Friday, August 11, 2006

Conclusions...

I can't make staying together or divorce right in my head. Staying together? obvious problems...divorce with no working together on the part of both parents...I know what it did to me. It may have been the best in that case, however, there is no way I want her to go through that if there is a BETTER ALTERNATIVE...I will not live in unacceptable conditions or mistreatment either. I already have to work my way out of that to be able to AFFORD the option. But if we are able to be remotely cordial together for her sake, I will deal with it.

so legal separation is the answer for now it appears. divorce may create more difficult treaty makin' with him and the inlaws at this point. I just want to be in a position to work together to the best of my ability for her best interests.

I'll tell you why: for all who may be judging that decision harshly, mentally it had been a solid decision for a long time, that I planned to divorce. I didn't have everything I needed to make it happen under reasonable circumstances, but it was a decision in my mind to be working toward that. I experienced NO RELIEF of any of the stresses I was going through, worries, fears, concerns...NOTHING!! Just mounting stress upon mounting stress, trying to make this all right in my head. and for me alone it has seemed the answer was clear, but it is not only me alone. And even for me, I still think there is reason to think staying together is best.

There is a natural tendency to resort back to the family from which you came, upon divorcing. Well for me that was more of a strain than I was able to handle. I feel a bond and obligation to both sides, but there is no link between the two. That leaves me mentally feeling that there is a big gulf between the parts of myself, and I cannot feel that torn and be healthy!

The reason why this torturous strain influenced me so was TO IMAGINE THIS COULD BE MY DAUGHTER SOMEDAY!!! I cannot have her feeling so torn in so many directions, worse than it already is! I am not going to make that worse, if i can help it. I will do my part to alleviate that stress for her, and eliminate as much of that strain as I possibly can from her life. No child should EVER have to choose.

Sometimes I have thought that the more compassionate thing to do is for a child to be adopted out than have to live through the painful pull to Mommy and Daddy in opposite directions. OR let one or the other have total custody unless they can get along. I know this is not a unique situation especially today, but I think it is not a good thing to grow too numb to the reality and how it affects everyone involved, regardless of how common it is. A child has a natural loyalty and connection to both sides...it is a really sad thing when there cannot be peace between them.

This journey toward these somewhat painful conclusions has not been easy, and does not make everything just wonderfully peachy...but it offers a resolution in that I have a direction to go in, albeit a VERY difficult direction. I have some further insight for my reasonings to help me remember why I am doing what I have to do. Even if we have to live apart, I will work together to the best of my ability to promote peace between us.

I will probably quit blogging so much...that's my goal. Love to not feel the need. lol

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