Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Reconnecting with ole' friends

This is good. Lately I've been reconnecting with ole' friends from "back in the day". It's been pretty fun. Indulgin' in a little bit of good old nostalgia...awe, fun, and sad, all at the same time.

I don't know why this sadness and desperation won't leave me though- I'm so torn! I really want companionship in my life...I don't know how to make anything right. I don't want to be unduly selfish, above following principles I believe in.

I just really wish I could come home to a friend and lover, companion, who knew me and still loved me, instead of what I do in real life.

I like to dream, but there is a point where it is almost unbearable, and I want real things to happen in my real life. But the price is too great. I have responsibilities. I have obligations. youthful indescretions really can cost a person a life's freedom, slavery forever, it feels like....

okay, so it is good that i am enjoying talking with ole' friends, but bad that I remember how good it felt to be free, and now it is not that way. there is always something though, might as well be this? I don't know.

If I were unmarried I would have that same dilemna, morally to not have sex because I am not married. But I would have that lovely freedom of mind to think about the possibilities! And I would be able to be honest with myself and others. Now I feel trapped and cannot say what I really feel. I am not allowed to be open and honest.

I miss that! I really want to live a free, full, life. It seems like it got cut short, but no one gets it perfect no matter what.

I wish I could have it all: Having the honor and respect of being pure, innocent, free, and yet, enjoying sex with a partner I can relate to. I guess I underestimated how much that mattered to me. I had a ridiculous notion that i had a duty to sacrifice myself for the wishes of others.

Not that there is anything wrong with that, but...there IS something messed up about it in my case.

Okay back to reconnecting with old buddies...awe, memories....


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