Monday, July 31, 2006

The Stuffing Method...

This is just a post to laugh about an embarrassing past situation. I am in the medical field, and sexuality enters the domain in minimal circumstances (hasn't much for me actually in real practice). Keep in mind, I got pregnant during school and was not married yet. I am in class, just starting to wear maternity clothes around 5 months pregnant, showing a bit. All of my classmates are very mature, calm, focused people...

Well out of the blue, without warning, our teacher is switching topics after a break, to sexuality as it pertains to some of our potential clients. "Has anyone ever heard of the stuffing method?" booms the teacher's clear voice across the room, casually...images start to mount in my head:

*I am sitting around the Thanksgiving dinner table amongst my most formal of all relatives, who do NOT share personal information if their lives depended on it! We are all there with every kind of possible culinary delight distinctly on the table, as well as turkey, and stuffing. Here we are, as usual, with a certain distant formality that expressly prohibits anything remotely of a personal nature to disrupt the light-hearted interactions...*

"It's when you stuff a flaccid penis into the vagina, and with facilitation of the normal movements, often an erection is achieved in the process," the teacher says.

OH no...suddenly in my image I become the turkey, and my husband, then-boyfriend is "stuffing" this noodle as we pretend it is working normally! It was an aweful combination of images, on the table with all of my relatives around; at that point I hadn't even told them I was pregnant in the first place-that is how close we are! Well, as I am a big turkey with his noodle stuffing technique, trying to be sexual in an odd context (in a quick flash of images)... I just couldn't take it... I sat there in class...holding my breath.

This is a professional program. At least I had one friend who was fighting looking at me with the remote snicker they managed to contain. But that was not me. I sounded like a bomb blew my insides out my nose while I tried to contain a sober face. I was out of control. I was the only person laughing...sounded like a horrible cough, as though I was deathly ill...and there was no relief or consolation anywhere... nothing but a serious look on well-controlled faces everywhere in the room! (except one friend who quietly looked away...)

And everyone was so straight-faced and mature, thinking of addressing their clients in a considerate, responsible way. There was nothing I could do-a laughing pregnant unprofessional disaster! WHY did I have to imagine that torturously hilarious combination?! I could have sat there maturely like everyone else but NO! Of course not...was it the hormones? Why?? And why did this dear woman (teacher) have to bring that up out of the blue with no warning... Comic relief at untimely least now I can laugh about it, again.


Blogger Hepzibah Q. Hezekiah said...

Oh, I wish, and am simultaneously glad that I was not, that I was in that class with you!! I would have laughed with you! That sentence made no sense grammatically, but dammit, it stays!!! I like boys!

11:41 PM  
Blogger Hoping4more said...

i like boys!!! (ha) that's is funny story between hepzi and I as younger girls, for anyone wondering....really was a good one! yes, i hear you.

all i would do (serious grammar geek nerd whore here, recovering with that string of words)
is take out the "that I was" from after the second comma in your first sentence!

"Oh, I wish, and am simultaneously glad that I was not, in that class with you!! (revised)

am i a sick psycho nerdish whore pain in the ass or what!!?? okay that was slightly inappropriate...

ok! it stays! and scratch my revisin' monkey ass!!! what is WRONG with me today?? I swear, I have GOT to get some help... have mercy.

we would have had way TOO much fun with that whole business, and NO ONE would have understood us in the least! Ha!!! best we did not enter a professional program together, eh, favoritist gal pal?

I like boys!

10:52 AM  

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