Friday, September 15, 2006

Ice Queen, Man-eater

The alter ego to my excessive tolerance to manly indescretions.... ha ha ha. I am NOT wanting to become an ice queen, NO! BUT I do need to cut the bullshit and stop giving into my weakness for thinking I'm HELPING someone, and it turning into romance, bullshit! Ha ha ha. That is just brainless nonsense and it's got to stop.

I DO highly respect women, and perhaps, until my recent flirtations with this undisclosed party, I had never indulged in fantasy or ANYTHING with a married man or a man dating someone. Because of my deep respect for women, and a sense of sisterhood. I love women. But women suck sometimes too. All of us do, we all make mistakes. As I do. I have to give it up, let it go.

Thank goodness for many miles between people, that's all I have to say on that one. And this new guy...HOT. But who cares? There are a ton of hot guys, and that doesn't do it for me. It really isn't enough, or EVEN necessary. And WHAT am I doing ANYWAY, thinking about relationships RIGHT NOW??? That's just ridiculous, and I know it. I'm so silly. I'm boy-crazy, I guess you could say. I'm also happy to be sociable legitimately because I sort of feel like I crawled out of a cave and need to get out a bit.

I'm also really pissed, underneath it all, because I didn't realize I have legitimate reasons to have high self-esteem, and the option of saying no BECAUSE IT'S NOT GOOD FOR ME, not just because it's not good for the other. I have never "competed" for a guy. I am always happy and relieved when he finds someone else, or another girl "competes" with me, as the case may be. I am not looking to pursue a man. No thank you. BUT I do appreciate friendships, and of course there is an aptitude within me that craves a solid relationship someday, as it is right for both parties mutually and simultaneously. Other than that, no thank you. NO THANK YOU NO THANK YOU NO THANK YOU!!!

guess I have a few issues to deal with first, ha ha, and I don't want to take anything out on mr. new guy, what belongs somewhere else and must be dealt with first. I'm waiting. I just have a spot there, ready for a relationship, someday. That's all.

It's pissed off too, that "spot". It needs a rest first obviously, but yet the friendships need to build for other benefits. I am sort of afraid I may break mr. new guy's heart. He told me, "There's my heart, right on my sleeve...don't break it." I was thinkin' "SHIT, already??" We're cool, though. We'll be okay even if we do not end up together. We're becoming friends.

I love him...See? That's where my own heart betrays me. We are not ready for this. This is crazy and stupid and very poor timing. I'm just too vulnerable, and he is too, so oops!!!

so what to do... aren't we all supposed to "love one another"? THAT is why this thing gets SO confusing...(just not in THAT way, LOL>)
I guess my dad is right. Just need to stay away from ALL men, altogether, and not talk to strangers. Ha. It will all be okay and I just need to stick to the strict rules I'm living with right now. I literally cannot be alone with a man, even in public, for the time being. I am staying at my dad's now until further notice. Good, because I don't feel safe in my old neighborhood, alone. Buncha creepy people stopped by all the time asking for odd things, and there is a drug house down the street. It's scary, really nerve-wracking. You never know when there may be someone upset, coming off of drugs, right around the corner and KNOWING I'm alone there or with a small child. Creepyville. but it is a cute house and I have a wonderful landlord.

I don't want that kind of attention. PROFESSIONAL attention, the more the merrier (lol, ha ha ha) NOT some of the other kinds, I have received, so I am making a point to present myself as well as possible so as not to elicit that kind of response. No more bikini in my front yard. I only did that a couple times (literally TWO and for less than an hour, each), when NO ONE was apparently around, and I had guys knocking on my door BOTH times late those nights. What were they, peeping out their windows? Shouldn't they have been at work? I'm not interested.

That is just totally creepy. I wish I had access to the sun where no one else could see me. It would be nice to feel private, and have a sense of security with a measure of freedom too.

CRAP, why does it always have to be such a tough choice between safety with complete boredom, or danger and liberty? Can a girl be free AND safe? I don't like this.

"I'm just a girl in the world...." ha ha ha .....


Blogger SuperMom said...


clarity is such a good thing. you sound more focused nd rational these days. good job!


.............hubby of supermom

3:37 AM  
Blogger Nay said...

"Good lookin' guys come a dime a dozen...
My mama told me,
You'd better shop around."

...............Captain and Tenille

7:07 PM  
Blogger Hoping4more said...

ha ha shop around, too true.
i love this man, (but I love everyone, heck!) He has a lot of good qualities, but he may not be right for me and I may not be right for him! No sense in rushing things; that's for sure.

NOT in a hurry....
tee hee. I like to be free!
(but I may take his advice and wear a trench coat, too funny, all the time. I am starting to understand why covering up every bit of skin can be a good thing.


8:36 AM  

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