Thursday, August 03, 2006

Breakin' a Rule, Whoops!

That last post can hardly qualify for my daily limit, now can it? Ok, that's voted off as a technical post (me and my personalizied blogaholics anonymous limitations, i tell ya...) Well! I can be like "Monk" on that funny sitcom, about rules, but more than not I am the opposite. Just a wierd mix. That's me.

i am not above the rules nor would i even imagine it...i just love to be connected with the "why's" of the rules, and fulfill those to the best of my ability... oh but that gets rather hairy and the simple solution is to FOLLOW THE RULES! Yes, yes, I can see the point...

jeesh...

well my dear ole' husband is on the road, came back early...Tomorrow is our anniversary. what a deal...I feel really wierd, really disoriented about it. how can I make myself right? Well? I didn't SEE my options clearly previously, now how do I decipher them?

he apparently had a fight with his sister after which he packed to leave (king of avoidance, he is, and projecting problems to the other person). he had the audacity to tell me something of the idea that she must need medication (in his calm post-fight tone), but I know the truth!! I know the calmest person in the world will come unglued after trying to get along with him for a long enough time. And his sister is pretty stable! I know a bit about what happened. I am not happy about the way that he left it. I do not want to enable him to keep up a pattern like that. I am not justifying his behavior...nor do I know the full story of what happened.

Hell! I'm going through a divorce with this guy; I know a thing or two about it all! I want the tornado of blurry fuzz to disappate around my head, there are two many variables being considered in this equation! MUST SIMPLIFY!!! We ALL have our problems, it is just too confusing when there are so many brought to the SAME TABLE, to try to figure out what to do about them. I don't get it. I really don't.

I can't have him too near to me. Did I screw up to justify his bad treatment of me, so that I will not risk too much change? Now I wonder why in the hell I had to add a variable to this when it was ALREADY COMPLICATED ENOUGH!! Now MY head is spinning to think about consequences...as my support system is a legalistic but loving bunch o' folks, and his are die-hard loyal to him... so where do I fit in? Shoot, it looks like I never had a chance!

It's not ABOUT me. I didn't have to go and ADD MYSELF to the mix. I know that, now. I don't know what sick thing I was doing, that whole abused wife defending her husband nonsense (by making sure there is something bad I've done to blame myself). I don't like that mentality. Separate out the responsibilities. I am not justifying his screwups, nor should he be responsible for mine. Mine are mine, his are his. Period! Why does this get so complicated??!! Marriage. A breeding ground for misconceptions, when there was already so much of a blurred line of responsibility to start with. How do you handle this situation?

You can have a million different takes on the situation and how to handle it, depending on which variables are taken into consideration.

I can't concentrate! This is eating my brain! Life is NOT so simple! Why do I have to add to that complication of life?

oh good grief! How can I love him as my friend when he WON'T be accountable (that is why he had to prematurely force a union by intentionally getting me pregnant, because he cannot take the heat of deliberately requesting the responsibility of being a PARTNER!) It is all accident, he makes what he needs happen all by accident so he will not have to really face the music! Just a quick little ceremony of damage control and love and emotion, to cover up that he couldn't be responsible for being a husband under normal circumstances...and it was I who asked him to marry me (he had a choice of that or not dating me anymore-as usual with previous dating rules, as I had a child to raise on the way.) well he didn't want to MARRY ME, he just didn't want to lose his comfort zone. He was only avoiding accountability even then! I didn't know that. I just didn't know what to do. It is hard to raise a child alone, but even harder to raise a child with the resistance of a bigger child. undermining, sabatoging, rebelling, etc.

Ooh, he irritates me. he is ruining my daughter! I resent that. Can he snap out of it? What is WRONG with him? I HATE THIS!

i'm overwhelmed. too much stress. don't trust a person in love! they cannot see straight. I was so in love with him! I had NO IDEA what I was looking at, let me tell ya! so stupid... so stupid, youthfulness...

there is no way to take him out of the equation because my daughter loves and needs him; she's very attached. I wish he was never married to me in that role, and had to earn it. It is so unfair and now everything is so much more complicated. It could be so simple.

I need relief! consider this a formal cry for help (chuckle)...there are enough people here who know me and understand a bit about what's going on, don't actually worry...

God knows I need some help right now. I need therapy, first insurance, a vacation!

Can someone justify doing a study on me in which the things I need would be provided, and get me through this slump of change back on my feet, independent, with my daughter??

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I could conceivably be diagnosed with a focus disorder. anxiety, emotional disturbance, a number of things! is there some way I could qualify for help, so that my life doesn't take a downward spiral in my distress and lack of focus? I need something! I would really benefit from help; it would not be wasted!

I have a big heart and want to be in a position one day to help many people; now I am just too weak and distraught. Oh well...resigning to my fate...emotional disturbance (a constant harsh lump in my throat, distracted, just pre-grieving state)

I need to let it all out! in a safe arena! and move on! with support!! and with further education. Who do you trust? GOOD question.

I have failed my husband! To him, I was a father figure and still am (I can't bear the weight anymore.) I didn't knowingly accept this role. He needs strength, which he recognized in me, but with this unhealthy dynamic with a husband not providing me with strength, it is inevitable that my strength would run out. that is not the right dynamic for functional, happy, living!

it is supposed to be a river of give and take, not a murky lake...there has to be increased flow of interconnectedness with others in HEALTHY ways!

you are sucked clean dry if you run into a lake! something has to flow back into you! as a regular rule...it is wrong to close oneself off from others and be a murky lake...

ok enough of the streams and lakes and rivers... ibuprofen time...

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