Monday, September 18, 2006

I love him; I'm scared of him....

I'm too stressed to think straight. I don't feel comfortable completely, in my father's house, EVEN THOUGH HE IS A REALLY GOOD MAN (my father). "Honor thy father and thy mother." It feels like a choice, one or the other, to me. I don't like that. I don't want that for her (little one), with me and mr. soon to be ex. I will always hold him in high esteem for her sake. I say that, but I don't want him to hurt her and I don't feel she is safe with him mentally, emotionally, or physically (abuse emotionally and mentally, and neglect physically-eating, etc.).

This new guy: how can he win? I wanted a hug today, but because of all the 'RULES' and now he is on pins and needles too....he felt more anxious AFTER hugging me, and I am worse than before too!!! WHERE do you go for comfort? He is a really good guy, but this is too much, I don't know how he is able to put up with it, and still willing to pursue a possible future with me. I am amazed. this is so beyond ridiculous. I am SURE there has to be another, safe, arena to seek comfort??? I am so in need of comfort!!! Poor Mr. New Hot Nice Guy... I am not yet in condition to be a wife to anyone with what is going on in my head, and yet I still seek comfort, and from him, how can he win? I'M the one who put a stop to it last time, because I became too sexually aroused and it was frustrating not to be able to do anything about it. So NOW he is all careful and not wanting to frustrate me, but I'm just wanting a hug for comfort today!! So how can he win? Never knowing how to do what is best? He really IS a good man for trying so hard with me, being a confusing, complicated woman!

last time, a hug aroused me...THIS time, it would only comfort me (well, with family all around! it helps put a stop to that for me!) So HE is probably thinking, MAKE UP YOUR MIND!

I'm angry....angry at people, that I don't know if I have a right to be angry at...angry at my father for imposing all these "rules" on me, for asking all these personal questions, and for being so black-and-white about it even though I do appreciate clarity! I just feel all twisted and tied up, and wish choices didn't have to be so aweful! I wish I didn't feel like I was in prison! [The prison, is it only in my own mind? or am I still trying to please people who contradict each other, so I can't win!? what about ME! I don't know that one.]

yet I still do not feel ready to take it all on, on my own, either; WHY is it such an extreme choice? Can I not learn, a little at a time? I feel so strained. why do I give in to others? what do I want for myself? I don't feel right.

I feel like a big fat disappointment. I am glad I am out of the prison of my marriage...but...can I learn and not fall back on the bad pattern I had developed? STOP LUSTING!!! And now that I am not lusting...I am so so so depressed! so there is the core of it. I guess. I lusted after my husband back in the day. I should have LEFT HIM ALONE!!! I didn't know WHAT I was getting into, playing with fire, for sure! I didn't know what was going on in his head! strong silent type, yikes! I am over that type now. I want to know what is in your head!!

i want to know intentions, weaknesses, strong points, goals... okay... well, NOW I know a few things that I WANT TO KNOW. At least I can apply them when it counts! I will be dating, and I will remarry. I know this; I'm meant for it (even as bad as marriage sucks) ha ha. I'm ALL for "pre-nup" know why? save fighting later: these couples who clarify and specify have covered those bases and are better equipped to be happy with their spouses, knowing what they care about.

why lie? Everything will come out in the end, anyway, shoot! When you marry someone all you do is keep learning more and more about them, and it is NOT a time to advertize falsely, there is no way around the truth coming out!!! and if there is then what kind of a marriage is that? I don't see any benefit to lying to your future potential spouse! None at all!!!

I know one thing: stuff that happens, NOW will stay between the two, not with family involvment. PRIVACY, very important. and even blogging! In my silly little brain, I would be more comfortable sharing with my spouse than the blog anyway, so I will not need these so much if I had a spouse that I could share my life with.

I am so scared of what has all happened already, in my life, but I am willing and ready to keep stuff private, knowing FIRSTHAND how freaky it is to aire out all this personal private stuff even with the family you love and care about. It is just wrong, called "triangulation" and a detriment to marriage no matter how good it is. (ignore my case).

yuck. with my husband, the first thing he said after tying my all up completely, was "Who's in control now?" etc. and he went on to say "how does it feel now" etc, because he felt so powerless in the marriage, how sad. I didn't want all that responsibility and I would gladly give some of it away to him...He didn't take care of things though, and what was allotted for him to be in charge of just went to heck usually, didn't get done at all. and I was left scrambling yet again to figure out what to do about it.

so what is really very sad is what he wanted i didn't even want in the first place. it's all that power and control that I wished I could give up but no one being responsible for it...and he wanted some and didn't know what to do with it. it is so sad and I wish it were different. but under best circumstances the truth is, we just weren't good matches anyway.

my heart breaks for him. I feel so bad that it came to this, and hate that it happened this way. the irony is that the physical things he did to me were not painful compared to the mental and emotional abuse/neglect all that time (most of our relationship). He was always degrading me...because he could not feel good about himself. It kills me that a man with his skills does not realize his value, and that he is able to continually think bad thoughts about himself when he is inherently valuable...but it wasn't my place to try to convince him of that. he needed to learn that from some other source. it was just a tragic union of two stupid young idiots.

he really freaks me out because I have mixed feelings...

i know that my problems are within myself, fearing men, but yet wanting closeness with someone. It is scary to get that close and not know if you can trust someone. I don't even have that comfortable trust with my dad! I can't force that trust. I wish I could safely transfer the trust to my "fill in father figure" and it be perfectly legitimate to exclude everyone else so I can make that leap into being able to trust a man at all who will not tell anything about me that would hurt me, to others, and then I could move on one day to marry someone.

does that sound pretty freaky or what? ha... the one guy that I feel is like a father figure but he's not, I guess that is kind a wierd to some people? I trust him so far, and I think I could trust him to play that role as wierd as it is for a girl my age. nothin' wierd happenin' here, just a good man who can be trusted, to my knowledge.

okay i'll go now...


Anonymous Anonymous said...

the best support you can find is silent. no rules, no fences, no strings. just the shoulder for you to lean on. you are growing well, young padawan learner............. keep kickin' ass!

.............hubby of supermom

10:52 PM  

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