Sunday, July 23, 2006

Some Time To Think

I've been told by a trusted source that some time alone to think is just what I need. Wise advice, it sounds like. I'm over-stimulated, had long periods with very little sleep, overwhelmed, and have had a hard time relaxing and resting...like I'm in a state of mania, without the benefits of some huge accomplishment...the caffeine hasn't helped, I'm sure. And the only accomplishment-my blogs!, I've deleted because I felt like I was standing naked in front of a bright lamp. Ooh, that is one of my worst problems. I was also told (I sometimes hate it when I'm "properly diagnosed") that I let my "enemies" see my weaknesses, and I'm not supposed to do that! I always seem to find out too late who my "enemies" are...

And then I continue to make it worse as I fail to see what the problem was in the FIRST place, building and building lie upon lie so that the original mistake does not ever have to be addressed, making things a million times worse than cutting losses right at the start! No more of that!

What am I on this planet for? Can I accomplish something meaningful? Yes, I have to believe so to be able to wake up every morning and keep on going. Doesn't everyone? I want to be able to make sense of this existence within this limited human form, and be happy about it because why not!! I need to wake up calm and refreshed every day, ready to face another one and believe that IT MATTERS. I HAVE to tell myself that; what else could drive someone? I can't see what silly human endeavor can POSSIBLY be motivating besides the inherent understanding that the work you perform MATTERS. NOT that it pays well. NOT that you are doing what you have to do to survive, and take care of your responsibilities, NECESSARILY. But WHAT YOU DO MATTERS. It MAKES A DIFFERENCE, a GOOD DIFFERENCE. That when you are through being on this planet your positive contributions outweigh your negative ones... And the world is a BETTER PLACE because YOU WERE IN IT. It is a reason to possibly go on.

How do you solve a problem like "Maria"? Theme song...from the Sound of Music...can't help it. My name is not "Maria", of course, and I'M NO NUN! But I appreciate the correlation actually my step-mom came up with originally...

I am a screwball. I might as well tell you straightforwardly. I want sets of contradicting things to all be true and possible, and have a difficulty making a choice between the contradicting entities. I simply cannot choose. What is up with that?

okay a neighbor i have never met before is here, asking me out...excuse me for a moment.

you know what? I am not letting THAT cut short my BLOGGING PRIVILEDGES!! No fair!! Ha. I have come back to edit the post because I did not choose for this neighbor to come knock on my door and disturb my blogging. Am I obsessed? Perhaps...but THIS is the amount within reason I have allowed myself! ONE POST A DAY! and I WASN'T THROUGH! Ha, obsessive, it sounds like... it is always nice to have a little ego boost for a woman separated from her husband, going through a divorce...but NO. I will draw the line when it INTERFERES WITH MY BLOGGING! ha....okay...okay....so I DO have a problem...

If I had a partner in my life that was more along the lines of "soul-mate", then I think I could give up my blogging obsession, yeah, maybe then. But that is not the case now, and I don't care WHO asks me out or whatever, I have blogging for now, and that is the companionship portion of my "mate" while my "rabbit" is the other "portion". There. I said it.

I am sad, though, (sort of) because it seems like it would be nice to have a real human person play that role instead of blogging and a vibrator... I will settle with that for now, though! Such is life! I feel somewhat liberated! Ha...heh heh heh.

He said, several times, "so do I have a chance?" oh boy... I had to just nicely blow that off, telling him he seems like a nice young man, maybe talk to me after I've had some sleep. Yikes. I have decided that no longer will I play "therapist" role when it comes to someone as MY potential mate. No more of that, and WHY did I ever do that? I don't know...

Goodnight...

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