Monday, August 14, 2006

Gross me out the door, all the way to Jupitor...

Oh have mercy...

My husband so disgusts me on so many levels, I can barely keep track of all the ways...

He prefers young, rather chubby, and dumb girls. It really grosses me he stares for twenty minutes... he likes the airhead high pitched voices, with nothing intelligible to say, extra chunky, and young, of course... nothing like me! Out of desperation he pretended I was his type... Have I said he disgusts me yet?? I don't think I've emphasized the point clearly enough..

I am thin, intelligent (except during critical moments apparently), and NOTHING like his taste in women. It must have been for his own survival knowing the woman would have to make all the money and manage the household responsibilities that he was able to switch gears for a while...HOW we ended up together is beyond me. It required a lot of outside force at critical moments, that's the bottom line. And it pisses me off that everything had to happen the way it did, and now I am raising a kid with him, and I cannot bear to break her home up, if I can help it, plus I CAN'T right now, anyway, if I wanted to...

He SO grosses me out too, let's just say, I like a man with a nice, big.....

VOCABULARY!!!! He does not fit the bill for my interests either.

Gross, sick, yuck, disgusting...that is my thought for the night.

OK....I'm back to edit the post and say that I really hate having to express all this mean stuff and I do not remain feeling that irritated...I should have known. I'm no saint. I've not fallen into a pit. I knew what I was getting into and I got what I should have expected. I love him and my only real thought was I couldn't live with the thought of him not making it. It bothered me too much. Well congrats, I got what I wanted! ha. if this was the alternative to not knowing if he would be "okay" then I got what I wanted. I just wished there would have been a "third" option that I knew of, knowing he was okay but not with me. That would have made the most sense, and that was something I could not see. too bad.

It wasn't totally selfless. I didn't want to live with the pain of losing him to drugs or something else aweful. I knew I was a sense of security for him and he wouldn't cope well with our breakup. It was always true. Even though it is less than ideal in many ways...

He is stable now! He is fine, for the most part, just not independent. Is this what I apparently bargained for? I guess so. I want him to be happy. I really do.


Blogger Nay said...

Hey -- we all need to vent sometimes, and what better place than your blog.

Keep your head up you are a remarkable woman.

Oh -- there's nothing wrong with chunky, I resemble that remark (LOL).


8:17 PM  
Blogger Hoping4more said...

ha! you are too funny. I just hate that he pretended to be attracted to me, and it turns out, I'm just NOT his type...he SEEMED that he really was attracted to me before but apparently it was just survival instincts kicking in because he sensed I would be able to be successful. U see? THAT is what is so disgusting to me...the false pretense! I think to each their own! NO PROBLEM!

I just wish we were able to be more honest about we don't end up feeling like we have been trapped and deceived.

I have come to the conclusion that I cannot contribute to the potential brokenness of home my daughter may/will end up feeling, so I am stuck trying to make the best of this when there may have been a million different better situations I could have ended up in, but then, there is no way to determine that, ha!!

I hate that I was deceived! It so annoys me!! oh well... my daughter means more to me than any other goal I could be working towards. I just want to know she will be okay, and that she does not feel that horrible strain to separate universes with a huge gulf between the parts of herself, as I did. I can only do so much! I just know I cannot do that to her on purpose!! It was so painful and damaging to me I cannot describe it. life goes on! I just have to make the best of everything now.

I should have written another post, by now, well maybe now I don't have to. :)

9:26 PM  
Blogger MeHereNow said...

I hate that you feel so trapped,I'm so sorry.

I'm nothing like my husband's "type" either so I don't know what these men are up to!!

My conclusion is that I'm the type he wants raising honest,well balanced children (obviously this reflects well on him - not me!) but not the type to be seen out in public with! Charmed I'm sure!

Anyway as you can tell I have "issues" with this subject so I'll leave you in peace!

You're in my thoughts - stay strong. XX

10:51 AM  
Blogger Hoping4more said...

meherenow, how do you manage to feel that way and not VENT IT ALL OUT!! I admire your control and discipline...but...don't you get pissed off and ask the questions, at least on the blog if no where else? Or to him if it would make a positive difference (ha!)...

You've GOT to be kidding about the seen out in public thing, seriously!!! Men are the most ridiculous creatures I swear (though we come in at a close second lots of the time...heh heh heh)
OH that gets me. You should feel like his queen, the object of his affection, better half, etc. etc. Is it all a power thing, a control thing?? I give up. I don't get it.

And my big question to you is if you have issues with it, you seem to really hold it in well! I don't know HOW you do that...but maybe you could give me a few tips. :O) You can dish at me or vent my direction any time you like! just in case you feel the need...
thanks for the comment; appreciate the kind words.

11:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know what you mean about being grossed out. I can't say no tonight to sex even though I am praying that something, anything will come up to keep it from happening. She is giving me the signals. I have been able to put it off for 3 weeks but, not tonight. If I don't do the deed tonight she will have to ask me if I am still attracted to her and I don't know if I can lie tonight. I may not have it in me. I just wish I could be with the woman of my dreams. I am sure she is out there somewhere.


8:35 PM  

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