Friday, August 04, 2006

happy anniversary...

as though nothing is wrong...help me, i can't handle much more. my aunt told me she would just let it go, fake it, and keep it all together for the sake of my daughter. it doesn't matter how many open talks we have, it always reverts back to everything is okay, and it is as though HE has Alzheimer's and each time we discuss our separation/divorce, it is as though i've told him once more for the very first time and he is crushed, as though he had no idea at all...

mind-F-U-C-K...it is SO BIZARRE to have NO affirmation of the reality you know and see clearly...what is real?

is my aunt right? should i just live with it, as she suggested? is that the best thing for her (my daughter)? I feel very freaked out, because I NEED affirmation of reality so I don't feel like I'm stuck in ....doo-doo doo-doo....the TwIgHlIgHt ZoNe!!! tee hee haw haw hay hay hoo!

it feels like a sticky luring trap, that if I were to accept it, it immediately transforms into the gruesome hole of mistreatment of all humanity, punishment for all the sins of the daughters of Eve! it is 100% irregardless of my behavior-it is not about right or wrong...it is about POWER. as long as i don't agree to it, he treats me with the utmost of respect, affectionately, and constantly trying to win my submission to this...whatever it is. but if I repeatedly refuse, it's nothing but smiles, hugs, vaccuuming the floors, pretense that everything is okay regardless of what has been communicated...I could get used to this.

I don't get it, but I could get used to this either way...just don't get too comfortable! Don't trust it! It is an illusion which will dissipate upon further investigation. Solution: Don't investigate! Ba Boom. (can't believe I said that.) there it is, the way to have peace: PRETEND! Like Anthony Robbins said, if you act like you're happy, and do the things happy people do, before you know it, you really ARE happy! So why overanalyze? Ok, ok, I'm coming around... just a little wierded out, but coming around.

good thing he's not a nosy person, and he HATES reading. I have this petition for divorce document sitting right here, and he nicely stacked it, and I am sure he did not so much as read one word on the page. I know him rather well.

or is he trying to psyche me out?? could he really be THAT OBLIVIOUS!! I have discovered what a sneaky little man he can be some of the time; I REALLY shouldn't trust this...it is creepin' me out for sure! I don't know WHAT'S going on in that brain of his. It's FREAKY! Does he just have an agenda and trying to survive the best way he knows how? I wish I knew...

AGHk! WHY, oh WHY do people get married?? Ya might as well go lock yourself up in a mental institution, before thinkin' about walkin' down that isle, i tell ya, or in my case, standin' by the tree in my mom's front yard... whatever. as lovely of an occasion as it might be...
signin' a contract with the unknown! Forever ambiguous, forever tied to another messed up soul until you die or can't take it anymore! whichever is less unpleasant.

Ha ha ha ha har dee haw ho ho ho...resigning to my fate...i'll be in 11B, your happy go lucky neighbor in the psych ward, gone to lunch forever with no plans to return...

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