Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Full Blown Affair...

Mentally, I am currently having a full-blown affair, and FRUSTRATED I'm not having an ACTUAL affair...this is not good! I know it is not right. I guess I am just not happy with "the way things have to be". What is WRONG with me?? Is there any way to make this right?

I cannot THINK straight. I am so sad and miserable in my marriage, and I do not have the strength to fight everything. I really am a wretch! If I do something with him then I know I'll feel worse and everything will only get more complicated. WHY can't there be SIMPLE answers...

I don't know why I don't feel worthy of an actual good relationship. WHY IS THAT? Did I mess up too much? Is it that we are supposed to live our lives out in peious acknowledgment of our sinful selves? What about living triumphant lives! What about faith in God? Saved through GRACE by our FAITH...

Am I supposed to live my life out of guilt, and never live fully? I can't take it anymore! I really am sad, and I want legitimate connections with nothing wrong at all...

i'm trapped! in a web of codependent deceit. sometimes money CAN solve all a person's problems...but all I want is truth and I want to come about it honestly, i want to work honestly, and somehow make sense of this life....

someone, show me how....

7 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

An affair in the mind may be more rewarding than an actual affair. To love and be loved just because of thoughtful conversation. The body gets old, brittle, and in my case sometimes bigger. But, until Alzheimers sets in the memories can be sweet indeed. Although if you are as hot as your posts I think the actual affair would be worth the risk.

4:44 PM  
Blogger Hoping4more said...

ha ha ha

9:17 PM  
Blogger Hoping4more said...

You are still hot; even hotter than before.

Fwew! Cool down time; cold shower for me...

9:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just remember to see the emotional affair for what it is. Don’t get to attached. I made that mistake. Had an E romance for over 4 years, plans where made, goals where set in place. It just took a long time to get where things could move forward. Well in the final count down now. County days till the eromance was to become real life……. And BAM the wind was knocked out of me…… It seems this same guy who was all love and flowery talk to me talking plans and our future was also having a real life affair. LOL that’s what I get, and I’ll tell you it hurts just as bad if not worse than a real life break up.

10:29 PM  
Blogger Hoping4more said...

wow, thank you, anonymous, don't worry! I'm not looking to make plans to be with him; we just really enjoy each other's company; he is a really great guy I admire, and there will not be a future with us together for a few reasons anyway but I LOVE him as my friend and enjoy him....so...
it is mentally disorienting though. I DO want something good in REAL life...not an online affair or an actual affair, a legitimate relationship, sometime, and it can't start this way.

it sort of makes me feel like I wouldn't be entitled to a real happy relationship because of the guilt of other things, but I have to put that all aside.

It seems I understand more than ever, why husbands cheat, and I almost think I'd have sympathy more than anything else as wrong as that sounds though I do not advocate cheating as a coping tool.

I don't think I could ever be angry at a cheating husband, after this point! oh my
i probably need to rethink this and I highly value fidelity...

there are priorities of a person getting their needs met though...

ok gotta go

take it with a grain of salt

6:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It’s the same person as before…. You deserve better and so do I. Don’t sale yourself short. I’m learning that day by day myself. Forgive yourself your past, release your guilt. Learn to embrace your life and if he can’t be true to you, move on… you deserve better.

10:26 PM  
Blogger Hoping4more said...

thank you anonymous. very positive, very uplifting.

6:48 AM  

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