Wednesday, August 30, 2006

My Lucky Underwear

Hey, Nay, we're the same here!!! Ha ha. Click here to take this test.

Your Lucky Underwear is Blue
You are caring and extroverted. You've made relationships your number one focus, and your lucky blue underwear can bring some balance to them.You thrive in one-on-one situations. You are a good listener and a natural born therapist.
Sometimes you let the concerns of others become too important in your life, leading to stress and worry.If you want more balance, put on your blue underpants. They'll help you take care of yourself first.
What Color Is Your Lucky Underwear?

Feedback; thank you!!

Okay, thank you so much! and thank you for letting me post (LOL). I appreciate all thoughts and opinions about such topics. I need it; it helps. Here is a letter from a great friend of mine:

"Subject :
We're all human...!

Hi (HOPE)! Me, (great friend). I just KNEW after I got your e-mail, that I had better check your “virtual therapy” page, to make sure you didn’t tell all of the internet (anonymously, of course) that you might be a sexaholic. And sure enough, you did.

Oh (HOPE), you silly, funny girl. :) There’s a little bit of a hypochondriac in all of us, trying to figure out what is wrong with ourselves. We’re not full-blown hypochondriacs, but we still worry. That’s what we do! Like I said before, I do recognize a few things from the SA list that match some of your concerns– but I don’t think that you actually ARE a sexaholic.

And apparently Hepzibah, who I assume is somebody who knows you quite well, doesn’t think you are either. How she put it, it sounded pretty smart. I am all for you feeling the need to get help. I’m happy to hear you went to the doctor the other day (I think I read that in the blog). I don’t now how it went, but I hope it went well. If you still felt the need to look into the SA stuff, I’d strongly advise you to contact a same-sex mentor first, and feel the group out that way, to be able to talk to someone privately and candidly (and anonymously) to find out if your worries are the same as theirs. My suspicion is that theirs are much worse, and you ACTUALLY have more control over your life than most of them do. (Might sound weird, but I truly believe it!)


Lots of people have slept with a dozen people and have regretted most of them— that’s just life. But I really fear you’d feel totally out of place if you went to an actual meeting with actual people. While some of the things they describe might not shake you— how they act and feel about the choices they make probably would. I don’t know.

We all seek validation, like Hepz. said. I even had a prolonged hug with (gal pal) yesterday---- which is something you could just as easily point the finger at me, just like I pointed the finger at you and your back-rub. (Gal pal) and I sat and hung out for an hour or two, and among other things, she helped me take some new pictures, and helped me (surf the safer dating service on the net) for single women in my area (which is a nice step for her– actually accepting the reality that I’m not waiting around for her to be single, and that I’m going to try to find somebody). I walked her out to her car when she left, and we stood in front of the car and talked a bunch, even though she had to get going so she could finish her (class) homework. She kind of wanted a hug before she left, so we hugged. And it wasn’t a short hug. After about five or ten seconds of me hugging her (which was– nice, although hopefully not in a dirty way), I kind of made a joke about it, and I said something like, “I guessed it was going to be a short hug, but it turned out to be a long hug, and that’s cool, because it’s been a while since I had a long hug.” Yeah, I said that out loud. And she said something like, “I like hugs too.” (I don’t remember the exact words.) So we just kept hugging. We hugged for another twenty seconds or so! Which was— weird— but cool. We’re all human. We all want validation, and companionship, and to be liked or listened to. Who can blame us for that?

We’ve just got to be responsible, is all. And before I go, I might as well ask: how is you job/ money stuff going? In some ways, I feel that may be the biggest thing on your plate right now, and yet you as much as you’ve written me this week, you haven’t mentioned anything about it. I hope you feel you are making some progress on that front too. Take care, (Hoping4more). You are unique, you know that? And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
–(Great friend) "


(Hoping-here) Thank you, great friend! BOY do I appreciate you so much...you have no idea...yes I'm still a disaster, what can I say. It still feels like my head is spinning (yikes, scary!!) and I've done so many things wrong that I have NO IDEA how to make right. Dizziness, vertigo, fainting...these things have all been a part of my life lately. Failure...there is one of my worst fears...TIME TO FACE IT!!! No way out. I'm stopped at every angle. I have no other choice, that I see, so my success will only be that I will try to handle it well. Thank you.

Am I a Sex-a-holic, or not!??

OMG, I don't know which one is worse!!!!!!!!!!!! if I'm NOT then I made two fully horrible mistakes that are COMPLETELY unjustifiable, dangerous, detrimental, and unacceptable... I am "looking for love in all the wrong places..."
but I want to take responsibility and be honest... OH MY GOODNESS I am so nauseaus. I can't divorce, I can't be faithful, I can't THINK STRAIGHT.
I need something, SOMETHING.. I am so glad I went to the hospital yesterday to get help. I am so glad; I really need it badly....I have GOT to get straightened out. I NEED some serious help...
I don't know how to be that strong woman who just does everything herself. Help, to show me the way??? I understand it will be painful....I need that JUST RIGHT CHALLENGE.

why can't I divorce? I am hurting him more by staying, right? I love him, but just not in that way. I WISH I could have my emotional needs legitimized...

kick my ass, but then give me a hug, I am a mess (just watch it-is there a rehab place just for me??)

Shame on me

This is hard to say. It is not attractive at all. I've been TRYING to overcome things. I didn't think I could really qualify but I DO. I am a sexaholic. It is not a good thing at all and I am deeply ashamed, but scared, SHITLESS! It is highly embarrassing. I'm living near my family here, who is deeply deeply traditional and such........

I'm afraid of losing my daughter if I'm completely honest. I don't trust my in-laws. I didn't even KNOW I was a sexaholic until I read a little about it on this site. I have caused a lot of pain to others with this. I cannot really feel safe to say everything but I'm seeking help.

I can't figure out where to look for help! But I am looking to the people on this site. I hope that helps.

Some people say there is no such thing. And in that case, I would just be a horrible person because otherwise I cannot figure out the definition. but to me, sex has been a drug, because the only way God meant it was within the contexts of a happy marriage, and that is not how I've had it. I am confused, and I am unsure, but it rings true in too many ways. I do not want to jump on the bandwagon too soon-it isn't something I want to publicly do! Go to a MEETING! Talk to other people who will probably GROSS ME OUT!! And I will probably gross other people out....

and I don't want to get stuck somewhere without getting the fullest of "recovery" because... for one thing many people just use things against you and don't understand how to help. And... also, there is an inherent flaw in the twelve step program, in my opinion, in general, but it is the best we have right now. I only think there is a little more needed, or actually a little different approach but I'd probably be boo'd all over out the door if I actually said it because people NEED to have something solid to rely on. They NEED to think this is it and if they do this program, they can get better. I think there is something definitely too that, but there is more needed and I'm a bit scared to get stuck in the "twelve-step trap". I am dubbing that word myself, now, but want to clarify it is my own personal opinion based on what I know and have seen, and there is more needed to actually quantify and clarify those points
I still have that main weakness of overanalyzing...of course, a faulty feedback loop that MUST be corrected...I hope....

Saturday, August 26, 2006

I'm a DORKWADIAN to the THIRD Degree!!

ha i know that is me bein' juvenile, good lessons to help me grow up, I'm getting a little late in the game (why someone of MY AGE....ha ha)

I'm getting the point! It's good to learn (LOL) I don't know WHO I thought I WAS exactly. ha ha! I have no intention of enabling a bad behavior. and I'm not perfect! I cannot judge. Ha what a relief!!

HE really needs to feel important, and needs the comeradery and sense of accomplishment of having a job, with built in safety nets to accomodate the unknown and his particular needs LIKE EVERYONE ELSE ON THE PLANET including myself (sheepish grin).

It is NOT always "all or nothing". sometimes our friendships, relationships, and connections are somewhere in between, not fitting neatly necessarily into a predefined statuses; there ARE exceptions. I've been missing the point for a LONG time.

It doesn't have to be black and white. I've struggled and struggled and analyzed and over-analyzed (NOooo, Not me!)

We are ALL inter-connected, and the rules HAVE to be adapted to fit the needs most of the time. I can listen to my own conscience. Each person gets to do that, and reap the consequences of their own actions.

"It's all good." Can you believe that is the motto for my highschool senior class, Soooo funny because I have had all these legalistic concepts to sort through, so me at 17 was like an 80-year old woman (at THAT time), VERY CONSERVATIVE, and shy, and rule-oriented, I think my worst fear was violating a rule...for the most part. like I said, AT THAT TIME.
and debating it back and forth apparently until I get to where i am now, boy, not much different, really...still battling away back and forth at the concepts. I'm my own debate team, all in just myself, LOL.

Well, "to the pure, all is pure.", so that statement really is one I like (translated to a more current vernacular, ha)

ANYWAY! Things will be JUST FINE. What else could they be? No enabling of a bad pattern happenin' here now! good stuff...

Friday, August 25, 2006

Can't Do Both at the SAME TIME

I need something solid in my life. I cannot handle too many things, up in the air, at once.

I have failed. I feel uncomfortable to turn anywhere I know of, for help. For there to be technically no one there, is too much for me...I have to figure out how to think about this: it's TOO overwhelming...

I need too much. Too much, too late, it's way out of control...

For my "marriage" to be the way it is, with no clarity, and for my job to be the way it is, and I need to focus a lot of time, energy, and attention on it...I am just too stressed out! I just can't do this. I have dropped the ball. I feel like a total failure. I cannot make anyone happy right now...

I am in a drastic state of needing to be rescued. THAT is so pathetic. I do NOT want to foster another codependent situation...someone who needs to be needed, me, needing some help...NO. I need so badly to understand where true, healthy boundaries should exist, and it seems my experiences have brought me to really understand the "criminal mind".

Gangsters: they are getting their basic needs met. No one else was meeting those core needs...how can that be wrong? Sure, values and principles are shady and THAT'S bad, but, isn't taking care of your loved ones a valuable thing? No one can judge...

Drug Addicts: The way my head has been spinning lately, I only WISH I were on something to calm me down. And I have no access to health care, who can judge someone who is trying to meet basic needs, when no one else is doing it? It is not like they told the world NOT to help them...

Underground market: with poverty rampant, and desperation to make a living, where do you think people will turn? To whatever opportunity they see in front of them...when you are hungry, and you have kids to feed, or a wife to take care of, etc...you have to do what you have to do, right? supply and demand, isn't that the way things work?

I don't agree with overriding solid principles to meet agendas, because I still have a deep faith in God and I don't believe that the "ends justifies the means"...we are called to obey principles regardless, as Christians, in this world...and I am just at a loss to figure out how to make it work for me, here, right now...

sitting here hungry, with bills, maxed out credit cards, a head that is spinning from confusion and frustration, desperation, employers calling me irritated because I have not been doing my job well, and I NEED HELP! I have gone to the places I know of designed to help "people in my situation." just turned the water back on with the last of my maxed out credit card. I hate bills being late, let alone, being all over the top, as I am now...

People say to help myself first, before thinking of others...I don't understand! Now I need help myself! I don't feel comfortable and I almost don't feel sane. I CAN'T help myself, now, I am breaking down! literally!

I could do another job right now; THAT doesn't make a lot of sense on other levels...I am not even qualified to do my own job right now. I have too many questions, and don't know who will help me learn what I need to know. I learn differently.

Something twists and turns inside of me when I am this conflicted, not knowing how to do whatever that "right thing" is. I cannot protect myself, I can barely think about it without getting dizzy, literally...if I had an MRI I bet the blood flow would show up quite differently than a normal calm relaxed state. Of course I don't know. I don't know any of that. Never had an MRI.

always meant to do everything "in the right order", financially, that is. I needed to have health insurance, before I went to the doctor. I had to have enough money to get health insurance. I had to have my job up and running before I could have enough money. Getting my job "up and running" with everything else going on in my life, has stressed me out so much my health feels in jeopardy, But then, I'm in a catch-22. I cannot get an appt. No one will see me, without health insurance, and without money. I do not want to be a parasite, on the system, either; I would just be paying off YET ANOTHER BILL, slowly, and ADD THAT to my list of potential aneurism-causers. NOT GOOD.

I need to be saved, rescued, helped (SICK!) Taught, at least, how to handle this. I have too many questions. I need answers. It is too much. But what do I do? It is all a catch-22, and it is too late now. At least I have life insurance money this month if I die from stress, but what about next month? Then it will really be too late for any hope of providing for my family if there is not some real help heading my way.

And I don't want to be judged, etc., stigmatized, whatever...I just need real help! I will "fit with the program" as much as I am able. I needed a mentor to help me get going in my profession, in the area I went in. I wasn't qualified; I didn't know much about the setting; had never done it. NOW I've got some really bad patterns established because I had no one to show me the way! I was not able to pick up on it, as stressed out as I was with home and family. I felt my dignity attacked every day, as I worked to try to make sense of it, and how do I constantly defend myself, when I know I really am messing up? It is nearly impossible.

The truth of feeling like a failure, starts to set in. The feeling of being so depressed because you know things will never be that great at home, undermines my feelings of worth. I know I should realize I'm worth something anyway! I know I am. I believe everyone is.

So I DO have low self-esteem, but deep down I know I am valuable; but someone lead the way for me so I can find my way out of this! I realize I got myself into it, but I need help! It's too much............

hypoglycemic and hungry, and feeling picky, but there is stuff here to eat right now.

this is how a person goes crazy, folks, in case anyone is curious about that process, a little at a time comfort zone unravels...

ok sorry that is so wrong to say because I believe there is always an option to trust God regardless! He is there; I know it! I do, and I need to trust!

I DO trust...problem-solving....could sell my computer, cancel my internet...then there goes my life-line.........

I am feeling all abandoned and hopeless ("My God, why have thou forsaken me?") But I KNOW that is not true. Somewhere I know it. And things WILL be okay....

Thank you for reading all this pissy ranting...nice messages are more than welcome, encouragement, etc., and honesty is always the best policy regardless of if it "hurts my feelings"...I need to find myself grounded in truth somehow...

good grief that was aweful sounding.... everyone, take it with a grain of salt....no worries.... "be anxious for nothing"; WISH I could understand how to do that........
am I a faker? are my perspectives valid? I am doing my best to be genuine, though, i am also trying to survive-
I actually am fine in other contexts temporarily coping...so... how much sense am I making...

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Living...NOW

Good point, laughorist, so I have had a bad habit of perseverating. doesn't do any good! not at all...

And Hepzi, you know what? You are absolutely right. No more of this "disabled" bull; he isn't and I know it. he's fine. he can learn, he can work, and I need to practice "tough love". I understand some of what he is going through; i'm not judging him but loving him truly would mean holding him to a higher standard, right? As well as what I need for myself, with help from my precious friends...

and he is doing better! he's got a job lined up. he's an excellent shed-builder, and that on the side...with this other job, things look good! HIS only problem...is me! I want to help the poor boy out. torturing is only a SIDE hobby, not my lifelong career! ha ha. we HAVE to separate...

bye everyone

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Mr. Husband

You see? He had NEVER done that before and never since...THAT is a good reason to have trusted him. only that once did he betray my trust on that core of a level...so I could not understand and it left me in shock for so long...I couldn't believe it and I didn't know for sure it was on purpose for three more years. but it was. he did it on purpose.

For six years I had known him, lost my virginity five years before, to him...I had NO REASON to suspect he would ever pull that, and STILL after he did ... I was thinking of all the reasons why everything will be all right, to calm my fears...I thought, well I'm not supposed to be fertile...okay, everything's okay, I told myself to calm my worries.

life goes on...i just never took it all in at once because it was more than I could take, so, a little at a time, and now I'm up to full dose...it's tough.

but i need to keep going, keep going, trying to make it right...well it's not! but still, this is life...breathe in, breathe out...

the only way I see

I know most people will probably disagree with this, but I'm not in most situations, either...HAVE to be creative...

I feel that the only way that I could manage my situation would include supporting my family in different residences until that day when possibly he really could be independent, but until then I have an obligation to take care of him because I truly believe that he couldn't make it on his own at this point...
so, basically, that's me paying for two households...yikes. because I know how things affect children when a parent is not okay, and I can't have that to the extent that I can control it. THAT is why, my dear blog-buddies, I am still not getting anywhere, it would almost take winning the lottery to get started! And then I'd STILL be a slave for a long time before things were under control. but now? I'm really having a hard time keeping my head above water, so we are NOT getting anywhere, true, and then...could I keep that up my whole life? OH I had no idea what this all entailed. my getting pregnant during school...no IDEA how that moment's hesitation, biting my lip, and agreeing to one second of condomless sex would do to my life! NO IDEA, but I'm not stupid and I knew better...I just thought there was NO way I could get pregnant, with the risk I agreed to, one second of condomless sex with no ejaculation, during a time I was technically not supposed to be fertile because I was ten days from the time I estimated was my "ovulation" time..I thought I was so good! I had the nerve to say to myself "I'm SO GOOD at birth control" I knew when I was ovulating, etc... but NOT THIS TIME! I ovulated EARLY and learned about his family history of increased sperm life. Great. That jerk, he promised just for a second and then he immediately came inside me! He really changed my life. He gave me the most beautiful girl, and what's NOT so great is we are stuck for life together when we were never meant to be. that- ooh. I can't say.

so I'm torn. If I were super rich spoiled then I would manage the two households and keep my head above water, with the increased morale of freedom and liberty to do what I need to do. Why'd I have to know what I know and then do what I did? No way to make that one seem right.

I understand why people stay together for the sake of the kids. Of course! it IS true, what better reason? It really DOES screw up a kid to be so torn, there is no way around that...no easy answers, no justifications, no way to just move on as if nothing happened because it is a BIG DEAL, a REALLY big deal. And I admire people who plug away even though they are miserable! It's a hard way to live.

I feel for you. I AM you...I have thirteen more years to go unless I become wealthier sooner...

i don't see it ever being simple. i want out though, i still know that.

NO WAY OUT

It really feels like there's no way out; i know my mistakes have gotten me to here, and some people have it worse..................... this can't be right! There MUST be a solution...
but what!

okay i'll get off it, everyone tells me I overthink things, yes I do that...

so there are distinctly different contexts and NO WAY to draw them together? I don't understand...

Isn't what is true in one context, ALSO true in another?? Can someone please help me understand? It is not that I am just missing the boat entirely, it feels like I am seeing a hundred boats (ha, instead of just seeing double, LOL)

fwew! I really DO overthink things; is there a medication to help out with that? It is not functional...I know I can do better.

Full Blown Affair...

Mentally, I am currently having a full-blown affair, and FRUSTRATED I'm not having an ACTUAL affair...this is not good! I know it is not right. I guess I am just not happy with "the way things have to be". What is WRONG with me?? Is there any way to make this right?

I cannot THINK straight. I am so sad and miserable in my marriage, and I do not have the strength to fight everything. I really am a wretch! If I do something with him then I know I'll feel worse and everything will only get more complicated. WHY can't there be SIMPLE answers...

I don't know why I don't feel worthy of an actual good relationship. WHY IS THAT? Did I mess up too much? Is it that we are supposed to live our lives out in peious acknowledgment of our sinful selves? What about living triumphant lives! What about faith in God? Saved through GRACE by our FAITH...

Am I supposed to live my life out of guilt, and never live fully? I can't take it anymore! I really am sad, and I want legitimate connections with nothing wrong at all...

i'm trapped! in a web of codependent deceit. sometimes money CAN solve all a person's problems...but all I want is truth and I want to come about it honestly, i want to work honestly, and somehow make sense of this life....

someone, show me how....

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Reconnecting with ole' friends

This is good. Lately I've been reconnecting with ole' friends from "back in the day". It's been pretty fun. Indulgin' in a little bit of good old nostalgia...awe, fun, and sad, all at the same time.

I don't know why this sadness and desperation won't leave me though- I'm so torn! I really want companionship in my life...I don't know how to make anything right. I don't want to be unduly selfish, above following principles I believe in.

I just really wish I could come home to a friend and lover, companion, who knew me and still loved me, instead of what I do in real life.

I like to dream, but there is a point where it is almost unbearable, and I want real things to happen in my real life. But the price is too great. I have responsibilities. I have obligations. youthful indescretions really can cost a person a life's freedom, slavery forever, it feels like....

okay, so it is good that i am enjoying talking with ole' friends, but bad that I remember how good it felt to be free, and now it is not that way. there is always something though, might as well be this? I don't know.

If I were unmarried I would have that same dilemna, morally to not have sex because I am not married. But I would have that lovely freedom of mind to think about the possibilities! And I would be able to be honest with myself and others. Now I feel trapped and cannot say what I really feel. I am not allowed to be open and honest.

I miss that! I really want to live a free, full, life. It seems like it got cut short, but no one gets it perfect no matter what.

I wish I could have it all: Having the honor and respect of being pure, innocent, free, and yet, enjoying sex with a partner I can relate to. I guess I underestimated how much that mattered to me. I had a ridiculous notion that i had a duty to sacrifice myself for the wishes of others.

Not that there is anything wrong with that, but...there IS something messed up about it in my case.

Okay back to reconnecting with old buddies...awe, memories....
:))

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Deadly Sins...

This is kinda cheesy, but also sorta fun! ha








Your Deadly Sins
Lust: 40%
Pride: 20%
Sloth: 20%
Wrath: 20%
Envy: 0%
Gluttony: 0%
Greed: 0%
Chance You'll Go to Hell: 14%
You'll die from overexertion. *wink*
How Sinful Are You?

here i am! I'm finally showing the world...

Check this out! cracks me up!

Friday, August 18, 2006

nighttime anxiety...

it's not terrible, but it's keepin' me awake...and it's the reason I am less focused during the day...not cool!!!! i don't know if medication or WHAT is the answer. but i've tried for a long time to get an appt. for possible medication, and I keep getting put off. I don't understand it! Paperwork from here to there and back and whatever!!! It's been several weeks, come on! This is riDICULOUS! oy...

I am not feeling anxious right now, just ALERT. like normal. My circadean rhythm is just this way, if I could do what I naturally do, then it would be fine! If there were second shift options in my field, that is!! It is funny because in MY profession, it is a huge deal to work first shift, and it seems strong people in my profession have fought hard to only have to work first shift!!

And then there's me...I'd prefer to work second shift. I've worked second and third shifts before and I was always much better then than during first shift hours. It's like something in my brain is asleep or dead during normal business hours!!!!

Oh boy....so funny to be in my shoes!

I wonder if it is the calm of night? I enjoy that calm...and if it ISN'T calm, then I AM anxious and STILL not sleeping... so a catch-22 I guess you could call it. I want everything to be quiet and calm, and I am fine.

I think I just am overstimulated in general, and like to have some control over my environment to protect from the burdening sense of extra stimuli in my world. it feels overwhelming other times in the day, bombarding my senses to respond to so many things...

what is in my brain that is keeping me awake? It is not so bad except that I need that "awake"-ness TOMORROW, in the MORNING and THROUGHOUT THE DAY!!!!! Why do I have it now? Fully conscious, alertness, calm....I need to redirect that to the critical times I absolutely MUST have it! I'm feeling powerless!

Tomorrow I will be a delayed zombie, that is the real trouble. The truth is, the sounds of my own family members drives me nuts! I need the quiet and calm to focus. So even if I were totally alert and calm, the sounds and vibes from mr. wonderful would drive me nuts...and this is the office where I plan my day and make my calls, etc. SO THERE IS A PROBLEM!

I have problems I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIX! Oh boy...

How do you SOLVE a problem LIKE...Maria???

I'm all ears!!!!

Goodnight...or so I'm attempting...again.... oh..............zz, just kidding.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Gotta Keep it Separated!

Focus disorder...who COULD focus in a mini-zoo...an adult male with the ability to read a maximum of two consecutive short sentences on a GOOD day, with a five year old girl as hyper as a baby wildcat. All the household adult responsibilities with NO ONE to share them with...do YOU think YOU could maintain your adult manner and focus throughout all that, especially with a HOME OFFICE in an open area of the busy household?? I don't think so! Something's gotta give.........

I am considering joining the army or the navy...I am looking into all kinds of job alternatives even though under ideal circumstances, this one would be best. I must have imagined that whole concept of ideal along with all the other silly dreams I have come up with! The funny thing is, the normal supposedly down-to-earth dreams that most people have are the ones most unrealistic to me at this time! A quiet family setting...now I just don't grasp that concept.

Home offices may not be the best bet at all. That whole idea of having your own business with flexibility to be able to have a busy family life! HA! That is the funniest thing I've ever heard! Those people who understand how THAT works, have never met my bunch...

Oh my normal dreams are the ones I have to stuff away and forget about, and those wild seemingly unattainable ones are the ones I'll have a better shot to actually achieve!

This distraction freak-show is making me crazy. I try to explain this: big people need peace and quiet!!! sometimes. and diversion sometimes. I've received a life sentence! or at least a couple decades or so...

oy. I keep it up because I know my daughter feels more whole with both Mommy and Daddy in the same house, but I feel that my nerves are being severed frequently because there are certainly things I would do much differently. I can only do my part and let the rest go. *exhale*

Discipline, focus, order...and the rest of my pipe dreams... no more home office if I can help it! And I also may just join the services...or work in a clinic (Okay so that is a huge difference) ha. ok so my decision making is in early stages still, ha ha.

Direction, Please, God!

Ha ha ha ha ha. I just have to laugh or pretend to, coping mechanism.

My sexist theory on enabling bad behaviors vs. simply helping someone: it depends on whether you are trying to help a male or a female: the male ego seems to require the sense that they accomplished everything themselves, however, females are more often perfectly capable of accepting things as gifts without it damaging their self-esteem, and they continue to work and do their bests without problems!

so to "help" a male may actually make his life worse, but to bestow gifts upon a female, there does not seem to be negative results unless that female is MARRIED, to a MALE, and there are problems as a result of injury to THAT male's ego...there is the problem.

Women tend to be supportive to others and help. Men seem to be more interested in clear boundaries, territorial issues, and so on. I guess it's human nature.

Let me just say this: I AM A WOMAN SO I WOULD ONLY BE HELPED BY HELP!!! So there, I am not the type to become worse with help. I will only appreciate it! But I can see how this is just not the case for many others. whatever...the ego thing, or reinforcing negative patterns, etc.

gotta go!

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Dreams IN MY FACE

I should say THINGS ARE GOOD! It's AMAZING... how the very things I dream about happening are right here, in my face, to work on...good stuff! sorta...but...don't know if I'm ready for it.

My dream is to help design programs or modify existing programs, so that displaced, disabled, or otherwise underfunctioning individuals have the opportunity to succeed with employment, educational programs geared toward increasing independence with employment or running their own businesss if appropriate, and adapting working situations to facilitate increased independence for persons otherwise unable to maintain positions. (wordy, wordy, wordy...sorry about that!!)

Here I am! With needs to fill spots in my business, and only people with terrible work histories, disabilities or other difficulties available to assist and YES that makes it difficult to imagine a functional bottom line...and YES that increases the difficulty level of business ownership...and WHO KNOWS if job duties will be able to be counted on to be carried out? WELL!!! The best therapeutic approach, as I know, is to still put a person in a position to have to, so that their chances of learning it are increased dramatically! And having to face the consequences of NOT fulfilling work duties actually increases their understanding of what is needed in the future...meanwhile I have a business to run...

So there are inherent difficulties, of course, unless I had grant money to fill in the gaps, to compensate for documenting results for research purposes, and to cover the bases for having to cover jobs undone...

OH! The joys of being a hopeless dreamer...are many, I tell you. I still love Don Quixote...he's my hero...LOL.

Maybe I could outline a learning model which could produce profits (SHOULD produce profits...) and there could be a well crafted equation to determine what goes where to steadily increase productivity, success, motivation (of participants), without enabling maladaptive responses, to the best of the ability of the working model. And whatever disability income from whatever source is factored into the equation without undermining the motivation that success-driven profits reinforces, so that a person who achieves more actually benefits more financially but does not ever drop below a reasonable standard of living (without stifling the motivation to improve...)

ok this is wordy and not terribly clear, I'm sorry, but at least it should be blog-worthy in this unrefined state!

I better go to bed. Goodnight beautiful world, I love you!

Monday, August 14, 2006

Gross me out the door, all the way to Jupitor...

Oh have mercy...

My husband so disgusts me on so many levels, I can barely keep track of all the ways...

He prefers young, rather chubby, and dumb girls. It really grosses me out...how he stares for twenty minutes... he likes the airhead high pitched voices, with nothing intelligible to say, extra chunky, and young, of course... nothing like me! Out of desperation he pretended I was his type... Have I said he disgusts me yet?? I don't think I've emphasized the point clearly enough..

I am thin, intelligent (except during critical moments apparently), and NOTHING like his taste in women. It must have been for his own survival knowing the woman would have to make all the money and manage the household responsibilities that he was able to switch gears for a while...HOW we ended up together is beyond me. It required a lot of outside force at critical moments, that's the bottom line. And it pisses me off that everything had to happen the way it did, and now I am raising a kid with him, and I cannot bear to break her home up, if I can help it, plus I CAN'T right now, anyway, if I wanted to...

He SO grosses me out too, let's just say, I like a man with a nice, big.....

VOCABULARY!!!! He does not fit the bill for my interests either.

Gross, sick, yuck, disgusting...that is my thought for the night.
goodnight!

OK....I'm back to edit the post and say that I really hate having to express all this mean stuff and I do not remain feeling that irritated...I should have known. I'm no saint. I've not fallen into a pit. I knew what I was getting into and I got what I should have expected. I love him and my only real thought was I couldn't live with the thought of him not making it. It bothered me too much. Well congrats, I got what I wanted! ha. if this was the alternative to not knowing if he would be "okay" then I got what I wanted. I just wished there would have been a "third" option that I knew of, knowing he was okay but not with me. That would have made the most sense, and that was something I could not see. too bad.

It wasn't totally selfless. I didn't want to live with the pain of losing him to drugs or something else aweful. I knew I was a sense of security for him and he wouldn't cope well with our breakup. It was always true. Even though it is less than ideal in many ways...

He is stable now! He is fine, for the most part, just not independent. Is this what I apparently bargained for? I guess so. I want him to be happy. I really do.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Conclusions...

I can't make staying together or divorce right in my head. Staying together? obvious problems...divorce with no working together on the part of both parents...I know what it did to me. It may have been the best in that case, however, there is no way I want her to go through that if there is a BETTER ALTERNATIVE...I will not live in unacceptable conditions or mistreatment either. I already have to work my way out of that to be able to AFFORD the option. But if we are able to be remotely cordial together for her sake, I will deal with it.

so legal separation is the answer for now it appears. divorce may create more difficult treaty makin' with him and the inlaws at this point. I just want to be in a position to work together to the best of my ability for her best interests.

I'll tell you why: for all who may be judging that decision harshly, mentally it had been a solid decision for a long time, that I planned to divorce. I didn't have everything I needed to make it happen under reasonable circumstances, but it was a decision in my mind to be working toward that. I experienced NO RELIEF of any of the stresses I was going through, worries, fears, concerns...NOTHING!! Just mounting stress upon mounting stress, trying to make this all right in my head. and for me alone it has seemed the answer was clear, but it is not only me alone. And even for me, I still think there is reason to think staying together is best.

There is a natural tendency to resort back to the family from which you came, upon divorcing. Well for me that was more of a strain than I was able to handle. I feel a bond and obligation to both sides, but there is no link between the two. That leaves me mentally feeling that there is a big gulf between the parts of myself, and I cannot feel that torn and be healthy!

The reason why this torturous strain influenced me so was TO IMAGINE THIS COULD BE MY DAUGHTER SOMEDAY!!! I cannot have her feeling so torn in so many directions, worse than it already is! I am not going to make that worse, if i can help it. I will do my part to alleviate that stress for her, and eliminate as much of that strain as I possibly can from her life. No child should EVER have to choose.

Sometimes I have thought that the more compassionate thing to do is for a child to be adopted out than have to live through the painful pull to Mommy and Daddy in opposite directions. OR let one or the other have total custody unless they can get along. I know this is not a unique situation especially today, but I think it is not a good thing to grow too numb to the reality and how it affects everyone involved, regardless of how common it is. A child has a natural loyalty and connection to both sides...it is a really sad thing when there cannot be peace between them.

This journey toward these somewhat painful conclusions has not been easy, and does not make everything just wonderfully peachy...but it offers a resolution in that I have a direction to go in, albeit a VERY difficult direction. I have some further insight for my reasonings to help me remember why I am doing what I have to do. Even if we have to live apart, I will work together to the best of my ability to promote peace between us.

I will probably quit blogging so much...that's my goal. Love to not feel the need. lol

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Silly Stuff

Beautiful people...give birth to girls? Ha ha that is so funny. I'd like to know the extent ot the research talked about in this article. It IS a funny concept though.

Click here to check it out.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Blog-a-rama

okay so I'm way off the handle...excessive blogging lately. And YES! it is to substitute for the lack of companionship in my life. And yes! I do this to myself because I still haven't managed to kick husband out of the house and it is driving me nuts on an unseen level...and everyone can see that clearly, two friends called me on it today, and a couple family members curiously looked at me, with obvious questions of what am I doing...

and I feel both calm and disturbed by his presence. I have not had any wierd neighbors bothering me since he's been back. Twice in the last week strangers approached me in the late night at my house and scared the shit out of me! I screamed at the top of my lungs because it took me so off-guard. And in THIS creepy neighborhood, I don't exactly feel comfortable, and I'm starting to feel like a target. Really shaking me up as men seemed to had been (not correct grammatically but OH WELL) noticing I was here by myself and I DON'T APPRECIATE it. Really wrong. It freaks me out. All the gold teeth and winks and such is causing me to feel unsafe. LEAVE ME ALONE! I will have to go tribal on some folks if they keep it up...

Hey one other thing (actually a good thing): I came across this article on another blog, and it seems to be very true for me at least!! This information regarding a women's sexuality rings true to me! http://www.themarriagebed.com/pages/biology/female/frequency.shtml It relates that increased sexual frequency increases a woman's sex drive while decreasing it will cause a decline in desire. I am practically desire-free! There are just a few fleeting moments once in a while in a sleepy state, but otherwise I am no longer in the mood hardly EVER. So that's GOOD for my life right now. I don't need that kind of distraction or temptation bothering me right now. I'm disturbed enough as it is!! Ha. And I think this level of discomfort has nipped the rest of my sex-drive, right in the bud...that IS part of what I wanted, right? Well I guess I get what I want more often than I realize!

On Broken Homes, Etc.

Hey folks! A real email from a real long-term friend...thought I'd post a little real stuff today... he has been a friend almost all my life, a great guy. I will post his email, and then my reply.

TO ME, From Longterm friend:
I read your blog stuff, and thought I might write. Now, remember, I’m your friend, and I’m coming from a friend place, so don’t hate me for long. :) “I need to know that my daughter has a whole home...I need to somehow make myself believe that is possible....with divorce, you see...a kid casualty is just more than I can live with.” Are you saying that because my sister is a single mother, that she doesn’t have a whole home? Are you saying that my nephew is some sort of casualty? What the heck?! I know you’re suffering right now because a lot of stuff in your life is either hurting or falling apart. And I know you are trying to remain optimistic in the face of adversity. What’s more, I know you yourself are also the child of a divorced couple, so I’m not trying to preach to you. But half the time, when you go on about the divorce and your daughter, you talk like it’s the end of the world. Knock it off! You think you’re the first person to go through a divorce? You keep talking like you need the stories of other survivors, to tell you it’s possible. Knock it off! Of course it’s possible! And you can’t go around saying that a divorce is going to ruin a child’s life. I won’t let you say that about my nephew. His father wants no part in his life, but I wouldn’t DARE say he has less of a whole home, or that he’s some victim or casualty. Now, is your situation different, in that (husband) will be involved in her life as she grows up, and possibly influencing her (along with his family) in negative ways? And is it also different that you worry you’ll make mistakes that your parents made, and (daughter) will turn out similar to how you turned out? (Um, not that there’s anything wrong with how you turned out.) :o) . But just because it’s different, doesn’t mean it’s not survivable. People have had it worse, and survived, and prospered. So knock off your whining. Just do what you need to do to protect your daughter. Love her, and take care of her. And THAT makes a whole home. (And yes, I know you can’t watch her AND work at the same time, but you catch my drift.) Just do it. Take care of her, and do what’s right for her and yourself. And of course, lean on your friends and family. But don’t worry yourself sick about how screwed up the situation is. Just do what needs to be done. And this— THIS is why I don’t post comments on your blog. Do you realize how many other bloggers there would LYNCH me for posting all that? I know I’m probably out of line for saying some of that, but I figure you won’t kill a good friend for a rare blunt opinion. And as always, HUGS. You know I care about you, and I know it’s tough on you right now. You and your family have got a permanent spot in my prayers. (And I say that hopefully to make you feel good, not freak you out.) Write me sometime, okay?

–(My good long-term friend)


From Me to:
(longterm friend)
hey do you mind if i post part of what you wrote, anonymously?
oh btw of course I'm not saying your nephew is a kid casualty! I was a kid casualty! I have had a hard time in case you didn't notice!! (but I DO appreciate your response ENORMOUSLY, friend)
MY honest opinion is that a kid stands a better chance with one devoted parent than having to deal with two who cannot or will not agree on anything for the child's best interest! THAT is what I'm truly afraid of, you know me!! It would be one thing if he'd just leave and didn't show any interest, but he is fighting for what seems like dear life! He cannot even cope with the reality; that doesn't help me much, but I cannot have that kind of energy to constantly fight it all the time. It is EXHAUSTING...
I am TIRED. Very tired. It eats away at me. I want my space, but I HAVE to deal with him, and he will not cooperate!! I cannot fight it all the time.
I know what I went through with MY parents. He's doing the same kind of thing my mom did, and that tore me up!!! I don't know what the best thing to do is! I'm afraid I don't see a good option anywhere! I know that my mom manipulated and controlled, and through our loyalty to her, she made us afraid to connect with our dad... I don't want him to do that to her!
We needed both of them. She needs both of us. Anything that harmed my mom harmed us, because she was not mature enough to leave us out of things. I do not see the kind of maturity needed, in him, so I am afraid for her. Do you understand? I don't know what to do! I'm devastated, really. Broken up, feeling helpless, hopeless...there HAS to be a way! I just don't know yet, what that is. I WISH I could explain this better to you...
THANK YOU, though, for all of your encouragements. You have put up with a lot of my whining, I know. I appreciate it. You've always been an amazing friend. Thank you, thank you...
Love and Hugs,
(Me)



JUST TO LET EVERYONE KNOW, this very mild-tempered friend of mine always cracks me up when he tells me something that he thinks will upset me. No, he's a good guy, and I know it. We differ about a lot of things (good for him, you're probably sayin' :O) but I know he comes from a place of genuine love and concern. And he is probably tired of this middle ground place I have been in for so long now. I can't imagine being the friend of someone conflicted like me and having to hear the same crap over and over again! I understand, and no apologies are ever needed for stating your opinions on that! That kind of thing helps me, anyway, to clarify and set boundaries in this grey place where I'm living. devoid of clear meaning...see, I really don't like it and I AM in a funk, a bad funk, but apparently marinating in it with no resolutions in sight! THAT'S a disgusting thing to see, I am sure...

Does it really look like the answers are easy, from the outside? See, that's what I'm trying to get a glimpse of, because from in here, it's all complicated and messed up and every decision is mixed with a new ethical dilemna...

I know I'm probably making some people mad...WHO would put up with me for long, I really don't know. I guess I probably wouldn't touch me with a ten-foot pole if it weren't that I were stuck BEING me...

I NEED HELP!!! I will admit that. I need some external structure!! I don't know where "home" is...like that first night on campus, when I ended up drinking and bonding with my new roomie, and somehow didn't know how to find my way back to OUR room so I was knocking on the boys' side because it was the equal and opposite version of our side!! I thought IT was home...nope. one more embarrassing story to put in the books for me!! I don't know if I told you about that (longterm friend). I probably did.

(this is just to help me think about something else, i know, tangential). My new roomie and I were playing a game, asking questions, bonding, at the university I went to (close by). I apparently had one shot too many and all my memories faded out from that point in the night on. It was bizarre...still the ONLY time I've ever reacted that way to alcohol (It was only a quarter of a pint of vodka...okay...odd) well she took off my pants and put me to bed (I always wished she would have left those on...) at least my panties matched my shirt! ha. I get out of bed and go wandering through the building, accruing numerous bruises all over. I was told I did sumersaults on the concrete and fell down the concrete stairs at one point....then tried to find my way "home", knocking on the boy's side of the building that looked just like our side. All these guys show up with their girlfriends, and I am there doing sumersaults on the floor in my panties. HOW EMBARRASSING!! That is the only drunk memory I don't have besides another experience in which I fell asleep but never got that drunk... I had to be told about this...

one day i walked into the cafeteria and a table full of guys said, "hi, (my name)!"... I sheepishly said..."so I've met you" and laughed, telling them that'll never happen again! we all laughed and I tried to contain myself and be totally calm, but I was thinking to myself exactly what did they see that night!! I am afraid to know. But at least we were all cool with each other...

Fwew! no more excitement, please, I'm an old lady now...I am just so glad I was in a locked dorm (we should have NEVER been drinking there, true!) and nothing bad happened to me! Thank goodness! I have never done that again...I have drank a little but I know I am a lightweight and will not ever have much at all.

ok ok so that had nothing to do with the previous topic...except the funny "where's home" thought... I apparently cope by distraction. and humor, if there's no other way I can think of.

Bloggy Blues

Hello...more blog talk....seriously though, talking realistically about this habit...I've heard some say it is dangerous because it creates a "false sense of intimacy". It's all in good fun, isn't it? Who takes it that seriously? But I know it is filling a void in my life that perhaps it isn't meant to fill. I have always liked writing, and this arena is a whole different ballgame than that huge stack of journals I have filled up over the years...this is strange, different, and I'm actually TALKING TO REAL PEOPLE, even though it's over anonymous handles...that safety creates an atomosphere more condusive to sharing...

AND I GO MESS THE WHOLE THING UP by having some REAL friends on the blog as well as most that I have never met and really know precious little about. So how can I make sense of my blogging habit now? Do I...start over, and keep what's anonymous, anonymous? And keep another site for friends, etc, that I am close to, but actually know? There are a couple of those I'd be willing to share the first site with...and then there would have to be a whole other blog for those such as extended family, to share what is not so private, with...and then that is three different blogs altogether!! What if I get confused and accidentally post something in the WRONG HANDLE, linking two together that would be very inappropriate to share with a particular audience? Oh brother....

I guess i will leave it at this for now. For me, writing is the tool I use to try to work through the seeming inconsistencies in life, and finally try to make sense of things. It is not presentable oftentimes. People blog for so many different reasons. I write as a coping mechanism. So it is weird for me, at times, that I have combined these two purposes-coping and sharing, by blogging instead of just writing.

Sometimes I wonder if I am bordering on obsession, inappropriately, as I surf through some blogs and leave comments at other people's sites... What is that actual function of a blogger connection? The function I am looking for when connecting with other bloggers is affirmation. I look for what is lacking in my "real" life. I look for sharing thoughts, and trying to keep from going crazy in a world of contradictions...I look to see if there are any other people like me who are struggling with an issue, and how to solve it. I look to share my insights, and gain others' insights. It is a good thing, I THINK...

So, is blogger connection legitimate? I mean, it does connect different members of community to each other. Is it dangerous, because it is false? There are REAL PEOPLE behind every handle; isn't that real enough? It is perhaps a relatively dangerous context, because of anonymity the comfort of sharing goes up, while guards go down, and maybe that breaks down appropriate boundaries? I don't know. I'm just sayin'...

Perhaps it is indicative that there is definitely something not totally kosher in real life. (for some, such as myself). That I would not argue with. Does blogging substitute for getting real help and real answers? Maybe it relieves me more than it should. But then, if I experienced NO RELIEF from my stresses, what would happen then? More questions...with no answers... so I type it off into cyberspace yet again, as if someone magically will post a comment with *the perfect solution* just for me! I'm really silly...yes, I know...

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Time, Chance, Circumstance...

Everyone, we are still concerned about the missing Doc. A, so please refer to my previous post for any information leading to the blogabouts of our favorite BA sponsor... and back to the life of hoping4more...

Stormin' here today; everyone says we needed that!! I had a break this weekend, just to blog about and rest, and now I need to have brain stimulation and hopefully some improvement with my ability to focus. I feel like I'm sleeping with the enemy, a latent virus that will attack me, and in turn, my autoimmune system will destroy me in the process of trying to destroy it, if I make a move... that is the irony of codependency. I need to know that my daughter has a whole home...I need to somehow make myself believe that is possible....with divorce, you see...a kid casualty is just more than I can live with. I just don't know if I can live with being all together either. It is truly a no-win situation. I'm stale-mated (what a double meaning). He's smart enough to know he holds those keys! He's a lot smarter than he plays himself off to be... I can't decide on what I really think about him. I have been wrong, and now, who knows. The question of victim vs. evil genius, maybe we'll never know!

This blogging community really does seriously take the place of some normal need for human interaction! Scary, for sure!! It is like the synthetic drug version, without all those allergy risks of the natural kind...but is that any way to live? I dunno...good question. the REAL question is, what would happen WITHOUT EITHER ONE??!! THAT would truly be a scary sight. I guess the synthetic version saves a part of a person's life, but does it also enable an unhealthy pattern? Is it a debateable trade-off, as most issues, grey and full of ethical dillemnas? Oh well. At least this is a light-hearted piece on blogging and not something more serious such as surgeries and life-sustaining med's with questionable results. I guess I get really sick of the freagin' grey and seek clarity once in a while, holy cow.

I really want to extend all measures of comfort and gratitude to those brave, helpful souls in positions to have to constantly be making judgement calls on other people's lives, when there may be no hardened clear answer! Kudos to all doctors, surgeons, nurses, psychiatrists, and other health care practitioners (the list is long...) out there who have the bold responsibility to care for others and decide on procedures and medications in attempt to improve other people's lives!!! It must tax your soul, and make you weary to carry that torch all the time. It must be somewhat lonely to have that kind of weight on your shoulders...It must feel thankless at times when clients/patients sue, yell, and complain, with NO IDEA the extent you go to ensure their well-being to the best of your ability...

On behalf of others like me in the community, THANK YOU!!! Thank you from the bottom of my heart, for your willingness to continue, for your thoughtfulness, your passion, your diligence. I cannot think of how to thank the health care professionals who work tirelessly, yet constantly feel the strain that never is fully alleviated, of needy people who don't know who to blame or who to trust to help them achieve their health care goals! You are all very special people and the world is a better place because you choose to care. I want to just sincerely demonstrate my gratitude, as humble as it is through a post on my anonymous blog, but truly, Thank you so very much.

It is interesting how things come around full circle...time, chance, and circumstance happens to us all! We do not have the final say in life, do we? Best wishes to all who desire to live life to the fullest! Cheers (with bubbly grape juice for those who prefer.)

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Where is Doctor Anonymous?

We interrupt this life crisis situation to point out that a very important blogger has been confirmed as missing in action!!! Doctor Anonymous, are you okay?? Anyone concerned go to: http://doctoranonymous.blogspot.com/ and voice your opinion in the "comments" section... Farbeit from our Blogaholics Anonymous rules to allow a life outside of blogging! We all know the run-down...according to BA criteria, one must obsess about blogging and be incapable of resisting the urge to connect via blog, at least once every other day (and that's generous!) a comment at least is essential to maintain the minimal version of the diagnosis...doctor, are you going for the cure??? Nooooo! Not our BA chairperson! We need a leader! As BA rules mandate, you are given 24 hours to respond before our extreme measures will be issued...and I'm guessing you don't want that? Next in line for chairperson, nominations will be taken immediately and voted upon in 24 hours, after the deadline...Doctor A, we don't want to have to do this...please come out...

Perhaps Doc A is stranded on a island somewhere with NO INTERNET CONNECTION!!!! it's an emergency; he may be convulsing with blog withdrawals and as I recall this can be quite deadly!!! wireless (internet), someone, hook up a laptop and jet it there with backup batteries!!! Let there be continuous online access for several minutes...you will start to see the pupils return to their original size and blood will again circulate to the typing extremities...as convulsions fade, return laptop to full power status, and walk away slowly from the device as trust in internet connection rebuilds... then make a mad dash back to the jet as there is not another working computer in over 500 miles, realizing and thanking God that this is yet another blogaholics anonymous nightmare treated just in the nick of time... it could have been you, yes, it could have been you...

but then...there are a number of other possibilities...I vote Doc A played the hero saving someone's life! He could have moved to Denmark, had a family crisis, needed a BREAK from nosy bloggers such as myself...anything, really...and as a fellow blogger once said, maybe he took in a little extra egg-blog, and now he needs to rest his post until he blogs back to normal...

Friday, August 04, 2006

Third Post's a Charm.

breaking the rule (one post a day) again, TOO BAD!!! I made the rule myself, and it is really just a GUIDELINE, so I guess if I decide it is appropriate to break it, more power to me, huh!!

Ok, i need a vote of some sort: so my husband cannot accept that there is something going on negatively in our "marriage", and is not facing it....he has said we should do something for our anniversary. guess what we did? we all three went to the movies, and he decides he wants to watch another movie that is not kid-appropriate while the two of us (me and little one) watch the new Barnyard movie (pretty funny). I don't argue, I mean, it wasn't MY idea for us to do something special for our anniversary, with the big "D" in our future, what's the point? Well I just thought I'd let him have his way of what he wanted to do tonight.

It is no surprise to me, though. Can he be that oblivious? Would anyone you know try to take someone out to celebrate an anniversary and not even spend it with that person? I'm just trying to understand, I'm not complainin'. I was just giving him a shot. To see if I'm just crazy and he really is this super-husband he has been pretending to be. But he seems to have almost zero ability to experience genuine empathy. THAT is disturbing to me; I never know WHAT to expect from him...tell me, is it normal for a husband to ask a wife to go out for their annivesary, to do something special, and then not actually do something with the family? He said that movie might make him bored. Ok? well, so take a four year old to Miami Vice? well of course not, he understands that we cannot go in there with him. whatever...

but I had fun and preferred to actually go with her, and not him, because spending "family time" together just feels plain wierd to me anyway in light of everything. I like to keep it separated, especially since any normal expectation of mine in a marriage has more than fallen to the wayside, completely ignored. I don't know WHAT to expect. But I don't want to do this anymore. I just don't know how to be the most humane in this situation.

I feel like the functional part of me is shut down with him not understanding the boundaries I am setting around myself. It is mind-boggling. I don't understand how he makes everything right in his head. What drives this man? This father of my child, so complicated, can't just tune him out. He determines a lot of how well-adjusted my child is and will be. I have a lot at steak with him. How can I manage that?

How can someone respond to a difficult yet calm discussion of separation by bringing home chocolates with a smile, and truly believe everything is okay and that somehow has addressed the problem? Twilight Zone!! Looney Tunes, I'm on my way! This is making me crazy. I have to deal with this man forever! Why can't he just cooperate!!!!!! He is a big royal pain in my ass!

I can't escape! he is right there, with a goofy grin when it is serious, or with a pissed off juvenile expression when there is ABSOLUTELY no reason to be upset!!! Damn! This is serious. I can't take it anymore!

His mother taught him well: deny deny deny!! and hopefully reality will eventually stop knocking at your door...negate the truth, disaffirm the facts others near you are observing, try to make as many people crazy in the process so it is EASIER TO BELIEVE THE LIES!!! It is the ONLY way, and it helps if you repeat the same sentence over and over again with big crazy eyes. And family will always be there for you, it is one big happy cult! I mean family!

YUCK! I am SCARED! These are people that are very important to my daughter's wellbeing! I am creeped out beyond measure, buy why bother? The majority of the human race is right there anyway, what's the difference? THESE particular ones threaten MY sanity, and I need to be there for my DAUGHTER. SO YES, it is personal!!!!

How dare these people bombard my life in this way and take over! They have done nothing but violate boundaries from the start. Prioritizing their family and their family "traditions" over any other family unit's desires, cultishly taking where any bit of vulnerability or hesitation resided. They are bossy, controlling, manipulative, vindictive, paranoid, gossipy, lying, conniving, moody, emotional, drama queen, matriarchal, backstabbing, hurtful, sneaky, pushy, fake, and absolutely wonderful to you to your face, people.

They're not interested in TRUTH, they're interested in eating you for lunch if you get in their way. Maybe they don't mean to, maybe they're just surviving. Maybe it only hurts when you are stupid enough to actually have TRUSTED them. But I DID. And here I am now... creepy clan of girly fakes, with fake boobs and fake voices, and fake niceness to go with it.

Fake, fake, fake! (nothing against their fake boobs; it's their fake niceness I resent, really.)

Fake husband. Fake emotions. Fake love. Fake empathy. Fake marriage. Fake life together, fake sense of security, fake everything! How does it pass for real? When you're not looking directly at it, and you are busy with other things, it is hard to tell. Just don't stand still. When things are calm, it is easy to recognize the fakeness. Creepy! The most alone feeling you can have.

I don't care about good-looking. Charm doesn't impress me. REAL. That's a trait I can deal with; genuine...is it possible?

Mature, genuine, honest, caring...there are a few good characteristics I'd be looking for in friends, etc., because that's probably all I will ever want to have again. I think I've had my fill of anything beyond friendship, though that's hard to say this early in life I guess. But nothing wrong with having plenty of friends to help ground a person in reality and really living life.

holy shit; i need to recover from everything else. if that is possible...

Not a rebel; just a FREAK!

You know, I've had two people (maybe more if I think about it long enough) say they view me as having been a rebel...

FUNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I've never been a rebel type! I always WISHED there were a few CLEAR RULES I could actually follow and be in the green! Ha!! in my upbringing, rules got changed constantly and there were no consistent rules. you have to be on the jump constantly investigating exactly what move to make.

I always wanted to please everyone, but there was no way to do that! It would have been akin to being a Buddhist, a Christian, and a Satanist, all at the same time, trying to be consistent with all of the above! well, that is IMPOSSIBLE!! As you all know... Well I just sort of split and had different parts of me arise depending on the context, FREAKY, and yet it isn't to the degree that i actually have multiple personality disorder or anything, just that I am aware that I have to behave differently in different contexts, and it sort of damaged me to have to do that.

so I really am breaking my own rule (but trying to follow the intent of the rules) by making another post today. But I need to vent, and I do not want to be TOO rules-obsessed, just conservative about breaking rules and generally, I want to follow them.

You know how Jesus said that keeping the Sabbath was for OUR sake's, to rejuvenate us and allow us to be refreshed to face the week, not that it is such a SIN to ignore it...Rules all have a purpose, and more importantly than following that rule is to understand and keep the purpose.
If something more pressing is happening to warrant breaking the rules, by all means! The rules are there to HELP us, not hinder us. The point of rules is to increase simplicity and have general guidelines, reducing the need for intense analysis and scrutiny (allowing one to rest their mind at ease knowing the bases are covered, everything is okay by following several key rules of thumb). But sometimes they need to be modified in special circumstances anyway! So they are not always good enough, to just be aware of a few key rules...

So because I have broken a couple of rules, I am having to DEEPLY scrutinize exactly how to handle such a situation as this...I AM overwhelmed...if I would have just FOLLOWED THE RULES, yes, my life would have been easier...I would have been able to rest my mind at ease and not have to answer some of the hard questions. I feel pressured. People see my weak spots, having a hard time turning someone away who has a need. That is easily manipulated, and I tend to give the benefit of the doubt, so afraid of hurting someone.

Well it's me I've hurt! I'm the one I should more carefully watch for! People will just walk all over you if you let them...why is that? maybe as a habit, without understanding the consequences? I believe that is probably the rule. How many people wake up and say to themselves, "Who can I take advantage of today...hmm, let's see..." ok so it's just survival and not deliberate abuse...often. Any opinions on that?

I had a "friend" say to me, "I like it how you defended yourself (something I'm not used to always doing), because, I'd walk all over you if you let me."

What??!! What is that! I hate human nature! Can I be cleansed from being a part of it? I don't want to share traits with others with the filthy thing called "human nature".

Yuck. It REPULSES me. I want to go off to some retreat and fully cleanse myself and forever adopt a better way of living, separating out the past from the future... never to look back! taught a nice set of consistent standards to live by: the quick and dirty version, and a little at a time learning the more complex reasoning, exceptions, etc.

okay i have to go. see you all later!!

happy anniversary...

as though nothing is wrong...help me, i can't handle much more. my aunt told me she would just let it go, fake it, and keep it all together for the sake of my daughter. it doesn't matter how many open talks we have, it always reverts back to everything is okay, and it is as though HE has Alzheimer's and each time we discuss our separation/divorce, it is as though i've told him once more for the very first time and he is crushed, as though he had no idea at all...

mind-F-U-C-K...it is SO BIZARRE to have NO affirmation of the reality you know and see clearly...what is real?

is my aunt right? should i just live with it, as she suggested? is that the best thing for her (my daughter)? I feel very freaked out, because I NEED affirmation of reality so I don't feel like I'm stuck in ....doo-doo doo-doo....the TwIgHlIgHt ZoNe!!! tee hee haw haw hay hay hoo!

it feels like a sticky luring trap, that if I were to accept it, it immediately transforms into the gruesome hole of mistreatment of all humanity, punishment for all the sins of the daughters of Eve! it is 100% irregardless of my behavior-it is not about right or wrong...it is about POWER. as long as i don't agree to it, he treats me with the utmost of respect, affectionately, and constantly trying to win my submission to this...whatever it is. but if I repeatedly refuse, it's nothing but smiles, hugs, vaccuuming the floors, pretense that everything is okay regardless of what has been communicated...I could get used to this.

I don't get it, but I could get used to this either way...just don't get too comfortable! Don't trust it! It is an illusion which will dissipate upon further investigation. Solution: Don't investigate! Ba Boom. (can't believe I said that.) there it is, the way to have peace: PRETEND! Like Anthony Robbins said, if you act like you're happy, and do the things happy people do, before you know it, you really ARE happy! So why overanalyze? Ok, ok, I'm coming around... just a little wierded out, but coming around.

good thing he's not a nosy person, and he HATES reading. I have this petition for divorce document sitting right here, and he nicely stacked it, and I am sure he did not so much as read one word on the page. I know him rather well.

or is he trying to psyche me out?? could he really be THAT OBLIVIOUS!! I have discovered what a sneaky little man he can be some of the time; I REALLY shouldn't trust this...it is creepin' me out for sure! I don't know WHAT'S going on in that brain of his. It's FREAKY! Does he just have an agenda and trying to survive the best way he knows how? I wish I knew...

AGHk! WHY, oh WHY do people get married?? Ya might as well go lock yourself up in a mental institution, before thinkin' about walkin' down that isle, i tell ya, or in my case, standin' by the tree in my mom's front yard... whatever. as lovely of an occasion as it might be...
signin' a contract with the unknown! Forever ambiguous, forever tied to another messed up soul until you die or can't take it anymore! whichever is less unpleasant.

Ha ha ha ha har dee haw ho ho ho...resigning to my fate...i'll be in 11B, your happy go lucky neighbor in the psych ward, gone to lunch forever with no plans to return...

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Breakin' a Rule, Whoops!

That last post can hardly qualify for my daily limit, now can it? Ok, that's voted off as a technical post (me and my personalizied blogaholics anonymous limitations, i tell ya...) Well! I can be like "Monk" on that funny sitcom, about rules, but more than not I am the opposite. Just a wierd mix. That's me.

i am not above the rules nor would i even imagine it...i just love to be connected with the "why's" of the rules, and fulfill those to the best of my ability... oh but that gets rather hairy and the simple solution is to FOLLOW THE RULES! Yes, yes, I can see the point...

jeesh...

well my dear ole' husband is on the road, came back early...Tomorrow is our anniversary. what a deal...I feel really wierd, really disoriented about it. how can I make myself right? Well? I didn't SEE my options clearly previously, now how do I decipher them?

he apparently had a fight with his sister after which he packed to leave (king of avoidance, he is, and projecting problems to the other person). he had the audacity to tell me something of the idea that she must need medication (in his calm post-fight tone), but I know the truth!! I know the calmest person in the world will come unglued after trying to get along with him for a long enough time. And his sister is pretty stable! I know a bit about what happened. I am not happy about the way that he left it. I do not want to enable him to keep up a pattern like that. I am not justifying his behavior...nor do I know the full story of what happened.

Hell! I'm going through a divorce with this guy; I know a thing or two about it all! I want the tornado of blurry fuzz to disappate around my head, there are two many variables being considered in this equation! MUST SIMPLIFY!!! We ALL have our problems, it is just too confusing when there are so many brought to the SAME TABLE, to try to figure out what to do about them. I don't get it. I really don't.

I can't have him too near to me. Did I screw up to justify his bad treatment of me, so that I will not risk too much change? Now I wonder why in the hell I had to add a variable to this when it was ALREADY COMPLICATED ENOUGH!! Now MY head is spinning to think about consequences...as my support system is a legalistic but loving bunch o' folks, and his are die-hard loyal to him... so where do I fit in? Shoot, it looks like I never had a chance!

It's not ABOUT me. I didn't have to go and ADD MYSELF to the mix. I know that, now. I don't know what sick thing I was doing, that whole abused wife defending her husband nonsense (by making sure there is something bad I've done to blame myself). I don't like that mentality. Separate out the responsibilities. I am not justifying his screwups, nor should he be responsible for mine. Mine are mine, his are his. Period! Why does this get so complicated??!! Marriage. A breeding ground for misconceptions, when there was already so much of a blurred line of responsibility to start with. How do you handle this situation?

You can have a million different takes on the situation and how to handle it, depending on which variables are taken into consideration.

I can't concentrate! This is eating my brain! Life is NOT so simple! Why do I have to add to that complication of life?

oh good grief! How can I love him as my friend when he WON'T be accountable (that is why he had to prematurely force a union by intentionally getting me pregnant, because he cannot take the heat of deliberately requesting the responsibility of being a PARTNER!) It is all accident, he makes what he needs happen all by accident so he will not have to really face the music! Just a quick little ceremony of damage control and love and emotion, to cover up that he couldn't be responsible for being a husband under normal circumstances...and it was I who asked him to marry me (he had a choice of that or not dating me anymore-as usual with previous dating rules, as I had a child to raise on the way.) well he didn't want to MARRY ME, he just didn't want to lose his comfort zone. He was only avoiding accountability even then! I didn't know that. I just didn't know what to do. It is hard to raise a child alone, but even harder to raise a child with the resistance of a bigger child. undermining, sabatoging, rebelling, etc.

Ooh, he irritates me. he is ruining my daughter! I resent that. Can he snap out of it? What is WRONG with him? I HATE THIS!

i'm overwhelmed. too much stress. don't trust a person in love! they cannot see straight. I was so in love with him! I had NO IDEA what I was looking at, let me tell ya! so stupid... so stupid, youthfulness...

there is no way to take him out of the equation because my daughter loves and needs him; she's very attached. I wish he was never married to me in that role, and had to earn it. It is so unfair and now everything is so much more complicated. It could be so simple.

I need relief! consider this a formal cry for help (chuckle)...there are enough people here who know me and understand a bit about what's going on, don't actually worry...

God knows I need some help right now. I need therapy, first insurance, a vacation!

Can someone justify doing a study on me in which the things I need would be provided, and get me through this slump of change back on my feet, independent, with my daughter??

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I could conceivably be diagnosed with a focus disorder. anxiety, emotional disturbance, a number of things! is there some way I could qualify for help, so that my life doesn't take a downward spiral in my distress and lack of focus? I need something! I would really benefit from help; it would not be wasted!

I have a big heart and want to be in a position one day to help many people; now I am just too weak and distraught. Oh well...resigning to my fate...emotional disturbance (a constant harsh lump in my throat, distracted, just pre-grieving state)

I need to let it all out! in a safe arena! and move on! with support!! and with further education. Who do you trust? GOOD question.

I have failed my husband! To him, I was a father figure and still am (I can't bear the weight anymore.) I didn't knowingly accept this role. He needs strength, which he recognized in me, but with this unhealthy dynamic with a husband not providing me with strength, it is inevitable that my strength would run out. that is not the right dynamic for functional, happy, living!

it is supposed to be a river of give and take, not a murky lake...there has to be increased flow of interconnectedness with others in HEALTHY ways!

you are sucked clean dry if you run into a lake! something has to flow back into you! as a regular rule...it is wrong to close oneself off from others and be a murky lake...

ok enough of the streams and lakes and rivers... ibuprofen time...

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Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Random Stream of Thoughts

I love him (husband) as my friend...what a way to tear apart a perfectly good friendship!! Getting married...having kid(s)...why do we DO such things? I only want the best for him, and it turns out it just isn't me as his wife! I wish it could be peaceable...I wish we could get along... I am REALLY NOT trying to hurt him. Why do I feel sick about it in the pit of my stomach?

I love boca burgers...they are DE-licious. MMMmmm! okay I gotta eat, even though I am sick "in the pit of my stomach"...

I really want to be the best mother and ex-wife I can be...of all the roles in life to play, how odd to list "ex-wife". No one wants an ex-wife! but under the circumstances, well, we just need to get along anyway!

HOT! I had to turn the AC a little bit down, hate to use electricity...but LOVE the AC too.

SAD! I feel sad underneath it all, this happy face of mine...but underneath THAT even I know I am truly happy, strangely.

just need to work through this all! it's a long haul, but its got a happy ending...

Religion: I think this is an interesting subject-I feel there is no need to have to try to prove God; what is true will prove itself. He doesn't need us to concoct a way to make Him appear possible. The truth always comes out in the end and true faith does not fear what may happen. I admit I have been confused with defining the terms, etc... I feel there is definitely a battle going on, the battle of good and evil if you will. Presentation can tilt an issue one way or another, but true scrutiny makes the real issues come to light. I believe the Holy Spirit is what makes any true communication possible! Some people call it the "glue" that holds us all together. I believe an atheist "friend" of mine said that once. Define the terms how you like; it really more important what they mean to you in your heart because that is what determines your salvation in the end.

I have been a terrible wife. I don't know how to make that right at this point. It seems it is excessively complicated at this point to even THINK of that now. I feel enslaved in a trap that God only knows how I can be freed from. I can just be honest with myself and live life the way I know how from here. Everything has a price.

Jesus said, "Freely give, as freely you have received." He spoke of healing, etc. but also

"A just weight and an accurate measurement the Lord loveth." I really need to keep track of book, verse...I'm bad about that.

I need to understand how to justify many of the ways we think and do business, with biblical principles. I haven't connected all those dots yet for sure. Really, I believe there is an answer hidden that pertains to most any issue we face, but carefully we must first discern it. It is a paradox of self-limiting meanings.

you know, "It's all been done before" from Ecclesiastes, "There is no new thing under the sun."

I don't want to profit off of another person's pain or hardship. I don't like the "rat race." Sometimes so many things just do not make sense to me, and I don't know how so many of us can keep going with this faulty deceived notion that succeeding at others' expense really gets us anywhere!! I am tired of that mentality. I believe in individual accountability, but I am not that individualistic. Most accomplishments take team efforts. I define "accomplishments" differently, too, because there has to be a real, concrete measurement and not something that is defined in terms of something else! Like money! What can be DONE with the money, there is the measurement...

People's growth, maturity, principles, happiness, peace, and fulfillment of goals...there are so many ways to measure on an individual basis...but to sacrifice a principle to gain something that in and of itself means nothing? Well I can't see the point! I want to be a part of something real! I cannot be satisfied by the pretense of big gains without the understanding of how what is being done to receive those big gains really makes a difference? I am having a hard time really expressing this, I am sure it sounds ridiculous.

My heart is aching for the real chance to make a positive difference that I can FEEL, perceive, taste, understand, see, be a part of! be competent at!

Live how I believe...I don't want to be all screwed up anymore, living in one context one way, one another, etc...gotta make a whole person outa me! I know there is a time and a place for every season under heaven...I understand that is what being appropriate means...but also, I want to be real! I am not interested in false pretense forever! I'd rather risk it than survive. And I don't have a death wish! I just have a "live" wish! Don't want to meander around half-dead for the rest of my life, I want to truly LIVE while I am here! What's wrong with that?

As my grandpa would always say, "Don't rock the boat." Well, why? I don't understand! I am not trying to throw people offboard, but these people are standing around half dead and a little water splashed in their faces might liven them up a bit...ok... i understand the point in general, but i have seen the fake pretenses hiding a beautiful, wonderful, genuine self and I don't understand why! Why can't each person be who they are? Why does everyone have to "fake it"? Who are we all trying to impress exactly? I wish I knew...I'm still just trying to survive and I don't have any particular love of chaos but one of these days! I want to see the real smiles, real smirks, whatever is real, that is what I want to see...