Saturday, July 29, 2006

Finding Inner Strength

I had a good time with family tonight. Often my keen sense of my precarious disposition overwhelms me, leaving me feeling alone and is nice to grasp a sense of wholeness somewhere in the mix. I think if I had access to a video camera right now it would be my best friend, the most objective measure of my experiences right now, to hold onto for future reference. I would have something to keep track of what I'm going through, that I can keep safe and private as needed, or edit and share what would be appropriate to, with the right people. I have a friend willing to loan one to me, as long as they understand this is NOT a porn video I am shooting, nor am I at a place where I would want to do anything of the sort. (ha) just to clarify that point.

We are just friends...we get attention everywhere we go, it is so funny. We ate together, laughed and had a good time. A lady came to our table as she was leaving to tell us she was a "people-watcher" and thought we were really great together... oh boy, how odd, it seems we get that everywhere we go. NOT a good thing right now. NO, of course, BAD timing. But it is uncanny!

I am truly overwhelmed...I love intimacy, but I also love clear boundaries especially right now! I could so totally give some really funny true stories to inspire a sit com, as long as it didn't reveal anything about me personally of course, but DAMN I've had some interesting ones! It would be a shame almost for the stories NOT to be told. I'm really not asking for trouble, however I do want to live outloud! oh well some things are a trade-off. I do not know which to trade and which to let be right now, feeling torn on many issues, fuck!

Hey side point: I was told that word (FUCK) originated from the Puritans and was not thought of as a "bad word" but literally meant "to have intercourse", a respectable way to refer to it! I need to verify that because my BROTHER told me that, and he has pulled my leg a few times in my life for sure.

I want to get some things in order in my life!! If I could get a huge loan, consolidate and set up all my business bills (and a few "personal") on auto pay, that would be such a huge strain lifted so that I could concentrate on other important things in my life. I only have so much energy and it must be divied out wisely... a balance of work, play, and self-care they say is key to good health! If you overdo one, all suffer! Such is life; options at time are severely limited. oh well!

I will have two employees next week (besides myself), and I really have to get some things straightened out to make a real go of this. It's do or die! kay, rather "do", thank you!

small business...scary but exciting! I hope some miracle happens and everything is just fine! Why am I freaking out? I know everything will be all right, and things aren't too far out of order, just not yet how they need to be. Must keep the faith! THINK POSITIVE! :)

I'm actually usually very good at that; time to tap those skills and put 'em to work! all rightie, good night, dream something wonderful tonight! ; ) I know I will!


Blogger Jose said...

Hey hello, just came in to say hi, glad to hear you had a good day with family, seems to me it was long overdue. Good dreams to you too. The saying goes that after the tempest comes the calm. You deseve some calm in your life of late so keep aiming for it.

8:45 PM  
Blogger Dima said...

Hope4more, thank you for visiting my blog and providing valuable insight. Enjoy the ride and the excitement. Your life is your own personal story. Make it special!

10:48 PM  
Blogger Hoping4more said...

thank you jose and dima!! i really appreciate the uplifting thoughts. come back sometime!!
i enjoy your blogs as well.

12:02 PM  

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