Thursday, July 27, 2006

Mixed Feelings

I DEFINITELY feel good and liberated with the idea of not being married anymore to him, but ALSO feel sick about the effects on my daughter. I want to be able to have clear boundaries with him and everyone I ever interact with for that matter. I shouldn't NEED such defined boundaries for a spouse; hoping a spouse would be of a similar mind as me, and sharing intimacy to the extent that we already would know what boundaries to respect or what it understood not applicable in the relationship.

I WISH it could work out again someday, if it were possible, if our mutual betrayals could be resolved and forgiven... or at least that there is a peaceable solution and arrangement. That would be so great if we could just work together...

I want us to both keep parenting separate from our marriage, because NO CHILD should be leaned on in a situation like that. NO CHILD should ever be forced to choose between parents. Only for the safety of the child should he or she be removed from one of the parents. Otherwise parents need to learn to get along at least for the sake of the child and CUT the manipulation bullcrap. That is unacceptable to me, for a parent to use a child against another parent, or to bring a child more into the mess than the obvious separate living arrangements. No child should HAVE to know what is happening, except that Mommy and Daddy both love her and always will. That is the main thing, and no parent should compete for the child's preference. It's sick! I don't respect that.

UGH!!! But that stuff also happens even when the marriage is bad, though it is still "intact". That is where I have felt stale-mated for so long. I would have kept it together "for her sake" if it would have been healthy enough that it wouldn't have harmed her. Now I have seen there is no use in it anyway. I'm in a corner! So here I go. There was no better choice that I know of.

Ethical dillemnas, ethical dillemnas... mixed feelings, etc. At this point, as much as has happened from all sides, I just want to do whatever is best. I know I've failed some important tests. Here's hoping I pass the rest! Cheers.


Blogger Hepzibah Q. Hezekiah said...

You can't be so selfish and take all the blame for yourself, Maria. If your husband never learned appropriate boundaries growing up, and refused to learn them when you tried to teach them because it was taking him out of his comfort zone, there's nothing else you can do. OH....big hugs to you and your daughter, text me when would be a good time to have a good long girl chat!

12:00 AM  
Blogger RobynB said...

Love your heart. What a tough time you're going through. You're in my thoughts. *hugs*

Thanks for stopping by my little corner. Come back anytime :)

HNT~ Half Nekkid Thursday! I've got button on my side bar... click it and find out all about it!

8:06 AM  
Blogger Hoping4more said...

ha that is funny!! thanks robynb, i would have never figured that one out. glad to finally know what it means (poking around last night at your website i finally saw it.) I appreciate all your kind words! thank you.

hep hez, hey girl, love to chat with you sometime!! I'll call you or you call me. got a family birthday party to go to tonight (U know who) and then after that we can chat if you want to!

10:09 AM  

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