Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Random Stream of Thoughts

I love him (husband) as my friend...what a way to tear apart a perfectly good friendship!! Getting married...having kid(s)...why do we DO such things? I only want the best for him, and it turns out it just isn't me as his wife! I wish it could be peaceable...I wish we could get along... I am REALLY NOT trying to hurt him. Why do I feel sick about it in the pit of my stomach?

I love boca burgers...they are DE-licious. MMMmmm! okay I gotta eat, even though I am sick "in the pit of my stomach"...

I really want to be the best mother and ex-wife I can be...of all the roles in life to play, how odd to list "ex-wife". No one wants an ex-wife! but under the circumstances, well, we just need to get along anyway!

HOT! I had to turn the AC a little bit down, hate to use electricity...but LOVE the AC too.

SAD! I feel sad underneath it all, this happy face of mine...but underneath THAT even I know I am truly happy, strangely.

just need to work through this all! it's a long haul, but its got a happy ending...

Religion: I think this is an interesting subject-I feel there is no need to have to try to prove God; what is true will prove itself. He doesn't need us to concoct a way to make Him appear possible. The truth always comes out in the end and true faith does not fear what may happen. I admit I have been confused with defining the terms, etc... I feel there is definitely a battle going on, the battle of good and evil if you will. Presentation can tilt an issue one way or another, but true scrutiny makes the real issues come to light. I believe the Holy Spirit is what makes any true communication possible! Some people call it the "glue" that holds us all together. I believe an atheist "friend" of mine said that once. Define the terms how you like; it really more important what they mean to you in your heart because that is what determines your salvation in the end.

I have been a terrible wife. I don't know how to make that right at this point. It seems it is excessively complicated at this point to even THINK of that now. I feel enslaved in a trap that God only knows how I can be freed from. I can just be honest with myself and live life the way I know how from here. Everything has a price.

Jesus said, "Freely give, as freely you have received." He spoke of healing, etc. but also

"A just weight and an accurate measurement the Lord loveth." I really need to keep track of book, verse...I'm bad about that.

I need to understand how to justify many of the ways we think and do business, with biblical principles. I haven't connected all those dots yet for sure. Really, I believe there is an answer hidden that pertains to most any issue we face, but carefully we must first discern it. It is a paradox of self-limiting meanings.

you know, "It's all been done before" from Ecclesiastes, "There is no new thing under the sun."

I don't want to profit off of another person's pain or hardship. I don't like the "rat race." Sometimes so many things just do not make sense to me, and I don't know how so many of us can keep going with this faulty deceived notion that succeeding at others' expense really gets us anywhere!! I am tired of that mentality. I believe in individual accountability, but I am not that individualistic. Most accomplishments take team efforts. I define "accomplishments" differently, too, because there has to be a real, concrete measurement and not something that is defined in terms of something else! Like money! What can be DONE with the money, there is the measurement...

People's growth, maturity, principles, happiness, peace, and fulfillment of goals...there are so many ways to measure on an individual basis...but to sacrifice a principle to gain something that in and of itself means nothing? Well I can't see the point! I want to be a part of something real! I cannot be satisfied by the pretense of big gains without the understanding of how what is being done to receive those big gains really makes a difference? I am having a hard time really expressing this, I am sure it sounds ridiculous.

My heart is aching for the real chance to make a positive difference that I can FEEL, perceive, taste, understand, see, be a part of! be competent at!

Live how I believe...I don't want to be all screwed up anymore, living in one context one way, one another, etc...gotta make a whole person outa me! I know there is a time and a place for every season under heaven...I understand that is what being appropriate means...but also, I want to be real! I am not interested in false pretense forever! I'd rather risk it than survive. And I don't have a death wish! I just have a "live" wish! Don't want to meander around half-dead for the rest of my life, I want to truly LIVE while I am here! What's wrong with that?

As my grandpa would always say, "Don't rock the boat." Well, why? I don't understand! I am not trying to throw people offboard, but these people are standing around half dead and a little water splashed in their faces might liven them up a bit...ok... i understand the point in general, but i have seen the fake pretenses hiding a beautiful, wonderful, genuine self and I don't understand why! Why can't each person be who they are? Why does everyone have to "fake it"? Who are we all trying to impress exactly? I wish I knew...I'm still just trying to survive and I don't have any particular love of chaos but one of these days! I want to see the real smiles, real smirks, whatever is real, that is what I want to see...


Blogger SuperMom said...

hhhmmmmm........... i'm trying to figure you out a bit, but its sorta like coming into a room when the conversation has been going on for quite a while. i'll send you my email addy so you can catch me up on your situation.

one thing i do know...........i love your honesty! refreshingly captivating. you gotta keep that one thru all this change. lemme read up on your blog ( which i think i missed out on other blogs of yours ) and try to be more informed.

...........hubby of supermom

11:04 PM  
Blogger Andrew said...

Thank you so much for visiting "To Love, Honor and Dismay" and for leaving such a nice comment.

4:09 AM  
Blogger Hoping4more said...

thank you andrew!
hey ...supermom, here is my email:

i guess i thought it was available through the site.

6:27 AM  
Blogger Hoping4more said...

hubby of supermom: i emailed you but it looks like i copied it down wrong and the mail came back to me. oops! maybe you can drop me a line and I will reply to it. thank you!

12:06 PM  
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11:29 PM  

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