Friday, August 04, 2006

Not a rebel; just a FREAK!

You know, I've had two people (maybe more if I think about it long enough) say they view me as having been a rebel...

FUNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I've never been a rebel type! I always WISHED there were a few CLEAR RULES I could actually follow and be in the green! Ha!! in my upbringing, rules got changed constantly and there were no consistent rules. you have to be on the jump constantly investigating exactly what move to make.

I always wanted to please everyone, but there was no way to do that! It would have been akin to being a Buddhist, a Christian, and a Satanist, all at the same time, trying to be consistent with all of the above! well, that is IMPOSSIBLE!! As you all know... Well I just sort of split and had different parts of me arise depending on the context, FREAKY, and yet it isn't to the degree that i actually have multiple personality disorder or anything, just that I am aware that I have to behave differently in different contexts, and it sort of damaged me to have to do that.

so I really am breaking my own rule (but trying to follow the intent of the rules) by making another post today. But I need to vent, and I do not want to be TOO rules-obsessed, just conservative about breaking rules and generally, I want to follow them.

You know how Jesus said that keeping the Sabbath was for OUR sake's, to rejuvenate us and allow us to be refreshed to face the week, not that it is such a SIN to ignore it...Rules all have a purpose, and more importantly than following that rule is to understand and keep the purpose.
If something more pressing is happening to warrant breaking the rules, by all means! The rules are there to HELP us, not hinder us. The point of rules is to increase simplicity and have general guidelines, reducing the need for intense analysis and scrutiny (allowing one to rest their mind at ease knowing the bases are covered, everything is okay by following several key rules of thumb). But sometimes they need to be modified in special circumstances anyway! So they are not always good enough, to just be aware of a few key rules...

So because I have broken a couple of rules, I am having to DEEPLY scrutinize exactly how to handle such a situation as this...I AM overwhelmed...if I would have just FOLLOWED THE RULES, yes, my life would have been easier...I would have been able to rest my mind at ease and not have to answer some of the hard questions. I feel pressured. People see my weak spots, having a hard time turning someone away who has a need. That is easily manipulated, and I tend to give the benefit of the doubt, so afraid of hurting someone.

Well it's me I've hurt! I'm the one I should more carefully watch for! People will just walk all over you if you let them...why is that? maybe as a habit, without understanding the consequences? I believe that is probably the rule. How many people wake up and say to themselves, "Who can I take advantage of today...hmm, let's see..." ok so it's just survival and not deliberate abuse...often. Any opinions on that?

I had a "friend" say to me, "I like it how you defended yourself (something I'm not used to always doing), because, I'd walk all over you if you let me."

What??!! What is that! I hate human nature! Can I be cleansed from being a part of it? I don't want to share traits with others with the filthy thing called "human nature".

Yuck. It REPULSES me. I want to go off to some retreat and fully cleanse myself and forever adopt a better way of living, separating out the past from the future... never to look back! taught a nice set of consistent standards to live by: the quick and dirty version, and a little at a time learning the more complex reasoning, exceptions, etc.

okay i have to go. see you all later!!


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