Wednesday, August 23, 2006

the only way I see

I know most people will probably disagree with this, but I'm not in most situations, either...HAVE to be creative...

I feel that the only way that I could manage my situation would include supporting my family in different residences until that day when possibly he really could be independent, but until then I have an obligation to take care of him because I truly believe that he couldn't make it on his own at this point...
so, basically, that's me paying for two households...yikes. because I know how things affect children when a parent is not okay, and I can't have that to the extent that I can control it. THAT is why, my dear blog-buddies, I am still not getting anywhere, it would almost take winning the lottery to get started! And then I'd STILL be a slave for a long time before things were under control. but now? I'm really having a hard time keeping my head above water, so we are NOT getting anywhere, true, and then...could I keep that up my whole life? OH I had no idea what this all entailed. my getting pregnant during school...no IDEA how that moment's hesitation, biting my lip, and agreeing to one second of condomless sex would do to my life! NO IDEA, but I'm not stupid and I knew better...I just thought there was NO way I could get pregnant, with the risk I agreed to, one second of condomless sex with no ejaculation, during a time I was technically not supposed to be fertile because I was ten days from the time I estimated was my "ovulation" time..I thought I was so good! I had the nerve to say to myself "I'm SO GOOD at birth control" I knew when I was ovulating, etc... but NOT THIS TIME! I ovulated EARLY and learned about his family history of increased sperm life. Great. That jerk, he promised just for a second and then he immediately came inside me! He really changed my life. He gave me the most beautiful girl, and what's NOT so great is we are stuck for life together when we were never meant to be. that- ooh. I can't say.

so I'm torn. If I were super rich spoiled then I would manage the two households and keep my head above water, with the increased morale of freedom and liberty to do what I need to do. Why'd I have to know what I know and then do what I did? No way to make that one seem right.

I understand why people stay together for the sake of the kids. Of course! it IS true, what better reason? It really DOES screw up a kid to be so torn, there is no way around that...no easy answers, no justifications, no way to just move on as if nothing happened because it is a BIG DEAL, a REALLY big deal. And I admire people who plug away even though they are miserable! It's a hard way to live.

I feel for you. I AM you...I have thirteen more years to go unless I become wealthier sooner...

i don't see it ever being simple. i want out though, i still know that.

3 Comments:

Blogger Hepzibah Q. Hezekiah said...

You are not helping him, you are enabling him. Why do you feel so responsible for him? If the situation were reversed, do you really think he would do the same for you? Honestly and truly, deep in your heart? How is he ever going to truly learn accountability, if he's never held accountable for his actions? Don't you think your child is torn NOW because she sees her parents fighting all the time, and her mother so worn down, frustrated, trapped and emotionally beaten? Is this what you want her to think marriage is? Yes, I realize that you want her to see that marriage is forever, but do you want her to see it as a trap? Call me this weekend girlie, we need to talk. Hugs!

10:01 PM  
Blogger Hoping4more said...

love you Hepzi!

well i grew up with a parent that was manipulative and it worries me for my girl's sake, thinking he will be (see i need to get over that) yes, I cannot control what he does with her (manipulate, etc...), too true,
oh!
what would I give to be single again....and still have my happy, healthy, wonderful girl...

6:41 AM  
Blogger Hoping4more said...

Just for the record, updating august 26...with ME breaking down and HIM now working, very good points! Exactly WHO DO I THINK I AM, anyway?? ha, that is super arrogant and I don't wanna be that way.. DORK!! (I mean that to myself with love, ha ha)
that is a relief, though, you know? HE will be okay, and everything will be okay! I am SO HAPPY about that insight. and I'M not going to enable a way around success, why would I want to do that? SO STUPID and SO INCONSISTENT with all that I believe in, ha ha!!

Growing up is HARD TO DO, especially when you're OLD, ha ha. older than ya "should be" technically, to get those messages, but who's to say when that should happen anyway?

no worries.....
it will all be okay, regardless...

10:01 AM  

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