Friday, August 04, 2006

Third Post's a Charm.

breaking the rule (one post a day) again, TOO BAD!!! I made the rule myself, and it is really just a GUIDELINE, so I guess if I decide it is appropriate to break it, more power to me, huh!!

Ok, i need a vote of some sort: so my husband cannot accept that there is something going on negatively in our "marriage", and is not facing it....he has said we should do something for our anniversary. guess what we did? we all three went to the movies, and he decides he wants to watch another movie that is not kid-appropriate while the two of us (me and little one) watch the new Barnyard movie (pretty funny). I don't argue, I mean, it wasn't MY idea for us to do something special for our anniversary, with the big "D" in our future, what's the point? Well I just thought I'd let him have his way of what he wanted to do tonight.

It is no surprise to me, though. Can he be that oblivious? Would anyone you know try to take someone out to celebrate an anniversary and not even spend it with that person? I'm just trying to understand, I'm not complainin'. I was just giving him a shot. To see if I'm just crazy and he really is this super-husband he has been pretending to be. But he seems to have almost zero ability to experience genuine empathy. THAT is disturbing to me; I never know WHAT to expect from him...tell me, is it normal for a husband to ask a wife to go out for their annivesary, to do something special, and then not actually do something with the family? He said that movie might make him bored. Ok? well, so take a four year old to Miami Vice? well of course not, he understands that we cannot go in there with him. whatever...

but I had fun and preferred to actually go with her, and not him, because spending "family time" together just feels plain wierd to me anyway in light of everything. I like to keep it separated, especially since any normal expectation of mine in a marriage has more than fallen to the wayside, completely ignored. I don't know WHAT to expect. But I don't want to do this anymore. I just don't know how to be the most humane in this situation.

I feel like the functional part of me is shut down with him not understanding the boundaries I am setting around myself. It is mind-boggling. I don't understand how he makes everything right in his head. What drives this man? This father of my child, so complicated, can't just tune him out. He determines a lot of how well-adjusted my child is and will be. I have a lot at steak with him. How can I manage that?

How can someone respond to a difficult yet calm discussion of separation by bringing home chocolates with a smile, and truly believe everything is okay and that somehow has addressed the problem? Twilight Zone!! Looney Tunes, I'm on my way! This is making me crazy. I have to deal with this man forever! Why can't he just cooperate!!!!!! He is a big royal pain in my ass!

I can't escape! he is right there, with a goofy grin when it is serious, or with a pissed off juvenile expression when there is ABSOLUTELY no reason to be upset!!! Damn! This is serious. I can't take it anymore!

His mother taught him well: deny deny deny!! and hopefully reality will eventually stop knocking at your door...negate the truth, disaffirm the facts others near you are observing, try to make as many people crazy in the process so it is EASIER TO BELIEVE THE LIES!!! It is the ONLY way, and it helps if you repeat the same sentence over and over again with big crazy eyes. And family will always be there for you, it is one big happy cult! I mean family!

YUCK! I am SCARED! These are people that are very important to my daughter's wellbeing! I am creeped out beyond measure, buy why bother? The majority of the human race is right there anyway, what's the difference? THESE particular ones threaten MY sanity, and I need to be there for my DAUGHTER. SO YES, it is personal!!!!

How dare these people bombard my life in this way and take over! They have done nothing but violate boundaries from the start. Prioritizing their family and their family "traditions" over any other family unit's desires, cultishly taking where any bit of vulnerability or hesitation resided. They are bossy, controlling, manipulative, vindictive, paranoid, gossipy, lying, conniving, moody, emotional, drama queen, matriarchal, backstabbing, hurtful, sneaky, pushy, fake, and absolutely wonderful to you to your face, people.

They're not interested in TRUTH, they're interested in eating you for lunch if you get in their way. Maybe they don't mean to, maybe they're just surviving. Maybe it only hurts when you are stupid enough to actually have TRUSTED them. But I DID. And here I am now... creepy clan of girly fakes, with fake boobs and fake voices, and fake niceness to go with it.

Fake, fake, fake! (nothing against their fake boobs; it's their fake niceness I resent, really.)

Fake husband. Fake emotions. Fake love. Fake empathy. Fake marriage. Fake life together, fake sense of security, fake everything! How does it pass for real? When you're not looking directly at it, and you are busy with other things, it is hard to tell. Just don't stand still. When things are calm, it is easy to recognize the fakeness. Creepy! The most alone feeling you can have.

I don't care about good-looking. Charm doesn't impress me. REAL. That's a trait I can deal with; it possible?

Mature, genuine, honest, caring...there are a few good characteristics I'd be looking for in friends, etc., because that's probably all I will ever want to have again. I think I've had my fill of anything beyond friendship, though that's hard to say this early in life I guess. But nothing wrong with having plenty of friends to help ground a person in reality and really living life.

holy shit; i need to recover from everything else. if that is possible...


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