Wednesday, September 27, 2006

What I've Realized...

Hep-Hez, you are too freagin' cute, girl! Really, though...this picture is breath-taking. Seriously... who's more delirious? I had a cup of coffee too, today..and you are right. I tried to save it (our "marriage"), but it was not truly alive in the first place, only a "phantom marriage". But it made me realize how sacred a real one would be! Funny, huh? So really, nothing lost, in all actuality, but my lesson learned is huge.

I've realized, that I want to be married someday! And that it is very, very special and a HUGE deal to think of going down that path (and I'm okay to wait on that). It is not something to take lightly, by any means. But it is something I want to last for the rest of my life. I don't think I could go through this again. It has been mental torture. It has taught me a lot.

I'm almost grown up! (or so I think...) I think I took the long way around, and that is okay. Scenic, lemme tell ya. Boy, pray God will help Mr. Cute Hot Sexy to know what the heck he thinks he's getting into!! Ha, ha. I'm surprised he remains so sure. But I still question that, and hope to have more clarity brought to this picture. I still have my boundaries up, as so I should.

Monday, September 25, 2006

I fell in love...

Ha ha...this is funny. Today at the bank, I fell in love...with a picture of a happy family! It was so beautiful, made a person believe it is possible...these days, a mother, a father and a child. The couple and child, all three, looked so very happy. I stole that page out of the magazine (SHAME ON ME!!!) It was so beautiful. I may frame it; it's just that good. It was advertizing a real estate company, of course... and mortgage lenders, but it's all good!

Oh...the dreams a person can have...contentedness, peace, joy, comfort, all on the faces of a family bonded together in love (or so they fake it really well)! So gorgeous, beautiful, what dreams are made of. *gasp* *sigh* *swoon* *tear up*

ha ha ha. Oh, my heart is in a bad place, not hard, but with a precarious disposition.

I am sad for the state of families in America today. I am sad for our inability to trust the most sacred bonds that should exist barring each person's personal relationship with God. I am sad that mistakes are exaserbated instead of dealt with, and inflamed instead of calmed down, to make injury to the family unit a hundred times more pointed than by itself.

My heart breaks that my situation is the norm and NOT the exception... It shouldn't be this way. I wish I didn't perpetuate this crisis of family destruction. That's worse than murder.

Murder of the institute that teaches youth the way to live, values, principles... murder of the ability to have a tender heart that trusts, murder of that long-lasting love you can bank on when the world is cold and alien, murder of the warmth and comfort of home, murder of a way of life that I wish I could embrace! wholeheartedly...

and I killed it. I stupidly, erroneously, killed it... by undervaluing it in the first place, acting foolishly and impulsively, trapping us both, then cutting us free from the "web"...sticky, gooey grey codependency... and now that my heart is being "freed" from this web, I feel the icy cold of reality blowing on my bare naked heart, and it hurts tremendously.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

It didn't go well...

There is powerful attraction between us, but it is not right!! How frustrating...Mr. Cute Hot Sexy Guy claims he is sure he knows he wants to marry me, and will wait. What is up with that??!! Oh My Goodness. I am overwhelmed because I am not so sure!! I feel all wrong, dizzy, sick, attracted but deceived! Lust, or whatever this is, is intoxicating.

I can be such a silly freagin' goofball...and HOW do I end up like this???? I REALLY want to know...not that it isn't flattering and wonderful for a nice man like Mr. Cute Hot Sexy to think that about me, but...premature, don't ya think?? How COULD someone think that way? I really don't get it; I'm TRYING to figure it out.

UGH! (Ha, Charlie Brown...) I DO want someone to think that about me!! ONE person, SOMEDAY, and forever! But THAT doesn't look like one of my choices, now, does it?? What goes on in the inner minds of men? HOW can I possibly fathom this journey: HOW TO be in love with one person, and that person in love with you, for a lifetime??

Is it possible? Just curious. But OH NO!!! Life keeps throwin' ya curveballs...figure this one out, and what about that, but NOT the thing that would seem SIMPLE and desireable! NO, COULDN'T be that easy!!! of course! we must really struggle through life to figure out the deeper meanings! Ask the hard questions; get the hard answers... guess that's life.

And BOY did I ask the tough questions.... apPARENTLY, that is...

I want my husband to be okay!!!!! Is THAT too much to ask?? I don't understand this; does his wellbeing = my downfall? Can he be trusted, ever?? I am not sure! I just wish he was okay! and I KNOW he's not, right now at least, and I feel SICK about it. I sometimes WISH I had never met him (LOOK where it's gotten us?), but also feel heartbreak on his behalf.

Can I make this right, ever? Oh I wish I could, somehow! Somehow, bring peace, mercy, justice to the situation with love... and settle matters rightly... I don't want anyone hurting unduly. I have no bitterness that lasts...I feel sad for him, and his family, and I know they've been through hard times and haven't known a better way to live. I'm sick about it.

He (husband) and I COULD have been friends...if we'd kept ourselves from having sex! It just messed up the whole thing, dang it, and I'm so sad it removed the legitimacy for friendship, that was never meant to be more. We are just not RIGHT for each other, and then got attached!

That is why I do not want to base a future relationship on attraction, such as with Mr. Cute Hot Sexy Guy, because that shit doesn't last, sistah! It is not the foundation of a healthy marriage. I know this. I've BEEN THERE. It shouldn't be that difficult...I know better.

Ugh. But with depression (clinically, I'm there...) that is one "upper" that is hard to resist. But resist I shall. And I'll take my medicine and call it a day...even though I'm feeling like total shit! It is the only way (but of course...)

"When in Rome..." I'm in Abstainville, so there you have it.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Husband Look-Alike...

I have to tell Mr. New Hot Cute guy, that, oops, there cannot be a future with us...and what's freaky?? I realized how much he reminds me of who I'm trying to get over!! CRAP, that's almost worse than someone dating someone for awhile, and realizing they look JUST like a parent! JUST LIKE! (Anyone watch that episode of Frazier? Pretty funny...)

I just cried this morning, thinking about it....no, I've never really mourned the loss of my marriage, and that crazy wild love I used to have for this man I'm divorcing. It is very painful. The marriage has been dead for a long time, a year at least, I'd say, but...the memories linger on. The memories of how crazy in love I was at one time with this person, the delusion of who I thought he was, the lack of discernment for my own safety and lack of wisdom in decision-making. And we are both alive, going about our business separately...and the death of our union must be mourned because inded it is a traumatic event.

Still bottled up somewhat, but spouting a little out over the top regularly! OH my, there IS life after divorce, but the steps to get there are wrought with pain and difficulty!!

Worth every one though.... Freedom and a new life. Things will be better; I just know it.
Thank goodness for all the blessings in life....I'm truly blessed.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

In My Father's House

I love my father and his rules! They are savin' my holy rearend... Thank you, thank you!! Things are getting better. I just never thought....
wow...
I love my Pops...Good man, he is. :)

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Masterbation, etc.

Lovely topic; don't ya think?? WELL, for anyone wondering...I am not so sure which category of sexuality I fit more accurately into, males or females...after reading The Marriage Bed regarding men's and women's sexuality, parts of both rang true to me.

according to the strictly female version, if I were to masterbate or engage in any other form of sexuality, it would only INCREASE my desire. For long periods of time during my marriage, I have had low sex drive, but that may be because of not having the legitimate option of honestly responding to what I thought was sexy. I do not inherently have a low sex drive but quite the opposite actually. (ON to my point...) There were times that the women's sex drive as described in the marriage bed (I will add link later) more closely described mine, than the men's. I was able to get it down close to zero there for a few weeks. BUT then as soon as Mr. HOT sexy Cool is around...there is a problem. SO...don't know if it is because I haven't HAD any in so long?? (because that more closely describes the men's sex drive) or what.

Don't know. But I DO know that I SURE as heck don't want to get "caught" at my age, living in my parent's home. THAT would be TOO WIERD. And I'm exhausted anyway. It does help some, when I can get private and discreet enough, away from everyone, but... the thing is, it temporarily relieves the desire but then the overall desire level goes up, so that is still very frustrating! I hate the position I am in, I HATE IT so much! ha ha (maybe don't read that with as much emphasis as it looks...if you could hear my voice saying it, it probably wouldn't sound quite as scary, ha.

Oh Jeez...miscommunication is my middle name. My girl's is: Messmaker. The two of us together will wear you out! That is the way it is for now. tee hee.

I want to get a locked apt. in a safe area in a couple months, so I can feel safe and secure AND free, relatively. I just feel freaked out because of my lawless "in-laws". Criminals to the n'th degree!! I don't want that mafia cult stealing my little girl and bringing her up in their druggie cultish paranoid dramaqueen freakshow matriarchy of twisted sisters!

just havin' a little fun with the words there... wish they were all fun AND fiction...not quite that lucky. these girls focus great attention to their looks, with boob jobs and glitter, makeup and hair, clothes, etc, constantly fussing about their looks, and if anyone pays attention to them then that person is definitely a pervert and CAN'T be trusted. They are wierd, sick, ridiculous to me. always setting people up for failure and seducing, using, throwing away people...in their minds "outside people" are disposable and do not have real feelings, only they do.

but they are very friendly! and you would NEVER know how they actually felt about people unless you became one of them...like I did. SICK I tell ya... I'm still retraining my brain as though I really have come out of an actual cult. It is difficult and scary. freaky, and hurtful because no one likes to be exposed and that is what I'm doing to them. I had no intention of hurting them. Unfortunately, they DID have intention of hurting me and I was just too stupid to see it until I'm married into the family with child. SCARY lemme tell ya.

I don't want them ruining my child's life! Over my dead body...they just said, "okay then over your dead body; we can make that happen." and it wouldn't surprise me if the whole thing was planned by the entire family because they weren't the least bit surprised when supposedly they had FIRST heard of it; they were actually prepared with rebuttal quite calmly. WHEN SOMEONE TIES YOU UP AND DRAGS YOU AROUND THE HOUSE GIVING YOU RUGBURN ON YOUR BREASTS AS YOUR SHIRT CRAWLS UP, is there not reason to suspect there may be something WRONG with this picture???? HELLO! what is wrong with this situation? SICK I tell you! and intention of kidnapping? He may have thought I would not be able to get to a phone and with the door locked up, perhaps could have conveniently died in there before anyone knew, and then he could give her (our girl) to his sister to adopt like she always wanted. I wish I knew. I don't actually know what is all going on in their heads, but it is scary to see the results of it, from out here.

She still tells me that Daddy told her, "I wish I would have given you up a long time ago" and another time he said to her (according to her) "I should have gotten rid of you a long time ago."

These people are dangerous. And this "big sis" of his has broken up marriages, befriending the husband and undermining the wife, more than once that I'm aware of, who knows how many times total. That is what she knows. instilling paranoia and taking control, gradually until the balance is shifted entirely where she goes in for the kill. creating the reality that supposedly proves she was always right in the first place. So she can go on and feel like she did the right thing and she is only helping out. Glitter boob princess, go somewhere else!

I'm sick of fakey nice pretty girls. YUCK. SCARY. BOLONEY.

I deviated this far from masterbation? See, I'm too stressed to devote much time and effort to sexuality, right now. It is too tense in my world, at this time, to really relax and focus on that stuff. oh well! It is not always a problem, just some of the time...eventually it will have to be addressed but there are too many eyeballs on me right now to relax.

I can't wait for that to change.
*sigh*

Monday, September 18, 2006

I love him; I'm scared of him....

I'm too stressed to think straight. I don't feel comfortable completely, in my father's house, EVEN THOUGH HE IS A REALLY GOOD MAN (my father). "Honor thy father and thy mother." It feels like a choice, one or the other, to me. I don't like that. I don't want that for her (little one), with me and mr. soon to be ex. I will always hold him in high esteem for her sake. I say that, but I don't want him to hurt her and I don't feel she is safe with him mentally, emotionally, or physically (abuse emotionally and mentally, and neglect physically-eating, etc.).

This new guy: how can he win? I wanted a hug today, but because of all the 'RULES' and now he is on pins and needles too....he felt more anxious AFTER hugging me, and I am worse than before too!!! WHERE do you go for comfort? He is a really good guy, but this is too much, I don't know how he is able to put up with it, and still willing to pursue a possible future with me. I am amazed. this is so beyond ridiculous. I am SURE there has to be another, safe, arena to seek comfort??? I am so in need of comfort!!! Poor Mr. New Hot Nice Guy... I am not yet in condition to be a wife to anyone with what is going on in my head, and yet I still seek comfort, and from him, how can he win? I'M the one who put a stop to it last time, because I became too sexually aroused and it was frustrating not to be able to do anything about it. So NOW he is all careful and not wanting to frustrate me, but I'm just wanting a hug for comfort today!! So how can he win? Never knowing how to do what is best? He really IS a good man for trying so hard with me, being a confusing, complicated woman!

last time, a hug aroused me...THIS time, it would only comfort me (well, with family all around! it helps put a stop to that for me!) So HE is probably thinking, MAKE UP YOUR MIND!

I'm angry....angry at people, that I don't know if I have a right to be angry at...angry at my father for imposing all these "rules" on me, for asking all these personal questions, and for being so black-and-white about it even though I do appreciate clarity! I just feel all twisted and tied up, and wish choices didn't have to be so aweful! I wish I didn't feel like I was in prison! [The prison, is it only in my own mind? or am I still trying to please people who contradict each other, so I can't win!? what about ME! I don't know that one.]

yet I still do not feel ready to take it all on, on my own, either; WHY is it such an extreme choice? Can I not learn, a little at a time? I feel so strained. why do I give in to others? what do I want for myself? I don't feel right.

I feel like a big fat disappointment. I am glad I am out of the prison of my marriage...but...can I learn and not fall back on the bad pattern I had developed? STOP LUSTING!!! And now that I am not lusting...I am so so so depressed! so there is the core of it. I guess. I lusted after my husband back in the day. I should have LEFT HIM ALONE!!! I didn't know WHAT I was getting into, playing with fire, for sure! I didn't know what was going on in his head! strong silent type, yikes! I am over that type now. I want to know what is in your head!!

i want to know intentions, weaknesses, strong points, goals... okay... well, NOW I know a few things that I WANT TO KNOW. At least I can apply them when it counts! I will be dating, and I will remarry. I know this; I'm meant for it (even as bad as marriage sucks) ha ha. I'm ALL for "pre-nup"s...you know why? save fighting later: these couples who clarify and specify have covered those bases and are better equipped to be happy with their spouses, knowing what they care about.

why lie? Everything will come out in the end, anyway, shoot! When you marry someone all you do is keep learning more and more about them, and it is NOT a time to advertize falsely, there is no way around the truth coming out!!! and if there is then what kind of a marriage is that? I don't see any benefit to lying to your future potential spouse! None at all!!!

I know one thing: stuff that happens, NOW will stay between the two, not with family involvment. PRIVACY, very important. and even blogging! In my silly little brain, I would be more comfortable sharing with my spouse than the blog anyway, so I will not need these so much if I had a spouse that I could share my life with.

I am so scared of what has all happened already, in my life, but I am willing and ready to keep stuff private, knowing FIRSTHAND how freaky it is to aire out all this personal private stuff even with the family you love and care about. It is just wrong, called "triangulation" and a detriment to marriage no matter how good it is. (ignore my case).

yuck. with my husband, the first thing he said after tying my all up completely, was "Who's in control now?" etc. and he went on to say "how does it feel now" etc, because he felt so powerless in the marriage, how sad. I didn't want all that responsibility and I would gladly give some of it away to him...He didn't take care of things though, and what was allotted for him to be in charge of just went to heck usually, didn't get done at all. and I was left scrambling yet again to figure out what to do about it.

so what is really very sad is what he wanted i didn't even want in the first place. it's all that power and control that I wished I could give up but no one being responsible for it...and he wanted some and didn't know what to do with it. it is so sad and I wish it were different. but under best circumstances the truth is, we just weren't good matches anyway.

my heart breaks for him. I feel so bad that it came to this, and hate that it happened this way. the irony is that the physical things he did to me were not painful compared to the mental and emotional abuse/neglect all that time (most of our relationship). He was always degrading me...because he could not feel good about himself. It kills me that a man with his skills does not realize his value, and that he is able to continually think bad thoughts about himself when he is inherently valuable...but it wasn't my place to try to convince him of that. he needed to learn that from some other source. it was just a tragic union of two stupid young idiots.

he really freaks me out because I have mixed feelings...

i know that my problems are within myself, fearing men, but yet wanting closeness with someone. It is scary to get that close and not know if you can trust someone. I don't even have that comfortable trust with my dad! I can't force that trust. I wish I could safely transfer the trust to my "fill in father figure" and it be perfectly legitimate to exclude everyone else so I can make that leap into being able to trust a man at all who will not tell anything about me that would hurt me, to others, and then I could move on one day to marry someone.

does that sound pretty freaky or what? ha... the one guy that I feel is like a father figure but he's not, I guess that is kind a wierd to some people? I trust him so far, and I think I could trust him to play that role as wierd as it is for a girl my age. nothin' wierd happenin' here, just a good man who can be trusted, to my knowledge.

okay i'll go now...

Friday, September 15, 2006

Ice Queen, Man-eater

The alter ego to my excessive tolerance to manly indescretions.... ha ha ha. I am NOT wanting to become an ice queen, NO! BUT I do need to cut the bullshit and stop giving into my weakness for thinking I'm HELPING someone, and it turning into romance, bullshit! Ha ha ha. That is just brainless nonsense and it's got to stop.

I DO highly respect women, and perhaps, until my recent flirtations with this undisclosed party, I had never indulged in fantasy or ANYTHING with a married man or a man dating someone. Because of my deep respect for women, and a sense of sisterhood. I love women. But women suck sometimes too. All of us do, we all make mistakes. As I do. I have to give it up, let it go.

Thank goodness for many miles between people, that's all I have to say on that one. And this new guy...HOT. But who cares? There are a ton of hot guys, and that doesn't do it for me. It really isn't enough, or EVEN necessary. And WHAT am I doing ANYWAY, thinking about relationships RIGHT NOW??? That's just ridiculous, and I know it. I'm so silly. I'm boy-crazy, I guess you could say. I'm also happy to be sociable legitimately because I sort of feel like I crawled out of a cave and need to get out a bit.

I'm also really pissed, underneath it all, because I didn't realize I have legitimate reasons to have high self-esteem, and the option of saying no BECAUSE IT'S NOT GOOD FOR ME, not just because it's not good for the other. I have never "competed" for a guy. I am always happy and relieved when he finds someone else, or another girl "competes" with me, as the case may be. I am not looking to pursue a man. No thank you. BUT I do appreciate friendships, and of course there is an aptitude within me that craves a solid relationship someday, as it is right for both parties mutually and simultaneously. Other than that, no thank you. NO THANK YOU NO THANK YOU NO THANK YOU!!!

guess I have a few issues to deal with first, ha ha, and I don't want to take anything out on mr. new guy, what belongs somewhere else and must be dealt with first. I'm waiting. I just have a spot there, ready for a relationship, someday. That's all.

It's pissed off too, that "spot". It needs a rest first obviously, but yet the friendships need to build for other benefits. I am sort of afraid I may break mr. new guy's heart. He told me, "There's my heart, right on my sleeve...don't break it." I was thinkin' "SHIT, already??" We're cool, though. We'll be okay even if we do not end up together. We're becoming friends.

I love him...See? That's where my own heart betrays me. We are not ready for this. This is crazy and stupid and very poor timing. I'm just too vulnerable, and he is too, so oops!!!

so what to do... aren't we all supposed to "love one another"? THAT is why this thing gets SO confusing...(just not in THAT way, LOL>)
I guess my dad is right. Just need to stay away from ALL men, altogether, and not talk to strangers. Ha. It will all be okay and I just need to stick to the strict rules I'm living with right now. I literally cannot be alone with a man, even in public, for the time being. I am staying at my dad's now until further notice. Good, because I don't feel safe in my old neighborhood, alone. Buncha creepy people stopped by all the time asking for odd things, and there is a drug house down the street. It's scary, really nerve-wracking. You never know when there may be someone upset, coming off of drugs, right around the corner and KNOWING I'm alone there or with a small child. Creepyville. but it is a cute house and I have a wonderful landlord.

I don't want that kind of attention. PROFESSIONAL attention, the more the merrier (lol, ha ha ha) NOT some of the other kinds, I have received, so I am making a point to present myself as well as possible so as not to elicit that kind of response. No more bikini in my front yard. I only did that a couple times (literally TWO and for less than an hour, each), when NO ONE was apparently around, and I had guys knocking on my door BOTH times late those nights. What were they, peeping out their windows? Shouldn't they have been at work? I'm not interested.

That is just totally creepy. I wish I had access to the sun where no one else could see me. It would be nice to feel private, and have a sense of security with a measure of freedom too.

CRAP, why does it always have to be such a tough choice between safety with complete boredom, or danger and liberty? Can a girl be free AND safe? I don't like this.

"I'm just a girl in the world...." ha ha ha .....

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Quick Update...

Reeling from all the drama, I am exhausted and seeking refuge now, calm, away...FAR away (I wish).

because I am too worn out to go into great detail at this point on the blog, here is the "skinny" version:

my husband and I have discussed and agreed upon multiple "separation attempts" over the past year, after which each of them he would return or go to where I was, pretending nothing was wrong, and yet, unfulfilling the terms of reconciliation. the question of divorce has so wretched my brain but I truly could not afford securing a lawyer, as I have been the only one financially responsible for the last year and a half, and I have been slowly breaking down more and more. I have feared what may happen with my daughter and husband during visitation because he has been very emotionally and mentally abusive (to me) often during our relationship. but I didn't really think he would harm his daughter, at least intentionally....I was REALLY hoping he would just sign papers with me and make it easy on everyone. I was giving him a REALLY good deal, so why shouldn't he? I didn't want to have to break out the "big guns" with lawyers, etc. I was trying to be as peaceable as possible, and work out solutions that would work for everyone to the extent possible. I was giving generous visitation rights, no child support, and any mutual property he wanted, plus I wasn't touching his stuff he got from his own family worth several thousand, even though we are $60 in debt, and it all falls on me. All the things we own either I bought or my family gave us. He could have it all. I didn't care. I just wanted Nev to be in a calm home with connection to both her parents (who just can't get be married to each other). My father adamently believes in offering the most connection possible to both parents, but I feared he is too much like me (without having my unique perspective now) and did not assess the danger risk accurately with my husband. I myself did not assess it correctly, but I have felt unsafe and knew he didn't properly care for my child, that is enough for me not to want to leave her alone with him...that kept me holding on, partly because, with the support system in place that I have, his visitation rights would be a given. But I did not feel it would be good for her...

a week and a half ago my husband manipulated me into coming over when he had my daughter (I was more concerned for her) by crying uncontrollably on the phone. I was so worried. I went there to check on her and calm him down...as soon as his tears stopped his aggression started, leading up to his tying me up, with the verbalized intent to take my daughter far away, and before he could leave (THANK THE LORD) my family arrived at the door, gut instinct. I had been fervently praying that someone would show up before he could leave with her.

Police reports have been filed, his warrant will be issued; he is hiding out in another state, I have my girl, but no money right now and I have had to protect her from kidnapping attempts (his sister told a bunch of whopping lies to CPS apparently and had them in on an attempt to take her away-which thankfully NOW is all cleared up).

Wow. And that's the SKINNY version.........

oh, and my family is WONDERFUL and helping out IMMENSELY. and I have many amazing friends as well who have been moral support through this whole thing. I have been truly blessed. I am so thankful we are okay, and things will get better. It feels like FINALLY the shackles and chains are being sawed off ...

the police took pics of me that day, they said I'm lucky to be alive, these things usually end up MUCH worse...

things are getting better.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Biblical Law Regarding Marriage/Divorce

Check this out; reading through this made me feel an enormous sense of peace. I've had a copy given to me for quite awhile now, along with dozens of other books on family, marriage, divorce, coping, and such...so I hadn't taken a real peek at it until today, and...HALLELUJAH! This just makes my whole world start to make sense...

There is some calm from that spinning sensation, of having to make sense of things that inherently contradict. Just isn't possible. There IS a way, though, for what is true to be truly understood, and it often involves digging deeper into the meanings of widespread concepts. You cannot just sit there and accept it without a question: God didn't make us that way.

We are meant to quest for more understanding, seek wisdom, and find the answers to our real questions, NOT just accept things others tell us...

Tell me this: do you not know, within yourself, when there is something that is JUST NOT QUITE RIGHT??? It is a mystery, but in there you understand that amongst the ten answers thrown your way, NONE of them really hit it on the nose? Therefore you must go out, seek more, and understand the reasons why...

That is my rant for now. Goodbye! Blessings to all.