Friday, August 25, 2006

Can't Do Both at the SAME TIME

I need something solid in my life. I cannot handle too many things, up in the air, at once.

I have failed. I feel uncomfortable to turn anywhere I know of, for help. For there to be technically no one there, is too much for me...I have to figure out how to think about this: it's TOO overwhelming...

I need too much. Too much, too late, it's way out of control...

For my "marriage" to be the way it is, with no clarity, and for my job to be the way it is, and I need to focus a lot of time, energy, and attention on it...I am just too stressed out! I just can't do this. I have dropped the ball. I feel like a total failure. I cannot make anyone happy right now...

I am in a drastic state of needing to be rescued. THAT is so pathetic. I do NOT want to foster another codependent situation...someone who needs to be needed, me, needing some help...NO. I need so badly to understand where true, healthy boundaries should exist, and it seems my experiences have brought me to really understand the "criminal mind".

Gangsters: they are getting their basic needs met. No one else was meeting those core needs...how can that be wrong? Sure, values and principles are shady and THAT'S bad, but, isn't taking care of your loved ones a valuable thing? No one can judge...

Drug Addicts: The way my head has been spinning lately, I only WISH I were on something to calm me down. And I have no access to health care, who can judge someone who is trying to meet basic needs, when no one else is doing it? It is not like they told the world NOT to help them...

Underground market: with poverty rampant, and desperation to make a living, where do you think people will turn? To whatever opportunity they see in front of them...when you are hungry, and you have kids to feed, or a wife to take care of, etc...you have to do what you have to do, right? supply and demand, isn't that the way things work?

I don't agree with overriding solid principles to meet agendas, because I still have a deep faith in God and I don't believe that the "ends justifies the means"...we are called to obey principles regardless, as Christians, in this world...and I am just at a loss to figure out how to make it work for me, here, right now...

sitting here hungry, with bills, maxed out credit cards, a head that is spinning from confusion and frustration, desperation, employers calling me irritated because I have not been doing my job well, and I NEED HELP! I have gone to the places I know of designed to help "people in my situation." just turned the water back on with the last of my maxed out credit card. I hate bills being late, let alone, being all over the top, as I am now...

People say to help myself first, before thinking of others...I don't understand! Now I need help myself! I don't feel comfortable and I almost don't feel sane. I CAN'T help myself, now, I am breaking down! literally!

I could do another job right now; THAT doesn't make a lot of sense on other levels...I am not even qualified to do my own job right now. I have too many questions, and don't know who will help me learn what I need to know. I learn differently.

Something twists and turns inside of me when I am this conflicted, not knowing how to do whatever that "right thing" is. I cannot protect myself, I can barely think about it without getting dizzy, literally...if I had an MRI I bet the blood flow would show up quite differently than a normal calm relaxed state. Of course I don't know. I don't know any of that. Never had an MRI.

always meant to do everything "in the right order", financially, that is. I needed to have health insurance, before I went to the doctor. I had to have enough money to get health insurance. I had to have my job up and running before I could have enough money. Getting my job "up and running" with everything else going on in my life, has stressed me out so much my health feels in jeopardy, But then, I'm in a catch-22. I cannot get an appt. No one will see me, without health insurance, and without money. I do not want to be a parasite, on the system, either; I would just be paying off YET ANOTHER BILL, slowly, and ADD THAT to my list of potential aneurism-causers. NOT GOOD.

I need to be saved, rescued, helped (SICK!) Taught, at least, how to handle this. I have too many questions. I need answers. It is too much. But what do I do? It is all a catch-22, and it is too late now. At least I have life insurance money this month if I die from stress, but what about next month? Then it will really be too late for any hope of providing for my family if there is not some real help heading my way.

And I don't want to be judged, etc., stigmatized, whatever...I just need real help! I will "fit with the program" as much as I am able. I needed a mentor to help me get going in my profession, in the area I went in. I wasn't qualified; I didn't know much about the setting; had never done it. NOW I've got some really bad patterns established because I had no one to show me the way! I was not able to pick up on it, as stressed out as I was with home and family. I felt my dignity attacked every day, as I worked to try to make sense of it, and how do I constantly defend myself, when I know I really am messing up? It is nearly impossible.

The truth of feeling like a failure, starts to set in. The feeling of being so depressed because you know things will never be that great at home, undermines my feelings of worth. I know I should realize I'm worth something anyway! I know I am. I believe everyone is.

So I DO have low self-esteem, but deep down I know I am valuable; but someone lead the way for me so I can find my way out of this! I realize I got myself into it, but I need help! It's too much............

hypoglycemic and hungry, and feeling picky, but there is stuff here to eat right now.

this is how a person goes crazy, folks, in case anyone is curious about that process, a little at a time comfort zone unravels...

ok sorry that is so wrong to say because I believe there is always an option to trust God regardless! He is there; I know it! I do, and I need to trust!

I DO trust...problem-solving....could sell my computer, cancel my internet...then there goes my life-line.........

I am feeling all abandoned and hopeless ("My God, why have thou forsaken me?") But I KNOW that is not true. Somewhere I know it. And things WILL be okay....

Thank you for reading all this pissy ranting...nice messages are more than welcome, encouragement, etc., and honesty is always the best policy regardless of if it "hurts my feelings"...I need to find myself grounded in truth somehow...

good grief that was aweful sounding.... everyone, take it with a grain of salt....no worries.... "be anxious for nothing"; WISH I could understand how to do that........
am I a faker? are my perspectives valid? I am doing my best to be genuine, though, i am also trying to survive-
I actually am fine in other contexts temporarily coping...so... how much sense am I making...

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

speaking with clarity now girl............ you are not alone.

you know the pathetic nature of who i am. i love you.

10:45 PM  
Blogger JR's Thumbprints said...

Remember: Nice people usually finish last; however, they enjoy their freedom more than those who take advantage of everything in society. Hang in there!

7:36 AM  
Blogger Hoping4more said...

thank you!! that is encouraging. :)

9:54 AM  
Anonymous wolfbaby said...

*comfor*

sometimes when it's spinning out of control a good thing is to be able to vent it all out.. i hoped that helped you!!!

good luck

4:16 PM  

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