VIRTUAL THERAPY

No Way Out But Through

2006-10-25T08:38:00.000-07:00

Casualties are unacceptable. All people are bestowed dignity and grace from God. I cannot accept casualties, not if I can help it... To follow principles I believe in, OUCH, means...okay...well, my sense of wellbeing is DEFINITELY on the line. Of all who have access to this, sometimes I truly wish I would have shown no one who actually KNOWS me, so that I may be truly free to lay in all on the line, let it all out... say every last little detail and feel I've purged myself, and freed my soul to really live. But it's inappropriate because I believe wisdom often includes discretion and refraining from gossip, even about yourself. It's about respect, and dignity.

Ha! My good friend, Mr. Cool Hot Sexy, just said, "Casualties are unacceptable? Casualties are REQUIRED. It's like saying, I want to eat supper but I don't want to shit."

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I love you, Mr. Cool Hot Sexy.

Oh, wow. I am responsible for some BIG ERRS. I cannot seem to come to terms with them, the very same errs I would forgive someone else for in a heartbeat! ONE beat of my heart, POOF! Loved and forgiven, but no! Myself? I cannot accept that, but it isn't selfless, I am selfish in that. I don't want to be that vulnerable. I do not want to incite that much possible anger. I do not want to leave my daughter with a mother in WORSE condition; I'm barely keeping my morale up as it is! That is true...I want her to have a good home, PERIOD. OKAY, so casualties are allowed for THAT to happen, too true...

Well...I need to go make sense of some more complications of life, so see ya later! LOVE HUGS and a big bowl of beans to ALL!!! tee hee

Completely in Love with Truth and Love Itself...

2006-10-07T12:45:00.000-07:00

I don't need anyone to be that for me, necessarily, and I will be happy when it comes my way, legitimately. Romance is only a small part of life, but it makes it fun and enjoyable. But solid principles hold out, and that is what to bank on. "Amen, sistah!" (OKAY I'm talking to myself, yes...) I love EVERYONE, truly! EVEN myself, hey, why not? I'm not so bad after all! I've put myself through hell, and come on now! Isn't it time to LIVE life FULLY like I always preach to everyone else? OKAY so I got my own point finally!

I'm all right with me. *wink* Is that so wrong? I don't think so.

Cheers to a new day, ya'all! I can love YOU because I love MYSELF. ISN'T THAT GREAT? Cool with me...everybody enjoy your beautiful day.

Rethinking future...

2006-10-04T16:07:00.000-07:00

Hello...now I am addressing all those core issues I have buried for all these years! My husband was my chosen distraction from dealing with other things in my life, I suppose, to some extent. I had no time or energy left for dealing with my original concerns that still hold me back in life right now. NOW, I'm doing that.
Wow, what an opportunity. I'm going to seize it. "Seize the day!" It's both frightening and exciting at the same time, and unnerving in the hopes that I will not make the same mistakes again, and that I will address things more fully, given the full opportunity. This situation helps tremendously. I've been so overwhelmed for so long...now I'm "purging" some of those issues, learning to slow down, and receive the wonderful blessings now bestowed upon me freely.

Completely in Love with Mr. Cool sexy Hot

2006-10-02T10:15:00.000-07:00

Wow...couldn't stop myself. Fell hard for Mr. Wonderful here... I'm toast. Completely, totally, burned blackened toast. No hope...I'm a gonner. 100% "property of"...mr. Sexy Endearing Sweet Loveable...
Do I have brain damage? I am totally ga-ga; WHAT kind of guy IS THIS?? Is he a voodoo guy? A "magic man"... must be. The CT scan must have not caught it; need the MRI to detect my real problem. ANY girl would be vulnerable to falling for Mr. Cool Sexy Hot, but...I'M supposed to know better! My heart is his. Period.
I love him. Completely over any other "possiblities". What now? Wow...

What I've Realized...

2006-09-27T09:35:00.000-07:00

Hep-Hez, you are too freagin' cute, girl! Really, though...this picture is breath-taking. Seriously... who's more delirious? I had a cup of coffee too, today..and you are right. I tried to save it (our "marriage"), but it was not truly alive in the first place, only a "phantom marriage". But it made me realize how sacred a real one would be! Funny, huh? So really, nothing lost, in all actuality, but my lesson learned is huge.

I've realized, that I want to be married someday! And that it is very, very special and a HUGE deal to think of going down that path (and I'm okay to wait on that). It is not something to take lightly, by any means. But it is something I want to last for the rest of my life. I don't think I could go through this again. It has been mental torture. It has taught me a lot.

I'm almost grown up! (or so I think...) I think I took the long way around, and that is okay. Scenic, lemme tell ya. Boy, pray God will help Mr. Cute Hot Sexy to know what the heck he thinks he's getting into!! Ha, ha. I'm surprised he remains so sure. But I still question that, and hope to have more clarity brought to this picture. I still have my boundaries up, as so I should.

I fell in love...

2006-09-25T18:49:00.000-07:00

Ha ha...this is funny. Today at the bank, I fell in love...with a picture of a happy family! It was so beautiful, made a person believe it is possible...these days, a mother, a father and a child. The couple and child, all three, looked so very happy. I stole that page out of the magazine (SHAME ON ME!!!) It was so beautiful. I may frame it; it's just that good. It was advertizing a real estate company, of course... and mortgage lenders, but it's all good!

Oh...the dreams a person can have...contentedness, peace, joy, comfort, all on the faces of a family bonded together in love (or so they fake it really well)! So gorgeous, beautiful, what dreams are made of. *gasp* *sigh* *swoon* *tear up*

ha ha ha. Oh, my heart is in a bad place, not hard, but with a precarious disposition.

I am sad for the state of families in America today. I am sad for our inability to trust the most sacred bonds that should exist barring each person's personal relationship with God. I am sad that mistakes are exaserbated instead of dealt with, and inflamed instead of calmed down, to make injury to the family unit a hundred times more pointed than by itself.

My heart breaks that my situation is the norm and NOT the exception... It shouldn't be this way. I wish I didn't perpetuate this crisis of family destruction. That's worse than murder.

Murder of the institute that teaches youth the way to live, values, principles... murder of the ability to have a tender heart that trusts, murder of that long-lasting love you can bank on when the world is cold and alien, murder of the warmth and comfort of home, murder of a way of life that I wish I could embrace! wholeheartedly...

and I killed it. I stupidly, erroneously, killed it... by undervaluing it in the first place, acting foolishly and impulsively, trapping us both, then cutting us free from the "web"...sticky, gooey grey codependency... and now that my heart is being "freed" from this web, I feel the icy cold of reality blowing on my bare naked heart, and it hurts tremendously.

It didn't go well...

2006-09-24T15:01:00.000-07:00

There is powerful attraction between us, but it is not right!! How frustrating...Mr. Cute Hot Sexy Guy claims he is sure he knows he wants to marry me, and will wait. What is up with that??!! Oh My Goodness. I am overwhelmed because I am not so sure!! I feel all wrong, dizzy, sick, attracted but deceived! Lust, or whatever this is, is intoxicating.

I can be such a silly freagin' goofball...and HOW do I end up like this???? I REALLY want to know...not that it isn't flattering and wonderful for a nice man like Mr. Cute Hot Sexy to think that about me, but...premature, don't ya think?? How COULD someone think that way? I really don't get it; I'm TRYING to figure it out.

UGH! (Ha, Charlie Brown...) I DO want someone to think that about me!! ONE person, SOMEDAY, and forever! But THAT doesn't look like one of my choices, now, does it?? What goes on in the inner minds of men? HOW can I possibly fathom this journey: HOW TO be in love with one person, and that person in love with you, for a lifetime??

Is it possible? Just curious. But OH NO!!! Life keeps throwin' ya curveballs...figure this one out, and what about that, but NOT the thing that would seem SIMPLE and desireable! NO, COULDN'T be that easy!!! of course! we must really struggle through life to figure out the deeper meanings! Ask the hard questions; get the hard answers... guess that's life.

And BOY did I ask the tough questions.... apPARENTLY, that is...

I want my husband to be okay!!!!! Is THAT too much to ask?? I don't understand this; does his wellbeing = my downfall? Can he be trusted, ever?? I am not sure! I just wish he was okay! and I KNOW he's not, right now at least, and I feel SICK about it. I sometimes WISH I had never met him (LOOK where it's gotten us?), but also feel heartbreak on his behalf.

Can I make this right, ever? Oh I wish I could, somehow! Somehow, bring peace, mercy, justice to the situation with love... and settle matters rightly... I don't want anyone hurting unduly. I have no bitterness that lasts...I feel sad for him, and his family, and I know they've been through hard times and haven't known a better way to live. I'm sick about it.

He (husband) and I COULD have been friends...if we'd kept ourselves from having sex! It just messed up the whole thing, dang it, and I'm so sad it removed the legitimacy for friendship, that was never meant to be more. We are just not RIGHT for each other, and then got attached!

That is why I do not want to base a future relationship on attraction, such as with Mr. Cute Hot Sexy Guy, because that shit doesn't last, sistah! It is not the foundation of a healthy marriage. I know this. I've BEEN THERE. It shouldn't be that difficult...I know better.

Ugh. But with depression (clinically, I'm there...) that is one "upper" that is hard to resist. But resist I shall. And I'll take my medicine and call it a day...even though I'm feeling like total shit! It is the only way (but of course...)

"When in Rome..." I'm in Abstainville, so there you have it.

Husband Look-Alike...

2006-09-21T07:28:00.000-07:00

I have to tell Mr. New Hot Cute guy, that, oops, there cannot be a future with us...and what's freaky?? I realized how much he reminds me of who I'm trying to get over!! CRAP, that's almost worse than someone dating someone for awhile, and realizing they look JUST like a parent! JUST LIKE! (Anyone watch that episode of Frazier? Pretty funny...)

I just cried this morning, thinking about it....no, I've never really mourned the loss of my marriage, and that crazy wild love I used to have for this man I'm divorcing. It is very painful. The marriage has been dead for a long time, a year at least, I'd say, but...the memories linger on. The memories of how crazy in love I was at one time with this person, the delusion of who I thought he was, the lack of discernment for my own safety and lack of wisdom in decision-making. And we are both alive, going about our business separately...and the death of our union must be mourned because inded it is a traumatic event.

Still bottled up somewhat, but spouting a little out over the top regularly! OH my, there IS life after divorce, but the steps to get there are wrought with pain and difficulty!!

Worth every one though.... Freedom and a new life. Things will be better; I just know it.
Thank goodness for all the blessings in life....I'm truly blessed.

In My Father's House

2006-09-20T21:06:00.000-07:00

I love my father and his rules! They are savin' my holy rearend... Thank you, thank you!! Things are getting better. I just never thought....
wow...
I love my Pops...Good man, he is. :)

Masterbation, etc.

2006-09-19T11:51:00.000-07:00

Lovely topic; don't ya think?? WELL, for anyone wondering...I am not so sure which category of sexuality I fit more accurately into, males or females...after reading The Marriage Bed regarding men's and women's sexuality, parts of both rang true to me.

according to the strictly female version, if I were to masterbate or engage in any other form of sexuality, it would only INCREASE my desire. For long periods of time during my marriage, I have had low sex drive, but that may be because of not having the legitimate option of honestly responding to what I thought was sexy. I do not inherently have a low sex drive but quite the opposite actually. (ON to my point...) There were times that the women's sex drive as described in the marriage bed (I will add link later) more closely described mine, than the men's. I was able to get it down close to zero there for a few weeks. BUT then as soon as Mr. HOT sexy Cool is around...there is a problem. SO...don't know if it is because I haven't HAD any in so long?? (because that more closely describes the men's sex drive) or what.

Don't know. But I DO know that I SURE as heck don't want to get "caught" at my age, living in my parent's home. THAT would be TOO WIERD. And I'm exhausted anyway. It does help some, when I can get private and discreet enough, away from everyone, but... the thing is, it temporarily relieves the desire but then the overall desire level goes up, so that is still very frustrating! I hate the position I am in, I HATE IT so much! ha ha (maybe don't read that with as much emphasis as it looks...if you could hear my voice saying it, it probably wouldn't sound quite as scary, ha.

Oh Jeez...miscommunication is my middle name. My girl's is: Messmaker. The two of us together will wear you out! That is the way it is for now. tee hee.

I want to get a locked apt. in a safe area in a couple months, so I can feel safe and secure AND free, relatively. I just feel freaked out because of my lawless "in-laws". Criminals to the n'th degree!! I don't want that mafia cult stealing my little girl and bringing her up in their druggie cultish paranoid dramaqueen freakshow matriarchy of twisted sisters!

just havin' a little fun with the words there... wish they were all fun AND fiction...not quite that lucky. these girls focus great attention to their looks, with boob jobs and glitter, makeup and hair, clothes, etc, constantly fussing about their looks, and if anyone pays attention to them then that person is definitely a pervert and CAN'T be trusted. They are wierd, sick, ridiculous to me. always setting people up for failure and seducing, using, throwing away people...in their minds "outside people" are disposable and do not have real feelings, only they do.

but they are very friendly! and you would NEVER know how they actually felt about people unless you became one of them...like I did. SICK I tell ya... I'm still retraining my brain as though I really have come out of an actual cult. It is difficult and scary. freaky, and hurtful because no one likes to be exposed and that is what I'm doing to them. I had no intention of hurting them. Unfortunately, they DID have intention of hurting me and I was just too stupid to see it until I'm married into the family with child. SCARY lemme tell ya.

I don't want them ruining my child's life! Over my dead body...they just said, "okay then over your dead body; we can make that happen." and it wouldn't surprise me if the whole thing was planned by the entire family because they weren't the least bit surprised when supposedly they had FIRST heard of it; they were actually prepared with rebuttal quite calmly. WHEN SOMEONE TIES YOU UP AND DRAGS YOU AROUND THE HOUSE GIVING YOU RUGBURN ON YOUR BREASTS AS YOUR SHIRT CRAWLS UP, is there not reason to suspect there may be something WRONG with this picture???? HELLO! what is wrong with this situation? SICK I tell you! and intention of kidnapping? He may have thought I would not be able to get to a phone and with the door locked up, perhaps could have conveniently died in there before anyone knew, and then he could give her (our girl) to his sister to adopt like she always wanted. I wish I knew. I don't actually know what is all going on in their heads, but it is scary to see the results of it, from out here.

She still tells me that Daddy told her, "I wish I would have given you up a long time ago" and another time he said to her (according to her) "I should have gotten rid of you a long time ago."

These people are dangerous. And this "big sis" of his has broken up marriages, befriending the husband and undermining the wife, more than once that I'm aware of, who knows how many times total. That is what she knows. instilling paranoia and taking control, gradually until the balance is shifted entirely where she goes in for the kill. creating the reality that supposedly proves she was always right in the first place. So she can go on and feel like she did the right thing and she is only helping out. Glitter boob princess, go somewhere else!

I'm sick of fakey nice pretty girls. YUCK. SCARY. BOLONEY.

I deviated this far from masterbation? See, I'm too stressed to devote much time and effort to sexuality, right now. It is too tense in my world, at this time, to really relax and focus on that stuff. oh well! It is not always a problem, just some of the time...eventually it will have to be addressed but there are too many eyeballs on me right now to relax.

I can't wait for that to change.
*sigh*

I love him; I'm scared of him....

2006-09-18T14:03:00.000-07:00

I'm too stressed to think straight. I don't feel comfortable completely, in my father's house, EVEN THOUGH HE IS A REALLY GOOD MAN (my father). "Honor thy father and thy mother." It feels like a choice, one or the other, to me. I don't like that. I don't want that for her (little one), with me and mr. soon to be ex. I will always hold him in high esteem for her sake. I say that, but I don't want him to hurt her and I don't feel she is safe with him mentally, emotionally, or physically (abuse emotionally and mentally, and neglect physically-eating, etc.).

This new guy: how can he win? I wanted a hug today, but because of all the 'RULES' and now he is on pins and needles too....he felt more anxious AFTER hugging me, and I am worse than before too!!! WHERE do you go for comfort? He is a really good guy, but this is too much, I don't know how he is able to put up with it, and still willing to pursue a possible future with me. I am amazed. this is so beyond ridiculous. I am SURE there has to be another, safe, arena to seek comfort??? I am so in need of comfort!!! Poor Mr. New Hot Nice Guy... I am not yet in condition to be a wife to anyone with what is going on in my head, and yet I still seek comfort, and from him, how can he win? I'M the one who put a stop to it last time, because I became too sexually aroused and it was frustrating not to be able to do anything about it. So NOW he is all careful and not wanting to frustrate me, but I'm just wanting a hug for comfort today!! So how can he win? Never knowing how to do what is best? He really IS a good man for trying so hard with me, being a confusing, complicated woman!

last time, a hug aroused me...THIS time, it would only comfort me (well, with family all around! it helps put a stop to that for me!) So HE is probably thinking, MAKE UP YOUR MIND!

I'm angry....angry at people, that I don't know if I have a right to be angry at...angry at my father for imposing all these "rules" on me, for asking all these personal questions, and for being so black-and-white about it even though I do appreciate clarity! I just feel all twisted and tied up, and wish choices didn't have to be so aweful! I wish I didn't feel like I was in prison! [The prison, is it only in my own mind? or am I still trying to please people who contradict each other, so I can't win!? what about ME! I don't know that one.]

yet I still do not feel ready to take it all on, on my own, either; WHY is it such an extreme choice? Can I not learn, a little at a time? I feel so strained. why do I give in to others? what do I want for myself? I don't feel right.

I feel like a big fat disappointment. I am glad I am out of the prison of my marriage...but...can I learn and not fall back on the bad pattern I had developed? STOP LUSTING!!! And now that I am not lusting...I am so so so depressed! so there is the core of it. I guess. I lusted after my husband back in the day. I should have LEFT HIM ALONE!!! I didn't know WHAT I was getting into, playing with fire, for sure! I didn't know what was going on in his head! strong silent type, yikes! I am over that type now. I want to know what is in your head!!

i want to know intentions, weaknesses, strong points, goals... okay... well, NOW I know a few things that I WANT TO KNOW. At least I can apply them when it counts! I will be dating, and I will remarry. I know this; I'm meant for it (even as bad as marriage sucks) ha ha. I'm ALL for "pre-nup"s...you know why? save fighting later: these couples who clarify and specify have covered those bases and are better equipped to be happy with their spouses, knowing what they care about.

why lie? Everything will come out in the end, anyway, shoot! When you marry someone all you do is keep learning more and more about them, and it is NOT a time to advertize falsely, there is no way around the truth coming out!!! and if there is then what kind of a marriage is that? I don't see any benefit to lying to your future potential spouse! None at all!!!

I know one thing: stuff that happens, NOW will stay between the two, not with family involvment. PRIVACY, very important. and even blogging! In my silly little brain, I would be more comfortable sharing with my spouse than the blog anyway, so I will not need these so much if I had a spouse that I could share my life with.

I am so scared of what has all happened already, in my life, but I am willing and ready to keep stuff private, knowing FIRSTHAND how freaky it is to aire out all this personal private stuff even with the family you love and care about. It is just wrong, called "triangulation" and a detriment to marriage no matter how good it is. (ignore my case).

yuck. with my husband, the first thing he said after tying my all up completely, was "Who's in control now?" etc. and he went on to say "how does it feel now" etc, because he felt so powerless in the marriage, how sad. I didn't want all that responsibility and I would gladly give some of it away to him...He didn't take care of things though, and what was allotted for him to be in charge of just went to heck usually, didn't get done at all. and I was left scrambling yet again to figure out what to do about it.

so what is really very sad is what he wanted i didn't even want in the first place. it's all that power and control that I wished I could give up but no one being responsible for it...and he wanted some and didn't know what to do with it. it is so sad and I wish it were different. but under best circumstances the truth is, we just weren't good matches anyway.

my heart breaks for him. I feel so bad that it came to this, and hate that it happened this way. the irony is that the physical things he did to me were not painful compared to the mental and emotional abuse/neglect all that time (most of our relationship). He was always degrading me...because he could not feel good about himself. It kills me that a man with his skills does not realize his value, and that he is able to continually think bad thoughts about himself when he is inherently valuable...but it wasn't my place to try to convince him of that. he needed to learn that from some other source. it was just a tragic union of two stupid young idiots.

he really freaks me out because I have mixed feelings...

i know that my problems are within myself, fearing men, but yet wanting closeness with someone. It is scary to get that close and not know if you can trust someone. I don't even have that comfortable trust with my dad! I can't force that trust. I wish I could safely transfer the trust to my "fill in father figure" and it be perfectly legitimate to exclude everyone else so I can make that leap into being able to trust a man at all who will not tell anything about me that would hurt me, to others, and then I could move on one day to marry someone.

does that sound pretty freaky or what? ha... the one guy that I feel is like a father figure but he's not, I guess that is kind a wierd to some people? I trust him so far, and I think I could trust him to play that role as wierd as it is for a girl my age. nothin' wierd happenin' here, just a good man who can be trusted, to my knowledge.

okay i'll go now...

Ice Queen, Man-eater

2006-09-15T22:10:00.000-07:00

The alter ego to my excessive tolerance to manly indescretions.... ha ha ha. I am NOT wanting to become an ice queen, NO! BUT I do need to cut the bullshit and stop giving into my weakness for thinking I'm HELPING someone, and it turning into romance, bullshit! Ha ha ha. That is just brainless nonsense and it's got to stop.

I DO highly respect women, and perhaps, until my recent flirtations with this undisclosed party, I had never indulged in fantasy or ANYTHING with a married man or a man dating someone. Because of my deep respect for women, and a sense of sisterhood. I love women. But women suck sometimes too. All of us do, we all make mistakes. As I do. I have to give it up, let it go.

Thank goodness for many miles between people, that's all I have to say on that one. And this new guy...HOT. But who cares? There are a ton of hot guys, and that doesn't do it for me. It really isn't enough, or EVEN necessary. And WHAT am I doing ANYWAY, thinking about relationships RIGHT NOW??? That's just ridiculous, and I know it. I'm so silly. I'm boy-crazy, I guess you could say. I'm also happy to be sociable legitimately because I sort of feel like I crawled out of a cave and need to get out a bit.

I'm also really pissed, underneath it all, because I didn't realize I have legitimate reasons to have high self-esteem, and the option of saying no BECAUSE IT'S NOT GOOD FOR ME, not just because it's not good for the other. I have never "competed" for a guy. I am always happy and relieved when he finds someone else, or another girl "competes" with me, as the case may be. I am not looking to pursue a man. No thank you. BUT I do appreciate friendships, and of course there is an aptitude within me that craves a solid relationship someday, as it is right for both parties mutually and simultaneously. Other than that, no thank you. NO THANK YOU NO THANK YOU NO THANK YOU!!!

guess I have a few issues to deal with first, ha ha, and I don't want to take anything out on mr. new guy, what belongs somewhere else and must be dealt with first. I'm waiting. I just have a spot there, ready for a relationship, someday. That's all.

It's pissed off too, that "spot". It needs a rest first obviously, but yet the friendships need to build for other benefits. I am sort of afraid I may break mr. new guy's heart. He told me, "There's my heart, right on my sleeve...don't break it." I was thinkin' "SHIT, already??" We're cool, though. We'll be okay even if we do not end up together. We're becoming friends.

I love him...See? That's where my own heart betrays me. We are not ready for this. This is crazy and stupid and very poor timing. I'm just too vulnerable, and he is too, so oops!!!

so what to do... aren't we all supposed to "love one another"? THAT is why this thing gets SO confusing...(just not in THAT way, LOL>)
I guess my dad is right. Just need to stay away from ALL men, altogether, and not talk to strangers. Ha. It will all be okay and I just need to stick to the strict rules I'm living with right now. I literally cannot be alone with a man, even in public, for the time being. I am staying at my dad's now until further notice. Good, because I don't feel safe in my old neighborhood, alone. Buncha creepy people stopped by all the time asking for odd things, and there is a drug house down the street. It's scary, really nerve-wracking. You never know when there may be someone upset, coming off of drugs, right around the corner and KNOWING I'm alone there or with a small child. Creepyville. but it is a cute house and I have a wonderful landlord.

I don't want that kind of attention. PROFESSIONAL attention, the more the merrier (lol, ha ha ha) NOT some of the other kinds, I have received, so I am making a point to present myself as well as possible so as not to elicit that kind of response. No more bikini in my front yard. I only did that a couple times (literally TWO and for less than an hour, each), when NO ONE was apparently around, and I had guys knocking on my door BOTH times late those nights. What were they, peeping out their windows? Shouldn't they have been at work? I'm not interested.

That is just totally creepy. I wish I had access to the sun where no one else could see me. It would be nice to feel private, and have a sense of security with a measure of freedom too.

CRAP, why does it always have to be such a tough choice between safety with complete boredom, or danger and liberty? Can a girl be free AND safe? I don't like this.

"I'm just a girl in the world...." ha ha ha .....

Quick Update...

2006-09-12T10:00:00.000-07:00

Reeling from all the drama, I am exhausted and seeking refuge now, calm, away...FAR away (I wish).

because I am too worn out to go into great detail at this point on the blog, here is the "skinny" version:

my husband and I have discussed and agreed upon multiple "separation attempts" over the past year, after which each of them he would return or go to where I was, pretending nothing was wrong, and yet, unfulfilling the terms of reconciliation. the question of divorce has so wretched my brain but I truly could not afford securing a lawyer, as I have been the only one financially responsible for the last year and a half, and I have been slowly breaking down more and more. I have feared what may happen with my daughter and husband during visitation because he has been very emotionally and mentally abusive (to me) often during our relationship. but I didn't really think he would harm his daughter, at least intentionally....I was REALLY hoping he would just sign papers with me and make it easy on everyone. I was giving him a REALLY good deal, so why shouldn't he? I didn't want to have to break out the "big guns" with lawyers, etc. I was trying to be as peaceable as possible, and work out solutions that would work for everyone to the extent possible. I was giving generous visitation rights, no child support, and any mutual property he wanted, plus I wasn't touching his stuff he got from his own family worth several thousand, even though we are $60 in debt, and it all falls on me. All the things we own either I bought or my family gave us. He could have it all. I didn't care. I just wanted Nev to be in a calm home with connection to both her parents (who just can't get be married to each other). My father adamently believes in offering the most connection possible to both parents, but I feared he is too much like me (without having my unique perspective now) and did not assess the danger risk accurately with my husband. I myself did not assess it correctly, but I have felt unsafe and knew he didn't properly care for my child, that is enough for me not to want to leave her alone with him...that kept me holding on, partly because, with the support system in place that I have, his visitation rights would be a given. But I did not feel it would be good for her...

a week and a half ago my husband manipulated me into coming over when he had my daughter (I was more concerned for her) by crying uncontrollably on the phone. I was so worried. I went there to check on her and calm him down...as soon as his tears stopped his aggression started, leading up to his tying me up, with the verbalized intent to take my daughter far away, and before he could leave (THANK THE LORD) my family arrived at the door, gut instinct. I had been fervently praying that someone would show up before he could leave with her.

Police reports have been filed, his warrant will be issued; he is hiding out in another state, I have my girl, but no money right now and I have had to protect her from kidnapping attempts (his sister told a bunch of whopping lies to CPS apparently and had them in on an attempt to take her away-which thankfully NOW is all cleared up).

Wow. And that's the SKINNY version.........

oh, and my family is WONDERFUL and helping out IMMENSELY. and I have many amazing friends as well who have been moral support through this whole thing. I have been truly blessed. I am so thankful we are okay, and things will get better. It feels like FINALLY the shackles and chains are being sawed off ...

the police took pics of me that day, they said I'm lucky to be alive, these things usually end up MUCH worse...

things are getting better.

Biblical Law Regarding Marriage/Divorce

2006-09-01T10:28:00.000-07:00

Check this out; reading through this made me feel an enormous sense of peace. I've had a copy given to me for quite awhile now, along with dozens of other books on family, marriage, divorce, coping, and such...so I hadn't taken a real peek at it until today, and...HALLELUJAH! This just makes my whole world start to make sense...

There is some calm from that spinning sensation, of having to make sense of things that inherently contradict. Just isn't possible. There IS a way, though, for what is true to be truly understood, and it often involves digging deeper into the meanings of widespread concepts. You cannot just sit there and accept it without a question: God didn't make us that way.

We are meant to quest for more understanding, seek wisdom, and find the answers to our real questions, NOT just accept things others tell us...

Tell me this: do you not know, within yourself, when there is something that is JUST NOT QUITE RIGHT??? It is a mystery, but in there you understand that amongst the ten answers thrown your way, NONE of them really hit it on the nose? Therefore you must go out, seek more, and understand the reasons why...

That is my rant for now. Goodbye! Blessings to all.

My Lucky Underwear

2006-08-30T14:22:00.000-07:00

Hey, Nay, we're the same here!!! Ha ha. Click here to take this test.

Your Lucky Underwear is Blue

You are caring and extroverted. You've made relationships your number one focus, and your lucky blue underwear can bring some balance to them.You thrive in one-on-one situations. You are a good listener and a natural born therapist.
Sometimes you let the concerns of others become too important in your life, leading to stress and worry.If you want more balance, put on your blue underpants. They'll help you take care of yourself first.

What Color Is Your Lucky Underwear?

Feedback; thank you!!

2006-08-30T13:30:00.000-07:00

Okay, thank you so much! and thank you for letting me post (LOL). I appreciate all thoughts and opinions about such topics. I need it; it helps. Here is a letter from a great friend of mine:

"Subject :
We're all human...!

Hi (HOPE)! Me, (great friend). I just KNEW after I got your e-mail, that I had better check your “virtual therapy” page, to make sure you didn’t tell all of the internet (anonymously, of course) that you might be a sexaholic. And sure enough, you did.

Oh (HOPE), you silly, funny girl. :) There’s a little bit of a hypochondriac in all of us, trying to figure out what is wrong with ourselves. We’re not full-blown hypochondriacs, but we still worry. That’s what we do! Like I said before, I do recognize a few things from the SA list that match some of your concerns– but I don’t think that you actually ARE a sexaholic.

And apparently Hepzibah, who I assume is somebody who knows you quite well, doesn’t think you are either. How she put it, it sounded pretty smart. I am all for you feeling the need to get help. I’m happy to hear you went to the doctor the other day (I think I read that in the blog). I don’t now how it went, but I hope it went well. If you still felt the need to look into the SA stuff, I’d strongly advise you to contact a same-sex mentor first, and feel the group out that way, to be able to talk to someone privately and candidly (and anonymously) to find out if your worries are the same as theirs. My suspicion is that theirs are much worse, and you ACTUALLY have more control over your life than most of them do. (Might sound weird, but I truly believe it!)

Lots of people have slept with a dozen people and have regretted most of them— that’s just life. But I really fear you’d feel totally out of place if you went to an actual meeting with actual people. While some of the things they describe might not shake you— how they act and feel about the choices they make probably would. I don’t know.

We all seek validation, like Hepz. said. I even had a prolonged hug with (gal pal) yesterday---- which is something you could just as easily point the finger at me, just like I pointed the finger at you and your back-rub. (Gal pal) and I sat and hung out for an hour or two, and among other things, she helped me take some new pictures, and helped me (surf the safer dating service on the net) for single women in my area (which is a nice step for her– actually accepting the reality that I’m not waiting around for her to be single, and that I’m going to try to find somebody). I walked her out to her car when she left, and we stood in front of the car and talked a bunch, even though she had to get going so she could finish her (class) homework. She kind of wanted a hug before she left, so we hugged. And it wasn’t a short hug. After about five or ten seconds of me hugging her (which was– nice, although hopefully not in a dirty way), I kind of made a joke about it, and I said something like, “I guessed it was going to be a short hug, but it turned out to be a long hug, and that’s cool, because it’s been a while since I had a long hug.” Yeah, I said that out loud. And she said something like, “I like hugs too.” (I don’t remember the exact words.) So we just kept hugging. We hugged for another twenty seconds or so! Which was— weird— but cool. We’re all human. We all want validation, and companionship, and to be liked or listened to. Who can blame us for that?

We’ve just got to be responsible, is all. And before I go, I might as well ask: how is you job/ money stuff going? In some ways, I feel that may be the biggest thing on your plate right now, and yet you as much as you’ve written me this week, you haven’t mentioned anything about it. I hope you feel you are making some progress on that front too. Take care, (Hoping4more). You are unique, you know that? And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
–(Great friend) "

(Hoping-here) Thank you, great friend! BOY do I appreciate you so much...you have no idea...yes I'm still a disaster, what can I say. It still feels like my head is spinning (yikes, scary!!) and I've done so many things wrong that I have NO IDEA how to make right. Dizziness, vertigo, fainting...these things have all been a part of my life lately. Failure...there is one of my worst fears...TIME TO FACE IT!!! No way out. I'm stopped at every angle. I have no other choice, that I see, so my success will only be that I will try to handle it well. Thank you.

Am I a Sex-a-holic, or not!??

2006-08-30T09:13:00.000-07:00

OMG, I don't know which one is worse!!!!!!!!!!!! if I'm NOT then I made two fully horrible mistakes that are COMPLETELY unjustifiable, dangerous, detrimental, and unacceptable... I am "looking for love in all the wrong places..."
but I want to take responsibility and be honest... OH MY GOODNESS I am so nauseaus. I can't divorce, I can't be faithful, I can't THINK STRAIGHT.
I need something, SOMETHING.. I am so glad I went to the hospital yesterday to get help. I am so glad; I really need it badly....I have GOT to get straightened out. I NEED some serious help...
I don't know how to be that strong woman who just does everything herself. Help, to show me the way??? I understand it will be painful....I need that JUST RIGHT CHALLENGE.

why can't I divorce? I am hurting him more by staying, right? I love him, but just not in that way. I WISH I could have my emotional needs legitimized...

kick my ass, but then give me a hug, I am a mess (just watch it-is there a rehab place just for me??)

Shame on me

2006-08-30T08:54:00.000-07:00

This is hard to say. It is not attractive at all. I've been TRYING to overcome things. I didn't think I could really qualify but I DO. I am a sexaholic. It is not a good thing at all and I am deeply ashamed, but scared, SHITLESS! It is highly embarrassing. I'm living near my family here, who is deeply deeply traditional and such........

I'm afraid of losing my daughter if I'm completely honest. I don't trust my in-laws. I didn't even KNOW I was a sexaholic until I read a little about it on this site. I have caused a lot of pain to others with this. I cannot really feel safe to say everything but I'm seeking help.

I can't figure out where to look for help! But I am looking to the people on this site. I hope that helps.

Some people say there is no such thing. And in that case, I would just be a horrible person because otherwise I cannot figure out the definition. but to me, sex has been a drug, because the only way God meant it was within the contexts of a happy marriage, and that is not how I've had it. I am confused, and I am unsure, but it rings true in too many ways. I do not want to jump on the bandwagon too soon-it isn't something I want to publicly do! Go to a MEETING! Talk to other people who will probably GROSS ME OUT!! And I will probably gross other people out....

and I don't want to get stuck somewhere without getting the fullest of "recovery" because... for one thing many people just use things against you and don't understand how to help. And... also, there is an inherent flaw in the twelve step program, in my opinion, in general, but it is the best we have right now. I only think there is a little more needed, or actually a little different approach but I'd probably be boo'd all over out the door if I actually said it because people NEED to have something solid to rely on. They NEED to think this is it and if they do this program, they can get better. I think there is something definitely too that, but there is more needed and I'm a bit scared to get stuck in the "twelve-step trap". I am dubbing that word myself, now, but want to clarify it is my own personal opinion based on what I know and have seen, and there is more needed to actually quantify and clarify those points
I still have that main weakness of overanalyzing...of course, a faulty feedback loop that MUST be corrected...I hope....

I'm a DORKWADIAN to the THIRD Degree!!

2006-08-26T10:02:00.000-07:00

ha i know that is me bein' juvenile, good lessons to help me grow up, I'm getting a little late in the game (why someone of MY AGE....ha ha)

I'm getting the point! It's good to learn (LOL) I don't know WHO I thought I WAS exactly. ha ha! I have no intention of enabling a bad behavior. and I'm not perfect! I cannot judge. Ha what a relief!!

HE really needs to feel important, and needs the comeradery and sense of accomplishment of having a job, with built in safety nets to accomodate the unknown and his particular needs LIKE EVERYONE ELSE ON THE PLANET including myself (sheepish grin).

It is NOT always "all or nothing". sometimes our friendships, relationships, and connections are somewhere in between, not fitting neatly necessarily into a predefined statuses; there ARE exceptions. I've been missing the point for a LONG time.

It doesn't have to be black and white. I've struggled and struggled and analyzed and over-analyzed (NOooo, Not me!)

We are ALL inter-connected, and the rules HAVE to be adapted to fit the needs most of the time. I can listen to my own conscience. Each person gets to do that, and reap the consequences of their own actions.

"It's all good." Can you believe that is the motto for my highschool senior class, Soooo funny because I have had all these legalistic concepts to sort through, so me at 17 was like an 80-year old woman (at THAT time), VERY CONSERVATIVE, and shy, and rule-oriented, I think my worst fear was violating a rule...for the most part. like I said, AT THAT TIME.
and debating it back and forth apparently until I get to where i am now, boy, not much different, really...still battling away back and forth at the concepts. I'm my own debate team, all in just myself, LOL.

Well, "to the pure, all is pure.", so that statement really is one I like (translated to a more current vernacular, ha)

ANYWAY! Things will be JUST FINE. What else could they be? No enabling of a bad pattern happenin' here now! good stuff...

Can't Do Both at the SAME TIME

2006-08-25T11:53:00.000-07:00

I need something solid in my life. I cannot handle too many things, up in the air, at once.

I have failed. I feel uncomfortable to turn anywhere I know of, for help. For there to be technically no one there, is too much for me...I have to figure out how to think about this: it's TOO overwhelming...

I need too much. Too much, too late, it's way out of control...

For my "marriage" to be the way it is, with no clarity, and for my job to be the way it is, and I need to focus a lot of time, energy, and attention on it...I am just too stressed out! I just can't do this. I have dropped the ball. I feel like a total failure. I cannot make anyone happy right now...

I am in a drastic state of needing to be rescued. THAT is so pathetic. I do NOT want to foster another codependent situation...someone who needs to be needed, me, needing some help...NO. I need so badly to understand where true, healthy boundaries should exist, and it seems my experiences have brought me to really understand the "criminal mind".

Gangsters: they are getting their basic needs met. No one else was meeting those core needs...how can that be wrong? Sure, values and principles are shady and THAT'S bad, but, isn't taking care of your loved ones a valuable thing? No one can judge...

Drug Addicts: The way my head has been spinning lately, I only WISH I were on something to calm me down. And I have no access to health care, who can judge someone who is trying to meet basic needs, when no one else is doing it? It is not like they told the world NOT to help them...

Underground market: with poverty rampant, and desperation to make a living, where do you think people will turn? To whatever opportunity they see in front of them...when you are hungry, and you have kids to feed, or a wife to take care of, etc...you have to do what you have to do, right? supply and demand, isn't that the way things work?

I don't agree with overriding solid principles to meet agendas, because I still have a deep faith in God and I don't believe that the "ends justifies the means"...we are called to obey principles regardless, as Christians, in this world...and I am just at a loss to figure out how to make it work for me, here, right now...

sitting here hungry, with bills, maxed out credit cards, a head that is spinning from confusion and frustration, desperation, employers calling me irritated because I have not been doing my job well, and I NEED HELP! I have gone to the places I know of designed to help "people in my situation." just turned the water back on with the last of my maxed out credit card. I hate bills being late, let alone, being all over the top, as I am now...

People say to help myself first, before thinking of others...I don't understand! Now I need help myself! I don't feel comfortable and I almost don't feel sane. I CAN'T help myself, now, I am breaking down! literally!

I could do another job right now; THAT doesn't make a lot of sense on other levels...I am not even qualified to do my own job right now. I have too many questions, and don't know who will help me learn what I need to know. I learn differently.

Something twists and turns inside of me when I am this conflicted, not knowing how to do whatever that "right thing" is. I cannot protect myself, I can barely think about it without getting dizzy, literally...if I had an MRI I bet the blood flow would show up quite differently than a normal calm relaxed state. Of course I don't know. I don't know any of that. Never had an MRI.

always meant to do everything "in the right order", financially, that is. I needed to have health insurance, before I went to the doctor. I had to have enough money to get health insurance. I had to have my job up and running before I could have enough money. Getting my job "up and running" with everything else going on in my life, has stressed me out so much my health feels in jeopardy, But then, I'm in a catch-22. I cannot get an appt. No one will see me, without health insurance, and without money. I do not want to be a parasite, on the system, either; I would just be paying off YET ANOTHER BILL, slowly, and ADD THAT to my list of potential aneurism-causers. NOT GOOD.

I need to be saved, rescued, helped (SICK!) Taught, at least, how to handle this. I have too many questions. I need answers. It is too much. But what do I do? It is all a catch-22, and it is too late now. At least I have life insurance money this month if I die from stress, but what about next month? Then it will really be too late for any hope of providing for my family if there is not some real help heading my way.

And I don't want to be judged, etc., stigmatized, whatever...I just need real help! I will "fit with the program" as much as I am able. I needed a mentor to help me get going in my profession, in the area I went in. I wasn't qualified; I didn't know much about the setting; had never done it. NOW I've got some really bad patterns established because I had no one to show me the way! I was not able to pick up on it, as stressed out as I was with home and family. I felt my dignity attacked every day, as I worked to try to make sense of it, and how do I constantly defend myself, when I know I really am messing up? It is nearly impossible.

The truth of feeling like a failure, starts to set in. The feeling of being so depressed because you know things will never be that great at home, undermines my feelings of worth. I know I should realize I'm worth something anyway! I know I am. I believe everyone is.

So I DO have low self-esteem, but deep down I know I am valuable; but someone lead the way for me so I can find my way out of this! I realize I got myself into it, but I need help! It's too much............

hypoglycemic and hungry, and feeling picky, but there is stuff here to eat right now.

this is how a person goes crazy, folks, in case anyone is curious about that process, a little at a time comfort zone unravels...

ok sorry that is so wrong to say because I believe there is always an option to trust God regardless! He is there; I know it! I do, and I need to trust!

I DO trust...problem-solving....could sell my computer, cancel my internet...then there goes my life-line.........

I am feeling all abandoned and hopeless ("My God, why have thou forsaken me?") But I KNOW that is not true. Somewhere I know it. And things WILL be okay....

Thank you for reading all this pissy ranting...nice messages are more than welcome, encouragement, etc., and honesty is always the best policy regardless of if it "hurts my feelings"...I need to find myself grounded in truth somehow...

good grief that was aweful sounding.... everyone, take it with a grain of salt....no worries.... "be anxious for nothing"; WISH I could understand how to do that........
am I a faker? are my perspectives valid? I am doing my best to be genuine, though, i am also trying to survive-
I actually am fine in other contexts temporarily coping...so... how much sense am I making...

Living...NOW

2006-08-24T09:48:00.000-07:00

Good point, laughorist, so I have had a bad habit of perseverating. doesn't do any good! not at all...

And Hepzi, you know what? You are absolutely right. No more of this "disabled" bull; he isn't and I know it. he's fine. he can learn, he can work, and I need to practice "tough love". I understand some of what he is going through; i'm not judging him but loving him truly would mean holding him to a higher standard, right? As well as what I need for myself, with help from my precious friends...

and he is doing better! he's got a job lined up. he's an excellent shed-builder, and that on the side...with this other job, things look good! HIS only problem...is me! I want to help the poor boy out. torturing is only a SIDE hobby, not my lifelong career! ha ha. we HAVE to separate...

bye everyone

Mr. Husband

2006-08-23T18:09:00.000-07:00

You see? He had NEVER done that before and never since...THAT is a good reason to have trusted him. only that once did he betray my trust on that core of a level...so I could not understand and it left me in shock for so long...I couldn't believe it and I didn't know for sure it was on purpose for three more years. but it was. he did it on purpose.

For six years I had known him, lost my virginity five years before, to him...I had NO REASON to suspect he would ever pull that, and STILL after he did ... I was thinking of all the reasons why everything will be all right, to calm my fears...I thought, well I'm not supposed to be fertile...okay, everything's okay, I told myself to calm my worries.

life goes on...i just never took it all in at once because it was more than I could take, so, a little at a time, and now I'm up to full dose...it's tough.

but i need to keep going, keep going, trying to make it right...well it's not! but still, this is life...breathe in, breathe out...

the only way I see

2006-08-23T17:49:00.000-07:00

I know most people will probably disagree with this, but I'm not in most situations, either...HAVE to be creative...

I feel that the only way that I could manage my situation would include supporting my family in different residences until that day when possibly he really could be independent, but until then I have an obligation to take care of him because I truly believe that he couldn't make it on his own at this point...
so, basically, that's me paying for two households...yikes. because I know how things affect children when a parent is not okay, and I can't have that to the extent that I can control it. THAT is why, my dear blog-buddies, I am still not getting anywhere, it would almost take winning the lottery to get started! And then I'd STILL be a slave for a long time before things were under control. but now? I'm really having a hard time keeping my head above water, so we are NOT getting anywhere, true, and then...could I keep that up my whole life? OH I had no idea what this all entailed. my getting pregnant during school...no IDEA how that moment's hesitation, biting my lip, and agreeing to one second of condomless sex would do to my life! NO IDEA, but I'm not stupid and I knew better...I just thought there was NO way I could get pregnant, with the risk I agreed to, one second of condomless sex with no ejaculation, during a time I was technically not supposed to be fertile because I was ten days from the time I estimated was my "ovulation" time..I thought I was so good! I had the nerve to say to myself "I'm SO GOOD at birth control" I knew when I was ovulating, etc... but NOT THIS TIME! I ovulated EARLY and learned about his family history of increased sperm life. Great. That jerk, he promised just for a second and then he immediately came inside me! He really changed my life. He gave me the most beautiful girl, and what's NOT so great is we are stuck for life together when we were never meant to be. that- ooh. I can't say.

so I'm torn. If I were super rich spoiled then I would manage the two households and keep my head above water, with the increased morale of freedom and liberty to do what I need to do. Why'd I have to know what I know and then do what I did? No way to make that one seem right.

I understand why people stay together for the sake of the kids. Of course! it IS true, what better reason? It really DOES screw up a kid to be so torn, there is no way around that...no easy answers, no justifications, no way to just move on as if nothing happened because it is a BIG DEAL, a REALLY big deal. And I admire people who plug away even though they are miserable! It's a hard way to live.

I feel for you. I AM you...I have thirteen more years to go unless I become wealthier sooner...

i don't see it ever being simple. i want out though, i still know that.

NO WAY OUT

2006-08-23T14:46:00.000-07:00

It really feels like there's no way out; i know my mistakes have gotten me to here, and some people have it worse..................... this can't be right! There MUST be a solution...
but what!

okay i'll get off it, everyone tells me I overthink things, yes I do that...

so there are distinctly different contexts and NO WAY to draw them together? I don't understand...

Isn't what is true in one context, ALSO true in another?? Can someone please help me understand? It is not that I am just missing the boat entirely, it feels like I am seeing a hundred boats (ha, instead of just seeing double, LOL)

fwew! I really DO overthink things; is there a medication to help out with that? It is not functional...I know I can do better.

Full Blown Affair...

2006-08-23T12:16:00.000-07:00

Mentally, I am currently having a full-blown affair, and FRUSTRATED I'm not having an ACTUAL affair...this is not good! I know it is not right. I guess I am just not happy with "the way things have to be". What is WRONG with me?? Is there any way to make this right?

I cannot THINK straight. I am so sad and miserable in my marriage, and I do not have the strength to fight everything. I really am a wretch! If I do something with him then I know I'll feel worse and everything will only get more complicated. WHY can't there be SIMPLE answers...

I don't know why I don't feel worthy of an actual good relationship. WHY IS THAT? Did I mess up too much? Is it that we are supposed to live our lives out in peious acknowledgment of our sinful selves? What about living triumphant lives! What about faith in God? Saved through GRACE by our FAITH...

Am I supposed to live my life out of guilt, and never live fully? I can't take it anymore! I really am sad, and I want legitimate connections with nothing wrong at all...

i'm trapped! in a web of codependent deceit. sometimes money CAN solve all a person's problems...but all I want is truth and I want to come about it honestly, i want to work honestly, and somehow make sense of this life....

someone, show me how....