Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Masterbation, etc.

Lovely topic; don't ya think?? WELL, for anyone wondering...I am not so sure which category of sexuality I fit more accurately into, males or females...after reading The Marriage Bed regarding men's and women's sexuality, parts of both rang true to me.

according to the strictly female version, if I were to masterbate or engage in any other form of sexuality, it would only INCREASE my desire. For long periods of time during my marriage, I have had low sex drive, but that may be because of not having the legitimate option of honestly responding to what I thought was sexy. I do not inherently have a low sex drive but quite the opposite actually. (ON to my point...) There were times that the women's sex drive as described in the marriage bed (I will add link later) more closely described mine, than the men's. I was able to get it down close to zero there for a few weeks. BUT then as soon as Mr. HOT sexy Cool is around...there is a problem. SO...don't know if it is because I haven't HAD any in so long?? (because that more closely describes the men's sex drive) or what.

Don't know. But I DO know that I SURE as heck don't want to get "caught" at my age, living in my parent's home. THAT would be TOO WIERD. And I'm exhausted anyway. It does help some, when I can get private and discreet enough, away from everyone, but... the thing is, it temporarily relieves the desire but then the overall desire level goes up, so that is still very frustrating! I hate the position I am in, I HATE IT so much! ha ha (maybe don't read that with as much emphasis as it looks...if you could hear my voice saying it, it probably wouldn't sound quite as scary, ha.

Oh Jeez...miscommunication is my middle name. My girl's is: Messmaker. The two of us together will wear you out! That is the way it is for now. tee hee.

I want to get a locked apt. in a safe area in a couple months, so I can feel safe and secure AND free, relatively. I just feel freaked out because of my lawless "in-laws". Criminals to the n'th degree!! I don't want that mafia cult stealing my little girl and bringing her up in their druggie cultish paranoid dramaqueen freakshow matriarchy of twisted sisters!

just havin' a little fun with the words there... wish they were all fun AND fiction...not quite that lucky. these girls focus great attention to their looks, with boob jobs and glitter, makeup and hair, clothes, etc, constantly fussing about their looks, and if anyone pays attention to them then that person is definitely a pervert and CAN'T be trusted. They are wierd, sick, ridiculous to me. always setting people up for failure and seducing, using, throwing away people...in their minds "outside people" are disposable and do not have real feelings, only they do.

but they are very friendly! and you would NEVER know how they actually felt about people unless you became one of them...like I did. SICK I tell ya... I'm still retraining my brain as though I really have come out of an actual cult. It is difficult and scary. freaky, and hurtful because no one likes to be exposed and that is what I'm doing to them. I had no intention of hurting them. Unfortunately, they DID have intention of hurting me and I was just too stupid to see it until I'm married into the family with child. SCARY lemme tell ya.

I don't want them ruining my child's life! Over my dead body...they just said, "okay then over your dead body; we can make that happen." and it wouldn't surprise me if the whole thing was planned by the entire family because they weren't the least bit surprised when supposedly they had FIRST heard of it; they were actually prepared with rebuttal quite calmly. WHEN SOMEONE TIES YOU UP AND DRAGS YOU AROUND THE HOUSE GIVING YOU RUGBURN ON YOUR BREASTS AS YOUR SHIRT CRAWLS UP, is there not reason to suspect there may be something WRONG with this picture???? HELLO! what is wrong with this situation? SICK I tell you! and intention of kidnapping? He may have thought I would not be able to get to a phone and with the door locked up, perhaps could have conveniently died in there before anyone knew, and then he could give her (our girl) to his sister to adopt like she always wanted. I wish I knew. I don't actually know what is all going on in their heads, but it is scary to see the results of it, from out here.

She still tells me that Daddy told her, "I wish I would have given you up a long time ago" and another time he said to her (according to her) "I should have gotten rid of you a long time ago."

These people are dangerous. And this "big sis" of his has broken up marriages, befriending the husband and undermining the wife, more than once that I'm aware of, who knows how many times total. That is what she knows. instilling paranoia and taking control, gradually until the balance is shifted entirely where she goes in for the kill. creating the reality that supposedly proves she was always right in the first place. So she can go on and feel like she did the right thing and she is only helping out. Glitter boob princess, go somewhere else!

I'm sick of fakey nice pretty girls. YUCK. SCARY. BOLONEY.

I deviated this far from masterbation? See, I'm too stressed to devote much time and effort to sexuality, right now. It is too tense in my world, at this time, to really relax and focus on that stuff. oh well! It is not always a problem, just some of the time...eventually it will have to be addressed but there are too many eyeballs on me right now to relax.

I can't wait for that to change.
*sigh*

5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are appropriately expressing thoughts and feelings with more clarity girl. you are getting better, whatever that looks like.

and the abbreviated term for chicks like the sisters is SWB -
snooty white bitches.


................hubby of supermom

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