature just so disgusting that there is no way to reconcile with the concepts of honor, trust, respect, genuine compassion for humanity?? I am ashamed to be this human who's made the mistakes I've already made...because it is absolutely unacceptable to me! I am not an advocate of those things! I just understand how some of those things can happen. I didn't mean to take a stance that it is okay!

HOW, just how...can I make myself right? Now I hope redemption has my name on it somewhere, a fool I've been; i've had a nightcap with the devil and now I'm surrounded by fools like myself! U-turn! oops, wrong turn here!! I do not advocate the stupidity I have participated in, and I see the error of my ways! oh...

I'm such a girl. So Totally can't take this, it is a mind-F-U-C-K.

i guess I'm a weak little girl. ooh! I'm pissed. shoot.

9:22 PM  

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